The Pursuit of Crappiness

Right, nobody thought of that one. The Pessimist's Week Fourteen Breakdown:

New Orleans 42, Dallas 17- Something had to give: America's new team from America's abandoned city versus America's QB playing for America's old team. The word "America" four times in one sentence? I might as well be Patrick Henry up in here.

Thus continues the protege defeating the master series: Mangini over Belichick, Payton over Parcells, Crennel over Shell. Never mind, that last one was for eating contests. Fat jokes make the world go round.

What happened in this game, you demand? Eh, find out for yourself. Of note: Al Michaels dropping a "WHAT THE HELL WAS HOUSTON THINKING?!" after Reggie Bush scored a TD. How about a little professionalism? Since when is it in your job description, no matter if right or wrong, to trash personnel moves? That being said, what the hell was Houston thinking, question mark, exclamation point.

Miami 21, New England 0- Nick Saban is just the best when your season is over. Once the Dolphins hit six losses, look out, because they are going to tear ass through an 8-8 firestorm. If the NFL had a strike during the first half of the year, the '78 Dolphins would be sweating napalm.
Tom Brady supposedly yelled at a fan during this game. That's so cute.

Buffalo 31, New York 13- With a New England loss....Buffalo could move to within two games with a win!! The AFC East is where football goes to die.

Cincinnati 27, Oakland 10- Are there any references on how good the Raiders defense would be if they were opposite a functional offense? My guess is no, no one is that bored.

Don't look now, the Bengals are 8-5. Actually they want you to look. They always want you to look....in the crime section.

Tennessee 26, Houston 20- Titans at 6-7? Their defense is still pretty bad, but Vince Young might as well be ROY. Most of those big runs are on third down, the "money" down as perverts like to put it.

Really, Houston, what the h-e-double hockey sticks were you thinking, bold exclamation point.

San Diego 48, Denver 20- Fun fact about Denver: Starting the past four years 5-1 means nothing. After that, those silly Broncos have gone just 20-18. Don't ever speak to me about starting the season on a high note, I will punch your grandmother.

Fun fact about Phillip Rivers: His job. The highest scoring offense does not even concern the wide receivers? You got it, Rivers just throws (lobs) it to Antonio Gates in the high post. Then there's this guy named Ladainian Tomlinson. HE'S PRETTY GOOD, ahahaha

That never gets old, when announcers go "yeah, there's also this guy named LT.....he's pretty darn good.....he's been known to get a touchdown or two" AHAHAHA, I get it! You do the tongue-in-cheek stick.

If announcers had balls, they would get crazy with it: "Gods of the cosmos, it's Ladainian Tomlinson, bring your first born to his grand sacrifice as we kneel down before the greatest of all individuals and ritualize his Holiness in all that we do. He gallops like the graceful gazelle and possesses the sheer power of several bison. I am not subservient enough to his heiness, so I will now shove a flamethrower down my throat. All hail Chief Tomlinson."

Good question! Yes, I am a bitter Bronco fan. You go to hell, Houston.

Packers vs. 49ers

Here are two teams that suck pretty much equally, having had similar 2006 seasons thus far. It looks like it's going to be a cold and wet no-fun zone at Monster Park today.

Coach McCarthy gets the pleasure of facing the team for which he was offensive coordinator last year, helping lead the 49ers to a sad, sad 4-12 record. Will the Packers see the same fate this year? Do they have another win left in them? Coach said this weekend that he did learn a few things from Mike Nolan while there, and he tries to incorporate some of those ideas in Green Bay. Collective sigh.

What's a p...p..pass rush?

Before this three-game losing streak, the Packers were sacking the crap out of quarterbacks and producing the kind of consistent pass rush that actually made a difference. They had 31 sacks through the first nine games, an average of roughly 3.5 per outing. During weeks 7 through 10, Green Bay won three of four games and clobbered four different quarterbacks seventeen times, including nemesis Brad Johnson.

That's a lot of grass in your face. One of Green Bay's goals for today is to force Alex Smith into quick-release mode before being pummeled to the ground. On the other hand, look for Brett to be sacked at least three times while his offensive line is called offside a dozen more.

Frank Gore Invented The Internets

With 1,217 rushing yards this season (an insane 5.5-yard-per-carry avg.), Gore is the #1 back in the NFC and is third in the NFL behind LaDainian Tomlinson, who has 1,324 coming into Sunday, and of course, Larry Johnson with 1,312 yards. Watch Green Bay's definition of a run defense try to stop Gore later this afternoon.


First Quarter Update: Packers 7, 49ers 3.

After a 72-yard run by Frank Gore, San Francisco had to settle for a 24-yard field goal. Green Bay answered with a 36-yard pass by Brett Favre to Ruvell Martin in the end zone. Gore then loses his league-leading 6th fumble of the season, heading into the second quarter.

Halftime Update: Packers 17, 49ers 6.

After recovering Gore's fumble, the Pack get just a field goal after 2 incompletes to Greg Jennings and Donald Driver. Alex Smith throws a bunch of incomplete passes then Favre hands off to Ahman Green for a 1-yard touchdown. Smith throws a few more incompletes and the 49ers settle for a 36-yard field goal. Favre was sacked with 11 seconds remaining in the half and the ball was recovered by Brandon Moore, but the clock ran out for some reason and everyone walked off the field.

Third Quarter Update: Packers 24, 49ers 13.

Smith finally started completing short passes, the important one being to Gore for his 6th TD of the year. But Nick Collins picks off Smith at the GB 26, then Favre fires a 68-yard pass to Driver at the SF 33 before DoubleD managed to avoid being tackled for 33 yards and a touchdown. Green Bay will have the ball at the start of the fourth.


Game Recap: Packers 30, 49ers 19

Brett Favre can still have fun out there.

He passed for 293 yards, leading the Packers in victory to snap a three-game losing streak while bringing their record to 5-8. Terrible. Just as awful as San Fran's present three game losing streak and 5-8 record.

Identical, if you will.

But if the Packers can make it past BJ, John Kitna and Rex Grossman, they can finish at dead even. I have a sneaking suspicion that sounds a lot easier than it's going to be for them.

Mike Nolan's suit was pretty snappy, but it wasn't enough to keep his shame from seeping out of the collar. Alex Smith was 12 of 29 for 201 yards and two picks, facing constant harassment. Vernon Davis turned a short pass into a late 52-yard touchdown, while Gore rushed for 130 yards with a TD, falling short of stopping the Cheese.

The NFC's 6-6 quagmire is the damndest thing

"Losers, all of them"

And it begins. The NFC playoff picture is about as clear as this photo of former Heisman Trophy winner Chris Weinke, who incidentally has had that same hairline since he was six. Weinke will man the 6-6 Panthers as they host the 6-6 Giants in a colossal epic of mediocre proportions. The Giants have QB problems of their own: one can plainly see Eli Manning is frustrated with each "dad gummit," "carn sarnit" and "shit" he utters. Plus, Jared Lorenzen beats everyone to the post game spread. That's frustrating, NFL players need their cheese logs. Don't worry though, Tom Coughlin was brought in to fix things.....two years ago.

An inkling has me leaning toward a Giants' victory in this one. If I may point out the reason why:

(Hint: The picture)

Thank you

Meanwhile, fulfilling the NFL's lifelong promise to shove parody down your throat, enter the 6-6 Falcons and Eagles. Two teams that were in the conference title game two years ago are in no shape to do the same this year. Both teams are rampant with injuries. Nonetheless, they have maintained and remain in contention. So how does one sort through this 6-6 quandary, ultimately choosing two teams to make the playoffs?

No one cares.

Fact is, there are three perfectly decent 8-4 teams (New Orleans, Dallas, Seattle) chomping at the bit to grind said losers to a fine pulp. However, this is an NFL blog and I'm plum out of ideas within the first week, leaving me no choice but to make the picks. Here goes nothing:

Carolina Panthers- Wow, way to discover the running game....thirteen weeks into the season. The QB problems are well-documented, and hurt this team as much as anything, but there is more to worry about. Corner play has been shaky lately with Richard Marshall in the lineup, as evidenced by the pounding Jeff Garcia put on their asses. Poor choice of words? DE Julius Peppers has only three sacks in the last five games, after starting with eight in the first six. Although the pressure is still there, it must get better for the Panthers to make a playoff push.

I don't think they make it. Games at Atlanta, against NYG, and at New Orleans are too much for a team at flux with their QB situation and with a considerably inconsistent offense.

Update #None: Is that the proper way to use the word "flux"? Sorry, at my school all dictionaries were burned. It's the South.

New York Giants- Don't make it.

This one's simple. The New York Giants just want the nightmare to end. Tiki wants to do the Morning Latte. Brandon Jacobs wants to start. Amani Toomer wants to...not be injured? Jeremy Shockey wants to fascinate you. Eli Manning wants to advertise for your company. Tom Coughlin wants to grind his teeth until he's "Ole Gummy Tom." Plaxico Burress wants to quit.

All I've been taught is that quitters never win. That's why I'm never quitting Oxycontin and vodka. You take me for a loser?

Philadelphia Eagles- Make it. Why? Process of Elimination.

I will take to the grave my firm belief that Brian Westbrook makes this team click even more so than McNabb. He is one of the game's biggest threats, along with steroids. Haha, zing!

Their schedule is debatable as far as difficulty. They certainly control their own destiny with games against the Giants and Falcons. I'm starting to rethink this but it's currently 3:30 AM and I'm running on fumes....of joy.

Atlanta Falcons- This is why I laugh when former players say there should be more teams allotted for the postseason. How many 8-8 teams do we have to stomach before this no longer becomes an issue?

Atlanta is in because they will be getting healthier as the season goes along. Plus, Michael Vick appears to have finished his meltdown and is ready to throw to his tepid receivers once again. Maybe we can even overlook the fact that he is a coach killer. See that, linked to my own blog. I'm awesome.

In summary, the Panthers finish 7-9, losing to NYG, ATL, and NO. The Giants finish 8-8, defeating Carolina and Washington and losing to Philly and NO. Philly finishes 8-8, beating Washington and New York while losing to Dallas and Atlanta. Atlanta ends at the best record of 9-7, losing only to Dallas.

The tiebreaker makes me nauseous. Under my convoluted scenario, Philly and NY would have the same division record, which is the default tiebreaker if teams split head-to-head. Then it's common opponents, which will also be tied. Then it's the win-loss in conference games. TIED AGAIN. Finally, it's strength of schedule. Oh great, Giants have a higher strength of schedule. IT'S ALL RUINED.

Skip Bayless Proclaims Something We Already Knew...

So, today being a lazy Friday for me, I'm actually awake watching Cold Pizza. I know, you wouldn't force your worst enemy to that show, but I digress.

Skip finally said what America is thinking, "I guess God doesn't like me right now, because it seems he's opening the way for the Cowboys to go to the Super Bowl for the NFC." Skip, I hate to tell you this... But we already knew that God hated you and your douchebag ways.

Now before everyone thinks that I'm hating on Skip entirely, I'm not. I'm just saying that Skip is a poster child on third trimester abortions. For someone who's a graduate of the University of Vanderbilt and be a bigger douchebag than half of the alumni that came from the university, with the exception of Joe Bob Briggs, my God, take a break, Skippy.

Before I finish this article, I'll touch on Skip's points on why he thinks God really does hate him and loves the Tuna.

- The Giants imploded on themselves
- Parcells hasn't thrown T.O. to the Mexicans, yet...
- The Panthers are relying on Chris Weinke
- The Saints are playing without Colston, Horn, or anyone else not named Reggie
- The Bears lost Tommie Harris and still have Rex at QB

While all valid points, they aren't the gospel, Skip. Maybe you should accept this one commandment while you're waiting on your idea of Hell, which is probably Dallas winning the 6th Lombardi Trophy in team history and the most in NFL history.

Thou shalt not be a douchebag.

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Fourth Quarter Action

The fourth quarter starts with Romeo Crennel sucking on an oxygen mask and demanding no one look at him. The NFL Network provides 12 angles of this.

Update #1: Derek Anderson clanks a three from 35 feet/yards, sending rumbles throughout the crowd. It's still 38-24 Browns. Bryant and Cris will not shut the fuck up about the Bills game. Yes, it's been a nice little display and yes, I hope the game actually becomes close, but let's not all start sucking ea...

Wait! Is...is that Super John Kuhn's music?

God, I hope not; I think they're playing Xanadu. Who let Bryant pick the in-house music tonight?

Update #2: A PLACE WHERE NOBODY DARED TO GO; THE LOVE THAT WE CAME TO KNOW, THEY CALL IT SUPER JOHN KUUUUUUUHN....



Super John Kuhn scores again from 14 yards after another tightly wound drive by the Steelers. He's not juking the socks off anyone; he's just...I don't know. If I had TiVo, maybe I could pause the game and see that it's Scott Bakula under the helmet and Dean Stockwell is on the sideline. For now, though, it appears he's just running and the Browns have decided they've met their quota for tackling white guys this evening.

Steelers fans have started growing new Franco Harris mustaches in anticipation of this new hero in the making. Needless to say, the women are ahead of the men at the first furlong.

Update #3: Oh, hey...how are you folks without NFL Network enjoying this game? Just curious.

Update #4: During the lull when nobody scores for 30 Goddamned seconds, I've had a bit of time to check on Super John Kuhn. Apparently, he nearly set quite a few records at Shippensburg U, most of them involving academics. He's also a local boy by PA standards; he grew up 220 miles away. I believe he could walk there from the stadium without a Cleveland defender touching him right now.

Update #5: Naturally, as soon as I start pumping the boy up, he fails to get a first down on fourth-and-inches and the Browns get the ball at the Steelers 47 with 5:30 left. Running out of time, boys...

Update #6: Wow, this HD is great; I can even hear Derek Anderson's sphincter tighten up. He fumbles the ball while holding it out in front of him and making the mating call for the defensive lineman ("I WET 'EM, SIR"). Romeo Crennel just looked down the sideline for Ken Dorsey, who was sprinting back into the locker room to look for his cajones.

Update #7: Ken finds the Cleveland defense trying to catch the ending of Snow Day. Do the adults get what's coming to them? How will they ever know?

Update #8: Hines Ward, we didn't forget about you; don't be jealous. You can have this TD pass from Ben (whose last name I have not yet bothered trying to master). We still love you. 38-31 Browns, 4:03 left. Tick tock.

Update #9: NOW Cowher doesn't kick the ball onsides, proving that coaches make all their late-game decisions using the Magic 8 Ball.

Update #10: Three and out from Derek Anderson in his last game as a professional. Hey, maybe you could try hockey next...

Update #11: I muted White Chocolate; I can't take the Bills talk anymore.

Update #12: Little girls all across Pittsburgh will be taking out construction paper, spreading glue on it, and sprinkling glitter all over it. The message will be clear when the glitter is brushed away: "I HEART SUPER JOHN!"

As a change of pace, Ben *throws* a touchdown pass to Super John from 4 yards out. Romeo has lost control of his considerable bowels and is screaming to Harvey, his invisible rabbit, that someone should really put a fucking body on that fucking white boy.

Roughly speaking. And his name is Super John and he once pulled a tractor off his father using his bare hands. It is a motherfucking tie, 38-38, :37 left. I may loose my own bowels unintentionally.

Update #13: Sorry about the bowels thing.

Update #14: Bill Cowher has spent nearly 15 years as the Steelers head coach. He has a Super Bowl ring so new that he has spilled almost no mustard on it. His team is out of playoff contention.

This must be the security behind GOING FOR THE FUCKING ONSIDE KICK WITH :35 LEFT IN THE GAME! ack. I fear I have lost control of my Caps Lock key. I DON'T CARE! SUPER FUCKING JOHN RECOVERS IT! I didn't even notice he was still playing special teams, too. Is he working concessions? Calling the camera shots? Selling season tickets?

Oh, he's selling season tickets.

Update #14: There's not enough frozen water in the Fortress of Solitude to ice Jeff Reed tonight. I don't care that he has both sucked and blown this year. Y'know what? He could make it from his living room right now.

Update #15: ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

aaahahahahahahaahhaahahahahaha.

Jeff Reed bounces it off the inside of the right upright from 39 yards out to win the game. Pittsburgh may not sleep for two days. I may sleep enough for all of them. Someone let me know if Super John catches a bullet in his hand in the post-game interviews. I'm spent and the sheets are unusually moist. Good night, you kids.

(Oh, and Cleveland? Last week, I reached out to Carolina fans crushed by a difficult loss. For you? Call Ontario to cry.)

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Third Quarter Action

Welcome to Three Mile Island. Please don your protective gear and move to the safety area until further notice. Thank you.

Apparently, Bill Cowher has less confidence in Super John Kuhn as he has come out throwing in the second half. (Of course, that may have a lot to do with being down 38-3.) Ben has stitched together 5 straight passes to quietly move the ball downfield. I'm guessing the Cleveland secondary is a bit distracted by their post-game plans.

Update #1: Super John Kuhn shows a little cape over one shoulder. On his first carry, he steams to a 57-yard touchdown run that had very little to do with beauty and everything to do with functionality. Cleveland's run defense consisted of light strips and a clearance to land. Bryant gets Kuhn's name correct, probably because he can relate to a stiff white guy succeeding. 38-10 Browns. Let the healing begin.

Update #2: A few mechanical beeps can be heard from Metaphor Hospital's ICU as Pittsburgh succeeds at an onside kick. Fans are pausing briefly at the turnstiles and glancing back at the concession stand televisions to consider their next move.

Update #3: Their next move is to step the concession stand for a cup of courage, down it, buy another, and then slip back into their seats. Super John Kuhn pulls the whole cape out and takes his *next* carry 54 yards to La casa gol. (Two years of high school Spanish. Can you believe it?) I believe Gumbel showed a pulse and Collinsworth has predicted a victory for the Steelers. I suspect both are kidding, but youneverknow. 38-17 Browns.

Update #4: If the smell of sulphur is overpowering, Bill, stay away from the well. The Browns were quite ready for the onside kick this time. Bill Frist has stopped his vigil on Gumbel and Collinsworth is trying to explain the playoff possibilities for the Browns. I'm only half-listening, but I believe it involves getting Ontario to annex Ohio and absorbing the Browns into the CFL.

Needless to say, I'm open to this suggestion.

Update #5: Apparently, Derek Anderson has been replaced by Eric Snow, the only guard slower than him in the NBA. That must explain how he was caught from behind by Casey Hampton on a scramble. The ball is then pulled into Casey's gravitational pull. The game is delayed a few minutes as the Jaws of Life are called in. Fumble; recovered by the Steelers.

Update #6: Super John Kuhn carries the ball for a 6 yard gain but does not score a touchdown. A call goes out for a young priest and an old priest.

Update #7: Ben's head spins around three times and he finds Hines Ward on a hook and go for a 47 yard touchdown. Cleveland's defensive coordinator is called down from the booth and sent into the locker room to make sure his players made it out on the field after halftime. 38-24 Browns.

Update #8: The Cleveland defense is found watching Snow Day. Oh, those kids with their hijinks...

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Second Quarter Action

I had an inspirational bit here. It was a message of hope for Pittsburgh fans. It was a message of joy. It was a window to the soul through which Steelers fans could envision both inner beauty and a comeback.

Then Dennis Northcutt ran back the punt for a TD. 21-0 Browns.

I had a beautiful bit here. It was a message of hope for Pittsburgh fans. It was a message of joy. It was a window to the soul through which Steelers fans could envision both inner beauty and a comeback.

Then Dennis Northcutt ran back the punt for a TD. 21-0 Browns.

Update #1: Okay, I stepped away for a few minutes to clean and tend to my cat. What did I miss?

Oh. Oh, I see.

Congratulations to the Browns on their field goal, running TD, and 62 yard punt.

Condolences to the Steelers for their fumble and 24 yard field goal. 31-3 Browns.

Hey, Pittsburgh, did I mention tonight is Test Pattern Night on WPCW? Why don't you flip over now and check that out? I hear Cris Collinsworth doesn't tell you why your quarterback can't change his own diaper on that station. He certainly doesn't present a wonderful series of play breakdowns to illustrate said point over there.

Update #2: Najeh Davenport just limped off the field with the assistance of the training staff at the two-minute warning.

uhm.



Hey! Look! A shiny thing!

Bryant Gumbel calls him "No-Date Davenport," I think. What's the prep work like, Bryant? Do you read the rosters of *both* teams? Very thorough of you.

Update #3: Bill Cowher appears to have just remembered how he lost his favorite stuffed animal, Pilly the caterpillar, when he was 7 and the sudden realization of just how much Pilly meant to him may crush his soul.

Or he may have glanced down the depth chart and seen Super John Kuhn from Sarsaparilla State as his sole remaining running back. Jerome Bettis, please pick up a white courtesy phone. Jerome Bettis...

Update #4: Bets will be taken for the next 60 seconds on Gumbel calling Kuhn "Bowie".

Okay then. That's positive; Bill has the confidence in Dan Kreider to hand off to him inside the 20 with 1:37 left in the half.

Of course, Dan fumbles it to Brodney Pool, who runs it back 87 yards for a touchdown. Still, it's good to see Bill had confidence in the veteran.

(Pittsburgh fans, don't read the rest of this post.)

38-3 Browns.

Update #5: Super John Kuhn, special teams god, gets the handoff from Ben and manages to come out both alive and in possession of the ball. The parade for Kuhn starts at noon tomorrow in front of Heinz Field.

Halftime from a merciful and benevolent higher being. I will be away at half, answering suicide prevention hotline calls from the 412 area code.

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: First Quarter Action

Alright, let's get this underwhelming party started. Pittsburgh is 5-7 but has (barely) outscored their opponents, leaving them just a bit of good luck away from mediocrity; Cleveland is 4-8 and hoping the third point guard from the Heat can pull them through again.

For those of you not in an institutional setting, you may also wish to consider these possibilities:

My Name Is Earl is doing a one-hour special on measuring the annoyance of Leguizamo against the chest of Pressley.
Smallville has Allison Mack and others I kinda notice near her.
Uhm...TBS has the Chris Elliott vehicle Snow Day.

You get the idea.

Update #1: ....and that didn't take long. Nice assist from Derek to Kellen Winslow for the bucket and the foul on the third play from scrimmage. Give me a second to get my nachos and beer and find my seat again, would you, Derek? 7-0 Browns.

Update #2: Ben? Honey? Do you feel alright? D'Qwell Jackson isn't on the practice squad; he's a Cleveland Brown. I tell you what; I'll introduce you two once he comes back from that hideous touchdown dance he's doing. Very quickly, 14-0 Browns.

Update #3: With just a couple minutes left in the first quarter, Willie Parker was just sent to brain bruise land by Willie McGinest on a third and short. He was out long enough to visit Narnia but not long enough to join an actual Crusade. (We joke because we love; also, I waited until he sat up on his own and asked for a lollipop.)

During this very long delay, we find out two things about the NFL Network: one, they want sooze and the rest of you to think they're CSI because they've shown the blow graphically enough that I may need to call a loved one to sit with me and ensure I don't go to sleep for 6 hours. Two, Bryant Gumbel thought the starting running back was Lewis Parker. Hey, Bryant, Pittsburgh wishes.

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Pre-Game "Action"

Hello and welcome to beautiful Pittsb...did we hire a new fact checker? Yes? Okay...welcome to beautiful Pittsburgh, where NFL Hits gets its first taste of White Chocolate, Gumbel and Collinsworth. (Yes, Cris would be the more urban of the two.)

The Cleveland-Pittsburgh matchup always tickles me for its "mud and the blood and the beer" atmosphere and one of my earliest football memories. Rich relatives from eastern OH and western PA visited one prepubescent fall many moons ago. Both uncles declared they needed to see The Game (CLE-PIT) and left the women folk (their wives and their wives' sisters) to abscond to the nearest bar. This was no small trick in a dry town, but they were resolute.

Looking at me and glancing over my shoulder to see the hen party they were fleeing, pity was taken on a young man and I was abducted. Mind you, I'd never been to a bar before. This was a wild new world, full of ginger ale and TV screens bigger than any I'd seen outside of a theme park.

In reality, this was a shitty pitch-black dive bar whose main advantage was being the closest one with the game on that would let a little kid in. What did I care, though?

Each uncle jostled the other throughout the game until Cleveland pulled it out at the end. Even that detail would be fuzzy if the winning uncle hadn't dropped his well-worn $2 Browns ballcap on my head at the end.

I remembered what I needed to, though: all good things this day came because of The Game, which was celebrated by Men. I've switched drinks and company since, but the truth remains.

As I grew older and more sophisticated about sports, I noticed those uncles weren't really much into sports. Perhaps they were casual fans of the respective teams, but they didn't seem to be hardcore by any stretch. How could these two men be the ones to deliver the truth?

Years later, I found that ratty old Browns hat while packing for college. I pulled it on for old time's sake and noticed the rancid smell of sweat, something I never associated with this man. I pulled the hat off to examine it further. Inside, I noticed one of my uncle's friends name written in marker. Who brings their friend's Browns hat cross-country for a family tr...

...and the last tumbler clicked. My uncles may be many things, but they are not to be underestimated. They knew the trip would be clogged with their wives and their wives' sisters cackling and formulated an escape plan worthy of Steve McQueen and Sir Richard Attenborough, packing the borrowed cap as a MacGuffin and grabbing the younger me as a human shield/"good experience for the kid". My Browns' hat off to you, sirs; well met, indeed.

I just missed the pre-game show (aw shucks); we'll jump right into game coverage in a moment.

McCarthy Promises Change

McCarthy's team didn't look so good during their 38-10 loss to the Jets on Sunday. In fact, they looked like crap. At halftime, the Jets were up 31-0 and the Packers had allowed 340 yards and 22 first downs, after allowing 100 points in the previous 10 quarters.

McCarthy says changes will be made, but the 4-8 Pack don't have a lot of options. He has says he won't fire [defensive coordinator] Bob Sanders - at least not during the season, and won't make any drastic changes to the starting lineup or the coaching staff.

Then what, pray tell, do you plan to do, Coach McCarthy?

"We will be looking at opportunities. You have only so many options, and we are looking into them. I'm not trying to be naive. I'm not trying to skirt the issue here. But I'm also not getting pinned down in 'You said this,' Okay? So that's where we are right now. Trust me, the coaches know exactly how I feel [pissed] about their role in it and their responsibility to get this thing turned around."

Okaaaaay then.

In McCarthy's defense, Green Bay has by far the youngest team in the league, with 28 of the 53 players on the roster having two years of experience or less. Exactly where the Packers are at isn't pretty. They have lost three straight games and haven't even come close to being competitive in two of them. That sucking sound can be heard equally as loud on offense as on defense.

In other Green Bay News: Former Notre Dame quarterback Carlyle Holiday was claimed by the Packers off waivers Tuesday from the Arizona Cardinals. The 6-foot-2, 217-pound Holiday replaced wide receiver Chris Francies, who was released the same day. Holiday played four games with the Cardinals this season and made two starts, catching zero passes. So, the outlook is sunny for him as well.