49ers vs. Broncos - The Buzzed Edition

Never has there been a game more intriguing than this. Unless you live outside of Denver. And San Francisco.

Alex Smith vs. Jay Cutler Jake Plummer.

Al Gore Frank Gore vs. umm... Jason Elam?

Halftime Update With A Mild Slur

Elam kicks a 22-yard field goal and the Broncos are on the board with 42 seconds remaining in the 1st quarter. I was starting to pass out from all this excitement! 49ers 0, Broncos 3

DT Anthony Adams breaks Cutler's legs a minute and three seconds into the 2nd quarter.

Denver gets within field-goal range again with 11:23 left in the half, Elam puts it through from 21. 49ers 0, Broncos 6

"Oh no, Alex Smith! Be careful! Watch out for Champ Bailey! Too late, dumbass." Baily intercepts a short pass intended for Gore and runs it back for a touchdown. 49ers 0, Broncos 13

The Niners manage to get within field goal range, kind of, before the 2-minute warning. Joe Nedney nails it from 46 yards out. 49ers 3, Broncos 13

Third Quarter Debacle

Alex Smith finds his balls and throws a short pass for a 32 yard TD by Moron Moran Norris. Get your crap together Broncos defense! This is for some of the marbles!
49ers 10, Broncos 13

Do you hear that? Why... it sounds like a giant sucking sound coming from Denver's butthole! No, it's just Jay Cutler back in the game. A pass intended for S Alexander was picked off by W Harris and brought back for a 23 yard TD. 49ers 17, Broncos 13

Was that a whistle? Nope. False alarm.

The Broncos get within range and Elam boots a 22-yarder with a minute-and-a-half left in the period. 49ers 17, Broncos 16

Post Game Wrap

Psyche! After many a fumble on both sides of the ball, we are headed into over time. Christ.

The Niners kicked yet another field goal in the start of the fourth. 49ers 20, Broncos 16

Then, Nedney nails another 46-yarder at the 8:30 mark. 49ers 23, Broncos 16

Cutler unexplainably hits Tony Scheffler up the middle for a TD. Unreal. The Broncos can get into the playoffs with a tie or a win, so all they have to do is not lose.

Seems simple enough, right? 49ers 23, Broncos 23

OT Update

What better way to end this mess of a game than with a field goal? San Fran marches up the field and gets within range easily. Nedney pumps it through and Denver will not be playing this post season. Suckers. Final Score: 49ers 26, Broncos 23

Frank Gore rushed for 152 yards on 31 carries, with 2 receptions for 32 yards. What a horse.

Young Alex Smith went 17/32 for 194 yards, with one TD pass and an INT.

Jake Plummer went 0/2 with an interception. Good job, buddy.

Jay Cutler went 21/32 for 230 yards, crying trying his little heart out with one TD pass and an INT. Better luck next year. Take care of those legs that you never hurt. And that head.

As for you fuckers, I have no clue why you've read this far, but you can find me on the next post, having it out with Tuffy.

Lions vs. Packers

Let the excitement begin.

From Seattlepi.com:

"After a seemingly winnable two-game stretch against Detroit (2-11) and Minnesota (6-7) at home, the 5-8 Packers finish up with a trip to meet Chicago in a game that might be meaningless for the NFC-leading Bears. Mike McCarthy's team would need some additional help in the form of more losses than wins for other Wild Card hopefuls such as the Giants (7-6), Eagles (7-6), Falcons (7-6), and/or Panthers (6-7), but with an 8-8 mark and 7-5 record within the NFC, a Green Bay team that has been residing on the south side of .500 all season could, however implausibly, find itself in the postseason bracket."

If the Pack make the Playoffs, I will streak naked through the city wearing green and gold body paint.

In all seriousness, Brett Favre is a career 15-0 against Detroit and the Lions are one of the few teams worse off than Green Bay. A win today is more than plausible, it's expected.

First Quarter Update: Lions 3, Packers 3.
John Kitna's short left passes were not enough to get the Lions into the red zone, and Detroit was forced to kick a 42-yard field goal. Al Harris made an astounding pick and ran 34 yards before being pushed out of bounds. Favre hit David Martin square in the numbers in the end zone, but Marty couldn't hang on to the football. Rayner's kick is good, game tied at three. The Packers will start the second quarter with possession at the GB 48. When will the excitement end?!

Halftime Update: Lions 3, Packers 10.
Vernon Morency sneaks into the end zone on a 14-yard run for the first touchdown of the game. Brett Favre now holds the all-time NFL record for completions at 4,968: Bad Ass. Green Bay loses one of their most experience offensive linemen: Crappy. Kitna is 10/13 passing for 59 yards (19 rushing) with 1 interception while Favre is 15/25 for 144 yards and a touchdown.

Third Quarter Update: Lions 6, Packers 10.
Kitna can't really manage to get down the field, so the Lions settle for another field goal (42 yards). To make matters worse for Detroit, Charles Woodsen picks off Kitna, who then gets called for the 15-yard face mask penalty. I like your moves, Johnny. With that possession, Favre throws a pick to former Packer Paris Lenon in the end zone. The Lions will have the ball at the start of the fourth.

Game Recap: Lions 9, Packers 17.

John Kitna could not get anything done against the Green Bay defense. When Favre threw an interception from the endzone to the GB 12, I thought the Lions had a pretty decent chance of scoring. Could they possibly move the ball 12 yards?

"Actually, no," says the Lions quarterback. "We thought we should just try to push through 2 or 3 yards at a time until we could get within field goal range for Hanson. He's on my fantasy team."

Hey, that works, if you're looking to be replaced by Troy Smith next season. Kitna finished the game going 16/26 passing with zero touchdowns and 135 yards, bringing the Lions' record to 2-12.

On the other side of the ball, Brett Favre went 20/37 passing for 174 yards, becoming the new All-time completions leader. He was sacked once and threw three picks. Vernon Morency had a pretty good game, rushing 54 yards with two touchdowns. Defensive Tackle Cullen Jenkins mauled Kitna 3 times, Aaron Kampman sacked him twice and Corey Williams brought him down one other time. The Packers' D also intercepted 2 passes, helping bring their record to 6-8 (tied with the Vikes) in the dismal NFC North.

McCarthy Promises Change

McCarthy's team didn't look so good during their 38-10 loss to the Jets on Sunday. In fact, they looked like crap. At halftime, the Jets were up 31-0 and the Packers had allowed 340 yards and 22 first downs, after allowing 100 points in the previous 10 quarters.

McCarthy says changes will be made, but the 4-8 Pack don't have a lot of options. He has says he won't fire [defensive coordinator] Bob Sanders - at least not during the season, and won't make any drastic changes to the starting lineup or the coaching staff.

Then what, pray tell, do you plan to do, Coach McCarthy?

"We will be looking at opportunities. You have only so many options, and we are looking into them. I'm not trying to be naive. I'm not trying to skirt the issue here. But I'm also not getting pinned down in 'You said this,' Okay? So that's where we are right now. Trust me, the coaches know exactly how I feel [pissed] about their role in it and their responsibility to get this thing turned around."

Okaaaaay then.

In McCarthy's defense, Green Bay has by far the youngest team in the league, with 28 of the 53 players on the roster having two years of experience or less. Exactly where the Packers are at isn't pretty. They have lost three straight games and haven't even come close to being competitive in two of them. That sucking sound can be heard equally as loud on offense as on defense.

In other Green Bay News: Former Notre Dame quarterback Carlyle Holiday was claimed by the Packers off waivers Tuesday from the Arizona Cardinals. The 6-foot-2, 217-pound Holiday replaced wide receiver Chris Francies, who was released the same day. Holiday played four games with the Cardinals this season and made two starts, catching zero passes. So, the outlook is sunny for him as well.

Bears Clinch NFC North, no thanks to Rex.

According to the AP, Chicago clinched the NFC North. However, only their opponent this past Sunday, Minnesota, has the balls to change from a bad quarterback to a decent quarterback.

Chicago won the game despite Rex Grossman trying to lose the game for them. Rex ranked a 0.0 rating throughout the game until the 4th quarter, where he managed to raise his rating to a 1.3. Wow, what a damn overachiever. Maybe you'll hit 1.5 next week, Rex? I would say 2.0, but then the Critic would fire me for giving the readers of this site false hope.

But let's face it, Rex. It can't get too bad, can it? Yes, it can. LaDainian Tomlinson. Yes, LT v.2. He's got a higher QB rating this season than you do. Want a fact check. Read the man's wiki. He's officially listed at the league office this season with a 150.0. In his 10 passes, he's only flubbed two. By the way 158.3 is the top you can get.

What's also sad. Jon Kitna is looking like Joe Montana compared to you, and he plays for Detroit!

Lovie, before you tank out your team. Put in Brian Griese or Kyle Orton. At least with Orton, he fucked up his way to a winning record. Rex, can't even lose properly...

Jaguars - Dolphins: Game Wrap-Up From the Future

Joey Harrington still sucked.

Jaguars - Dolphins Update

Joey Harrington sucks again. Carry on.