Bears-Buccaneers

First Quarter
Bears 7 - Buccaneers 0

Tampa Bay's film study must have been compiled by this man, for they've let the Bears march down the field using the run game and hitting the tight ends and running backs for short passes. Rex Grossman hasn't really thrown the ball deep yet. They're also kicking to Devin Hester instead of flinging the ball to the sidelines and begging for mercy.

Also, it appears someone didn't read his self-review; the Buccaneers offense is slightly more conservative than Justice Souter at the moment. Due to the technological advances that modern sports coverage has brought us in the last 20 years, you can actually hear Gradkowski's sphincter clench before each snap.

Thankfully, the Bears are able to slip an instant replay challenge in before the quarter ends.

Second Quarter
Bears 21 - Buccaneers 3

Rex Grossman is back to floating long passes out, hoping for a pass interference call or divine intervention. A fairly amusing special teams penalty against the Bears (hint: the boundary stripe is not a takeoff strip for the flyer) sets the Buccaneers up for business at the 26 yard line, but the Bucs offense comes alive to the tune of -1 yards. Tim Rattay starts warming up. At least Bruce will have time to update his report. (Oh, and his résumé.)

The Buccaneers kick it off to the 35 to specifically avoid Hester but don't tackle the Bears' special team member until the 45. They might be better off kicking it out of bounds. The Bears follow the same intricate battle plan (run, run, Desmond Clark, run) to best effect, letting Thomas Jones finish 'er off. Jones then tosses it in the stands to a man in his late 20s wearing the execrable orange Bears shirt that has become popular in these parts. This fan's celebration of the gift is positively magical.

Tim Rattay is in. Gradkowski didn't turn the ball over, mostly because he averaged 8 yards per completed pass, which he did less than half the time. It's possible that clenching sound I heard in the first quarter was Jon Gruden's jaw.

Near the end of the half, Daryl Johnston compares Rex Grossman to a Longfellow poem:

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

Fox throws to commercial to prevent the Earth's axis from being altered by a football analyst reciting poetry from memory.

The Bears tack on a two-minute drill touchdown that is completed the same way the rest of the half went: short passes, runs, and Desmond Clark in the end zone. Nice spitcurl, Superman.

Third Quarter
Bears 24 - Buccaneers 10

Hey, did you know Mike Alstott is still in the league? (Does Mike Alstott realize he's still in the league?)

Tim Rattay hits Josh Bidwell in the back of the head with a lead pass. Unfortunately, Bidwell is the punter. And 10 yards out of bounds.

Tampa Bay, here's when you know it's over: Olin Kreutz, the Bears center, is getting retaliation penalties and pointing at the scoreboard. The Bucs defense signs Mardy Collins for the second half.

The Tim Rattay Show finds the end zone for the first time this year on a very long drive, punctuated by me taking a nap for most of it. Alstott scored the TD to try to make me look like an ass. Don't need the help, Mike. According to Fox, Alstott also scored the last offensive TD for the Buccaneers....three weeks ago.

Devin Hester falls from heaven, fumbling the kickoff to the Buccaneers at the 20. I'm awake now.

Fourth Quarter
Bears 31 - Buccaneers 31

Second play of the fourth quarter takes advantage of the turnover, causing my sphincter to clench a bit.

The Bears Respond. The drive is marked by multiple throws to the fullback, numerous runs by Benson (including the scoring play), and smart offensive calls by Ron Turner that limit the number of decisions Grossman has to make and how much time he needs to make them.

Fox has been putting up pictures and quotes about Lamar Hunt, but they've never explained who he was to younger viewers. Lost opportunity.

Tampa Bay commits its first turnover of the game (!) and you can feel free to check on your loved ones and order another pizza in preparation for the late game.

WHY WON'T YOU DIE? Joey Galloway runs a very long way on a very lucky pass. Ike Hilliard follows and it's tied.

Overtime
Bears 34 - Buccaneers 31

Over. Fucking. Time. Tampa Bay wins the toss and will receive.

Tampa Bay swallows their own tongues almost immediately, allowing the natural order to return. The Buccaneers fumble and then a Buc player throws his helmet to the ground petulantly for a 15-yard penalty. Yet again, instant replay causes us to question all we know for another five minutes. Finally, the ruling stands.

The Bears then repeat the sensation by missing a 37-yard field goal. A proctologist with the Jaws of Life could not open my sphincter right now.

The Bears prevent the Bucs from getting outside their own 20, take the punt to mid-field, and get within field goal range on a Davis catch and a Peterson run. A 25-yard field goal then clinches the game and home field advantage during the postseason. If I had known The Tim Rattay Show was so formidable, I would have counterprogrammed better.

Packers vs. 49ers

Here are two teams that suck pretty much equally, having had similar 2006 seasons thus far. It looks like it's going to be a cold and wet no-fun zone at Monster Park today.

Coach McCarthy gets the pleasure of facing the team for which he was offensive coordinator last year, helping lead the 49ers to a sad, sad 4-12 record. Will the Packers see the same fate this year? Do they have another win left in them? Coach said this weekend that he did learn a few things from Mike Nolan while there, and he tries to incorporate some of those ideas in Green Bay. Collective sigh.

What's a p...p..pass rush?

Before this three-game losing streak, the Packers were sacking the crap out of quarterbacks and producing the kind of consistent pass rush that actually made a difference. They had 31 sacks through the first nine games, an average of roughly 3.5 per outing. During weeks 7 through 10, Green Bay won three of four games and clobbered four different quarterbacks seventeen times, including nemesis Brad Johnson.

That's a lot of grass in your face. One of Green Bay's goals for today is to force Alex Smith into quick-release mode before being pummeled to the ground. On the other hand, look for Brett to be sacked at least three times while his offensive line is called offside a dozen more.

Frank Gore Invented The Internets

With 1,217 rushing yards this season (an insane 5.5-yard-per-carry avg.), Gore is the #1 back in the NFC and is third in the NFL behind LaDainian Tomlinson, who has 1,324 coming into Sunday, and of course, Larry Johnson with 1,312 yards. Watch Green Bay's definition of a run defense try to stop Gore later this afternoon.


First Quarter Update: Packers 7, 49ers 3.

After a 72-yard run by Frank Gore, San Francisco had to settle for a 24-yard field goal. Green Bay answered with a 36-yard pass by Brett Favre to Ruvell Martin in the end zone. Gore then loses his league-leading 6th fumble of the season, heading into the second quarter.

Halftime Update: Packers 17, 49ers 6.

After recovering Gore's fumble, the Pack get just a field goal after 2 incompletes to Greg Jennings and Donald Driver. Alex Smith throws a bunch of incomplete passes then Favre hands off to Ahman Green for a 1-yard touchdown. Smith throws a few more incompletes and the 49ers settle for a 36-yard field goal. Favre was sacked with 11 seconds remaining in the half and the ball was recovered by Brandon Moore, but the clock ran out for some reason and everyone walked off the field.

Third Quarter Update: Packers 24, 49ers 13.

Smith finally started completing short passes, the important one being to Gore for his 6th TD of the year. But Nick Collins picks off Smith at the GB 26, then Favre fires a 68-yard pass to Driver at the SF 33 before DoubleD managed to avoid being tackled for 33 yards and a touchdown. Green Bay will have the ball at the start of the fourth.


Game Recap: Packers 30, 49ers 19

Brett Favre can still have fun out there.

He passed for 293 yards, leading the Packers in victory to snap a three-game losing streak while bringing their record to 5-8. Terrible. Just as awful as San Fran's present three game losing streak and 5-8 record.

Identical, if you will.

But if the Packers can make it past BJ, John Kitna and Rex Grossman, they can finish at dead even. I have a sneaking suspicion that sounds a lot easier than it's going to be for them.

Mike Nolan's suit was pretty snappy, but it wasn't enough to keep his shame from seeping out of the collar. Alex Smith was 12 of 29 for 201 yards and two picks, facing constant harassment. Vernon Davis turned a short pass into a late 52-yard touchdown, while Gore rushed for 130 yards with a TD, falling short of stopping the Cheese.

Give It Some Gas - Sexy Rexy Edition

The National Football League, as much as any other major sport, lends itself nicely to the creation and perpetration of Generally Accepted Storylines. These thumbnail ideas certainly offer much to the sports consumer. The Generally Accepted Storylines echo classic epic tales and lessons, providing continuity to our shared experience and comfort in their easy digestion.

They're also very simple to whip out when you're on deadline. In the Swiss Army Knife of storytelling, throwing the GAS is the Philips screwdriver. You can cram it into any situation with the appearance of work in every flail.

Here at NFL Hits, we look forward to finding the hottest GAS out there and dispersing it to the seven winds, post haste, so you can look good at the bar while wasting as little time as possible on excessive GAS.

GAS of the day: Chicago Bears Quarterback Controversy!

Please try this experiment at home, work, or a high school business education classroom:

Go to the cupboard and get a saucepan. Fill it three-quarters full with water. Add a pinch of salt. Put the sauce pan on the stove. (Kids, get help from your parents/guardians!) Turn the heat on High. Start a timer, stopping it when the water reaches a rolling boil. Wait patiently. Mark the time down.

Turn everything off and let it cool. Turn the heat on High again. Start a timer, stopping it when the water reaches a rolling boil. Try everything you can to increase the temperature faster. (Recommended tools include a sauce pan lid, IcyHot, and an acetylene torch.) Throw more salt in. Try to take the salt out with a slotted spoon. Suck the water out with a straw. Wail like a wounded chimp when you burn your tongue. Mark the time down.

Answer these questions in the comments:

1. Which attempt was faster?
2. Which attempt required more patience?
3. Which attempt would look cooler with commercials, four men in ill-fitting suits screaming, and a 24-hour sports talk radio station covering it?
4. Who should start at quarterback for the Chicago Bears?

Please use MLA formatting in your answers. NFL Hits is not responsible for death, dismemberment, or Jay Mariotti's opinions.

Vikings-Bears: First-half update

Bears 7 - 3 Vikings

However, the score could more eloquently be put “Bears fuck, Vikings shit.” According to my statistician's marks, there have been 847 turnovers, 312 plays for loss, and 608 missed receivers. (All numbers are approximate; I fear he has taken extra medication to deal with watching the first half.) This game only confirms the Generally Accepted Storylines (GAS) that the NFC has nothing much to offer and that there is little to enjoy about that fact.

Rex Grossman continues to be the lead story; he misses reads and forces throws from his back foot just as in previous weeks. (His checklist to improve is so simple that the Chicago Tribune has sussed it out.) The Bears have also coughed up the ball twice on special teams as well as scored the only touchdown via Devin Hester's mea culpa punt return.

The Vikings, of course, have been just as embarrassing. If you're not yet aware that the thousand-yard rushing mark has been completely devalued, Chester Taylor passed that line in the first half. Brad Johnson has missed the target so often that his wife makes him urinate in the back yard.

It appears for all the world that neither team wants to be out in the cold today. If you have an option and no rooting interest, reward solid craftsmanship and quiet confidence by tuning into another game. If you are cheering for purple or navy blue, chug until the second-half kickoff to help the gentle blackout come and carry you to the end.