Bears-Rams: Pre-Game "Action"

I may have said something snide at one point about quarterback controversies in general and the Bears' "conundrum" in particular. I don't have any patience for repetition and mundanity, which this particular canard usually offers.

I have to admit, though, that I've been forced to reconsider my position on the specific case of Rexy or not to Rexy. Who forced me to step back and examine my life choices?

Who else? Saint Jaws of Philadephia.

"“He’s out of control,” Jaworski said. “He’s having a hard time differentiating aggressiveness from stupidity.” I asked about the Bears offensive scheme, and Jaworski pointed out several plays that were designed to give Grossman an easy read and boost his confidence. Even on these relatively simple plays, Grossman made mistakes. “Right now, Ron Turner is calling plays not to attack the defense, but to try to get Grossman comfortable,” he said."

Again, let me be clear: wiser and smarter men than me are considering the issue, none of whom appear on my television in an earring and/or tie. However, I will be watching Mr. Grossman's composure with greater countenance this evening. It's a damned shame there's no one available to help me with that during the telecast.

Enough, now, about the horse beaten so badly that no message board could save it. I ask you to turn your gaze southwest ever so slightly and consider the St. Louis Rams. They're 5-7 and have been outscored by 45 points. I can tell you no more about this team as a casual fan because they have committed the Cardinal sin of sports: they're dull.

I don't say that to be snide or sarcastic. (Who are we kidding? Of course I do.) However, I'd also like to be wrong. Mike Martz is in his death throes with another team. The league forced the Rams to take on Denzel Washington's son to shine just the slightest wattage on the team for Monday Night Football.

I present the worst sentence you can say to a Rams fan tonight. Bears fans, use this gift judiciously for you are not too far removed from the shame of blandness:

"Hey, didn't he used to be Isaac Bruce?"

Update #1: Oh, Rachel honey...you've got more roots showing than a tree after a tornado.

Update #2: Senator Barack Obama: Taped open. I'm not sure if you're aware, but this man will be our next Bobby Kennedy. Prepare for it. Wish for it.

Jim Belushi fetches the helmet. More on Belushi later.

Is ESPN aware the game is being played in St. Louis? Hell, I did a double-take after the open when the first field shot was indoors.

The Pursuit of Crappiness

Right, nobody thought of that one. The Pessimist's Week Fourteen Breakdown:

New Orleans 42, Dallas 17- Something had to give: America's new team from America's abandoned city versus America's QB playing for America's old team. The word "America" four times in one sentence? I might as well be Patrick Henry up in here.

Thus continues the protege defeating the master series: Mangini over Belichick, Payton over Parcells, Crennel over Shell. Never mind, that last one was for eating contests. Fat jokes make the world go round.

What happened in this game, you demand? Eh, find out for yourself. Of note: Al Michaels dropping a "WHAT THE HELL WAS HOUSTON THINKING?!" after Reggie Bush scored a TD. How about a little professionalism? Since when is it in your job description, no matter if right or wrong, to trash personnel moves? That being said, what the hell was Houston thinking, question mark, exclamation point.

Miami 21, New England 0- Nick Saban is just the best when your season is over. Once the Dolphins hit six losses, look out, because they are going to tear ass through an 8-8 firestorm. If the NFL had a strike during the first half of the year, the '78 Dolphins would be sweating napalm.
Tom Brady supposedly yelled at a fan during this game. That's so cute.

Buffalo 31, New York 13- With a New England loss....Buffalo could move to within two games with a win!! The AFC East is where football goes to die.

Cincinnati 27, Oakland 10- Are there any references on how good the Raiders defense would be if they were opposite a functional offense? My guess is no, no one is that bored.

Don't look now, the Bengals are 8-5. Actually they want you to look. They always want you to look....in the crime section.

Tennessee 26, Houston 20- Titans at 6-7? Their defense is still pretty bad, but Vince Young might as well be ROY. Most of those big runs are on third down, the "money" down as perverts like to put it.

Really, Houston, what the h-e-double hockey sticks were you thinking, bold exclamation point.

San Diego 48, Denver 20- Fun fact about Denver: Starting the past four years 5-1 means nothing. After that, those silly Broncos have gone just 20-18. Don't ever speak to me about starting the season on a high note, I will punch your grandmother.

Fun fact about Phillip Rivers: His job. The highest scoring offense does not even concern the wide receivers? You got it, Rivers just throws (lobs) it to Antonio Gates in the high post. Then there's this guy named Ladainian Tomlinson. HE'S PRETTY GOOD, ahahaha

That never gets old, when announcers go "yeah, there's also this guy named LT.....he's pretty darn good.....he's been known to get a touchdown or two" AHAHAHA, I get it! You do the tongue-in-cheek stick.

If announcers had balls, they would get crazy with it: "Gods of the cosmos, it's Ladainian Tomlinson, bring your first born to his grand sacrifice as we kneel down before the greatest of all individuals and ritualize his Holiness in all that we do. He gallops like the graceful gazelle and possesses the sheer power of several bison. I am not subservient enough to his heiness, so I will now shove a flamethrower down my throat. All hail Chief Tomlinson."

Good question! Yes, I am a bitter Bronco fan. You go to hell, Houston.