Week 17 - Early Games

CBS has already broken out the Sooze-approved NFL Films Favre miked-up bits. "Hey, I thought you hit harder than that, Viking defensive end! I am teh tough-z0rz." My gag reflex will relax with booze. That's how I worked my way through college.

PIT-CIN: Pittsburgh did the ol' kickoff huddle-up on reception, gathering on the 10 to hide who had the ball. This worked brilliantly if you're a retiring coach that doesn't give a shit if it gets you pinned at the 14.

DET-DAL: Kitna's first pass is intercepted by Roy Williams for a touchdown. (I look forward to hot Roy Williams-on-Roy Williams action today.) A bad-touch penalty brings it back; it's a questionable call. I'm a huge proponent of erring to this side of caution, but I hope the NFL takes a sliver of their huge profits and invests in finding the best equipment and training techniques to make these types of calls irrelevant in 10-15 years.

PIT-CIN: Cincinnati is called for 12 men on the field. Playoff focus!

DET-DAL: Jason Hanson nails another field goal and can we talk for a moment about the quietly solid Jason Hanson? He's missed six extra point attempts in 15 years. He is better than 80% for his career on field goals with impressive deep range. His kickoffs are always deep. Admittedly, he works in a dome 60-70% of the time, but he's just done the job forever. I enjoy the flashy play as much as the other man in jail for public indecency, but it's also rather cool to see the yeoman's effort succeed over time. (Also, Jason Hanson looks like he prepared my taxes last year.)

DET-DAL: Jon Kitna has thrown more passes in a single season than any other Lions passer. Ever. He's taken every snap for the Lions this year. Every. What's the Lions' record? Really? Two wins? That's shocking. You'd think the Lions were playing from behind every game.

DET-DAL: Roy Williams drops another possible interception. The Lions cash in on their good luck with...a field goal. Wake the kids!

PIT-CIN: Bengals intercept Ben on a thrown punt. That has to be the reason he threw that pass. Either that or someone whispered in the concussed QB's ear, "Let's play 500. You throw first."

NYJ-OAK: 7-0 Jets. The Bengals' collective sphincter tightens a bit. (Remember, we're too good for Bengals prison jokes here.)

PIT-CIN: A Steeler penalty invokes The Chin's wrath writ small; a small child can revel in the simple lip-reading required to learn "fucking dumb; fucking dumb."

DET-DAL: Another long punt return by the Lions is improved upon by a penalty of the touchy-feely variety. I need to find at least one special teams coach to explain this to me in the offseason: why the fuck is it so hard to avoid special teams penalties? Is it just perception because special teams is such a different vibe?

DET-DAL: Dallas appears to have checked out sometime just after the opening kickoff. They're letting Jon F. Kitna work them over like Gary Crosby. A fab TD catch by Roy Williams the Bluebeard helps sell the idea that the Cowboys are thinking about how to divvy up their playoff tickets.

First quarter wrap-up:
DET 13 DAL 0
PIT 0 CIN 0
NYJ 7 OAK 0

PIT-CIN: Willie Parker gets his cup massaged a lot by announcers; I don't remember watching any game he participated in this year without hearing about his orphan-saving or his loaf duplication method. However, Football Outsiders ranks him around 15th. Am I missing something? Is there potential here I don't have an eye for? I'm open to explanations.

PIT-CIN: Not coincidentally, Willie Parker scores the first points of the game on a short TD run to end a very impressive 15 play, 90 yard drive. It's this kind of head-down consistent work that the typical Pittsburgh fan identifies with. PIT 7 CIN 0.

What is the Department of Homeland Security's action plan for a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot mutiny? I seriously doubt putting a pick-up truck in their way will work for long; they adapt too quickly.

DET-DAL: Marion Barber III continues to electrify fantasy football rosters (with 17 week seasons) with his 320948903284th touchdown of the season on an equal number of carries. Also, Dallas may not be fully-involved, but the CBS cameraman is in post-season form, getting his lens deep in the cleavage of each Cowboy cheerleader. DET 13 DAL 7.

PIT-CIN: The Steelers defense is beating up the Bengals' offense, taking their lunches, and snickersnagging on them. It's a thorough domination, one that accounts for every detail down to the place settings for the Thorough Domination Celebration Dinner.

DET-DAL: Kitna is finally punished for his impertinence, coughing up an interception that is not called back for Bad Touch. It's the type of gunslinger throw we can look forward to tonight.

PIT-CIN: Strike what I said about snagging the snickers. The Bengals have adjusted, hitting short patterns to the sideline and underneath. They're marching down the field with confidence.

DET-DAL: One long drive later and it appears the Cowboys don't need to show up to succeed against the Lions. Brady Quinn should call Bloomfield Hills real estate agents now to beat the rush. DET 13 DAL 14.

PIT-CIN: Two straight false start penalties for the Bengals after starting 1st and goal; playoff focus! A field goal is the cousin-kissing conclusion to the half.

DET-DAL: Leave it to me to be an ass about this, but I think the Lions should have left the punter at home this week. It's good practice to go for every fou....fumbled punt by Dallas gives the Lions the ball around the 35. Hey, how about this weather we're experiencing?

OAK-NYJ: OAK 3 NYJ 10. Marvin Lewis' supply of anti-anxiety medication must be running low.

DET-DAL: Roy Williams the Bluebeard sucks in another touchdown pass as the half ends to help ruin the Lions' chance of getting the #1 pick. Brady Quinn demands to stay in Charlie Weis' warm, jiggly embrace forever.

Halftime wrap-up:
DET 20 DAL 14
PIT 7 CIN 3
OAK 3 NYJ 10

DET-DAL: Week 17 mindfucks, baby! The exotic beauty known as the fleaflicker steps up to the bar and gives the Cowboys the ball inside the 10...and then Romo holds the ball on the next play for about 4 days, allowing Detroit to strip the ball and get it back, only to go three-and-out and punt the ball to the Cowboys...for a punt return touchdown. Warm slop only a pig could love. (Speaking of Redskins fans...) DET 20 DAL 21.

DET-DAL: It could be a case of Stockholm Syndrome, but the holiday scarf on the Fox robot is kinda cute. Puckish, perhaps. Who does his body armor?

PIT-CIN: It's raining in Cincinnati. This is the only noticeable action halfway through the third quarter.

DET-DAL: Bill Parcells is challenging something, but I had the sound down; I assume he's challenging the need to finish this game.

OAK-NYJ: 20-3 Jets. Marvin Lewis is doing whippets on the sideline.

DET-DAL: Field goal from The Taxman. I assume only the truly degenerate gambler works Week 17.

PIT-CIN: In a fit of pique caused by another decent Davenport run, the lead announcer shouts, "It doesn't matter who runs the ball for Pittsburgh!" Insert stage direction to put finger to nose here.

PIT-CIN: Here's why we watch Week 17 when nothing is on the line: there's nothing like a rookie offensive lineman getting called for taunting. Bill Cowher's chin bounced off the third row of seats and he ran back to the sideline to find someone to replace him so the screaming could begin in earnest. The offending lineman, Willie Colon, may have tried to feign death to avoid coming off the field at the end of the quarter.

DET-DAL: Detroit scores again. Jesus, Matt...when Al Davis outmaneuvers you for the #1 pick, you might consider running a rubber pipe from the car exhaust.

Third-quarter wrap-up:
DET 30 DAL 21
PIT 7 CIN 3
OAK 3 NYJ 20

PIT-CIN: 99 yard touchdown drive by the Steelers is interrupted one yard short by a Willie Parker fumble. Marvin Lewis has commandeered a oxygen mask and is demanding that you do not look at him. Never look at him!

PIT-CIN: False start, 71, Cincinnati. Playoff focus!

PIT-CIN: Chris Henry runs like the cast of Armed and Famous is chasing him. He scores on a 66 yard touchdown pass that is pretty much all him. Marvin Lewis calls Betty Ford for detox advice and to mourn the recent dead...

OAK-NYJ: ...23-3 Jets.

DET-DAL: Dallas scores 3 points; I assume this was done with half of a touchdown. I'm finding it hard to watch a Lions game from beginning to end, especially with...

PIT-CIN: ...Willie Parker remembering to hold the ball all the way to the end zone this time. He just never makes a mistake, does he? PIT 14 CIN 10.

PIT-CIN: Carson Palmer is hurt. He's moving his legs, but he's not getting up. James Farrior lifted up Palmer and drove him into the ground as if he were building a fence. Anthony Wright is warming up. Marvin Lewis is mainlining electricity and listing ways to kill Pittsburgh players without being caught.

DET-DAL: At the same time, Lions offensive tackle Jonathan Scott is carted off the field, giving the thumbs-up so his mom doesn't worry.

PIT-CIN: Palmer's back on the field after the next play, but he's certainly not 'okay', despite the shorthand used by the announcers. No one's 'okay' after a play like that. He's hanging in there...

PIT-CIN: ...long enough to give those fans at the stadium without access to the Oakland game score hope (PIT 14 CIN 17)...

OAK-NYJ: ...23-3 Jets (F). Marvin Lewis wants to date Courtney Love. Or a San Francisco win over Denver and Kansas City to hold their lead over Jacksonville.

JAC-KC: 35-30 Kansas City, 4 minutes left.

PIT-CIN: Pittsburgh ties it up on a field goal. Cincinnati has a chance to get in position for a field goal with less than a minute remaining...and their field goal kicker asks for his lip balm. Marvin Lewis eats the lip balm.

PIT-CIN: I hope that lip balm comes in Choke flavor. A 39 yard field goal misses wide right and we'll have overtime...

PIT-CIN: ...for about a minute and a half. Pittsburgh scores on a very long pass-and-run. Marvin Lewis is last seen with a copy of "Self-Immolation for Dummies" under his arm.

Final wrap-up:
DET 39 DAL 31
PIT 23 CIN 17 (OT)
OAK 3 NYJ 23
KC 35 JAC 30

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Fourth Quarter Action

The fourth quarter starts with Romeo Crennel sucking on an oxygen mask and demanding no one look at him. The NFL Network provides 12 angles of this.

Update #1: Derek Anderson clanks a three from 35 feet/yards, sending rumbles throughout the crowd. It's still 38-24 Browns. Bryant and Cris will not shut the fuck up about the Bills game. Yes, it's been a nice little display and yes, I hope the game actually becomes close, but let's not all start sucking ea...

Wait! Is...is that Super John Kuhn's music?

God, I hope not; I think they're playing Xanadu. Who let Bryant pick the in-house music tonight?

Update #2: A PLACE WHERE NOBODY DARED TO GO; THE LOVE THAT WE CAME TO KNOW, THEY CALL IT SUPER JOHN KUUUUUUUHN....



Super John Kuhn scores again from 14 yards after another tightly wound drive by the Steelers. He's not juking the socks off anyone; he's just...I don't know. If I had TiVo, maybe I could pause the game and see that it's Scott Bakula under the helmet and Dean Stockwell is on the sideline. For now, though, it appears he's just running and the Browns have decided they've met their quota for tackling white guys this evening.

Steelers fans have started growing new Franco Harris mustaches in anticipation of this new hero in the making. Needless to say, the women are ahead of the men at the first furlong.

Update #3: Oh, hey...how are you folks without NFL Network enjoying this game? Just curious.

Update #4: During the lull when nobody scores for 30 Goddamned seconds, I've had a bit of time to check on Super John Kuhn. Apparently, he nearly set quite a few records at Shippensburg U, most of them involving academics. He's also a local boy by PA standards; he grew up 220 miles away. I believe he could walk there from the stadium without a Cleveland defender touching him right now.

Update #5: Naturally, as soon as I start pumping the boy up, he fails to get a first down on fourth-and-inches and the Browns get the ball at the Steelers 47 with 5:30 left. Running out of time, boys...

Update #6: Wow, this HD is great; I can even hear Derek Anderson's sphincter tighten up. He fumbles the ball while holding it out in front of him and making the mating call for the defensive lineman ("I WET 'EM, SIR"). Romeo Crennel just looked down the sideline for Ken Dorsey, who was sprinting back into the locker room to look for his cajones.

Update #7: Ken finds the Cleveland defense trying to catch the ending of Snow Day. Do the adults get what's coming to them? How will they ever know?

Update #8: Hines Ward, we didn't forget about you; don't be jealous. You can have this TD pass from Ben (whose last name I have not yet bothered trying to master). We still love you. 38-31 Browns, 4:03 left. Tick tock.

Update #9: NOW Cowher doesn't kick the ball onsides, proving that coaches make all their late-game decisions using the Magic 8 Ball.

Update #10: Three and out from Derek Anderson in his last game as a professional. Hey, maybe you could try hockey next...

Update #11: I muted White Chocolate; I can't take the Bills talk anymore.

Update #12: Little girls all across Pittsburgh will be taking out construction paper, spreading glue on it, and sprinkling glitter all over it. The message will be clear when the glitter is brushed away: "I HEART SUPER JOHN!"

As a change of pace, Ben *throws* a touchdown pass to Super John from 4 yards out. Romeo has lost control of his considerable bowels and is screaming to Harvey, his invisible rabbit, that someone should really put a fucking body on that fucking white boy.

Roughly speaking. And his name is Super John and he once pulled a tractor off his father using his bare hands. It is a motherfucking tie, 38-38, :37 left. I may loose my own bowels unintentionally.

Update #13: Sorry about the bowels thing.

Update #14: Bill Cowher has spent nearly 15 years as the Steelers head coach. He has a Super Bowl ring so new that he has spilled almost no mustard on it. His team is out of playoff contention.

This must be the security behind GOING FOR THE FUCKING ONSIDE KICK WITH :35 LEFT IN THE GAME! ack. I fear I have lost control of my Caps Lock key. I DON'T CARE! SUPER FUCKING JOHN RECOVERS IT! I didn't even notice he was still playing special teams, too. Is he working concessions? Calling the camera shots? Selling season tickets?

Oh, he's selling season tickets.

Update #14: There's not enough frozen water in the Fortress of Solitude to ice Jeff Reed tonight. I don't care that he has both sucked and blown this year. Y'know what? He could make it from his living room right now.

Update #15: ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

aaahahahahahahaahhaahahahahaha.

Jeff Reed bounces it off the inside of the right upright from 39 yards out to win the game. Pittsburgh may not sleep for two days. I may sleep enough for all of them. Someone let me know if Super John catches a bullet in his hand in the post-game interviews. I'm spent and the sheets are unusually moist. Good night, you kids.

(Oh, and Cleveland? Last week, I reached out to Carolina fans crushed by a difficult loss. For you? Call Ontario to cry.)

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Third Quarter Action

Welcome to Three Mile Island. Please don your protective gear and move to the safety area until further notice. Thank you.

Apparently, Bill Cowher has less confidence in Super John Kuhn as he has come out throwing in the second half. (Of course, that may have a lot to do with being down 38-3.) Ben has stitched together 5 straight passes to quietly move the ball downfield. I'm guessing the Cleveland secondary is a bit distracted by their post-game plans.

Update #1: Super John Kuhn shows a little cape over one shoulder. On his first carry, he steams to a 57-yard touchdown run that had very little to do with beauty and everything to do with functionality. Cleveland's run defense consisted of light strips and a clearance to land. Bryant gets Kuhn's name correct, probably because he can relate to a stiff white guy succeeding. 38-10 Browns. Let the healing begin.

Update #2: A few mechanical beeps can be heard from Metaphor Hospital's ICU as Pittsburgh succeeds at an onside kick. Fans are pausing briefly at the turnstiles and glancing back at the concession stand televisions to consider their next move.

Update #3: Their next move is to step the concession stand for a cup of courage, down it, buy another, and then slip back into their seats. Super John Kuhn pulls the whole cape out and takes his *next* carry 54 yards to La casa gol. (Two years of high school Spanish. Can you believe it?) I believe Gumbel showed a pulse and Collinsworth has predicted a victory for the Steelers. I suspect both are kidding, but youneverknow. 38-17 Browns.

Update #4: If the smell of sulphur is overpowering, Bill, stay away from the well. The Browns were quite ready for the onside kick this time. Bill Frist has stopped his vigil on Gumbel and Collinsworth is trying to explain the playoff possibilities for the Browns. I'm only half-listening, but I believe it involves getting Ontario to annex Ohio and absorbing the Browns into the CFL.

Needless to say, I'm open to this suggestion.

Update #5: Apparently, Derek Anderson has been replaced by Eric Snow, the only guard slower than him in the NBA. That must explain how he was caught from behind by Casey Hampton on a scramble. The ball is then pulled into Casey's gravitational pull. The game is delayed a few minutes as the Jaws of Life are called in. Fumble; recovered by the Steelers.

Update #6: Super John Kuhn carries the ball for a 6 yard gain but does not score a touchdown. A call goes out for a young priest and an old priest.

Update #7: Ben's head spins around three times and he finds Hines Ward on a hook and go for a 47 yard touchdown. Cleveland's defensive coordinator is called down from the booth and sent into the locker room to make sure his players made it out on the field after halftime. 38-24 Browns.

Update #8: The Cleveland defense is found watching Snow Day. Oh, those kids with their hijinks...

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Second Quarter Action

I had an inspirational bit here. It was a message of hope for Pittsburgh fans. It was a message of joy. It was a window to the soul through which Steelers fans could envision both inner beauty and a comeback.

Then Dennis Northcutt ran back the punt for a TD. 21-0 Browns.

I had a beautiful bit here. It was a message of hope for Pittsburgh fans. It was a message of joy. It was a window to the soul through which Steelers fans could envision both inner beauty and a comeback.

Then Dennis Northcutt ran back the punt for a TD. 21-0 Browns.

Update #1: Okay, I stepped away for a few minutes to clean and tend to my cat. What did I miss?

Oh. Oh, I see.

Congratulations to the Browns on their field goal, running TD, and 62 yard punt.

Condolences to the Steelers for their fumble and 24 yard field goal. 31-3 Browns.

Hey, Pittsburgh, did I mention tonight is Test Pattern Night on WPCW? Why don't you flip over now and check that out? I hear Cris Collinsworth doesn't tell you why your quarterback can't change his own diaper on that station. He certainly doesn't present a wonderful series of play breakdowns to illustrate said point over there.

Update #2: Najeh Davenport just limped off the field with the assistance of the training staff at the two-minute warning.

uhm.



Hey! Look! A shiny thing!

Bryant Gumbel calls him "No-Date Davenport," I think. What's the prep work like, Bryant? Do you read the rosters of *both* teams? Very thorough of you.

Update #3: Bill Cowher appears to have just remembered how he lost his favorite stuffed animal, Pilly the caterpillar, when he was 7 and the sudden realization of just how much Pilly meant to him may crush his soul.

Or he may have glanced down the depth chart and seen Super John Kuhn from Sarsaparilla State as his sole remaining running back. Jerome Bettis, please pick up a white courtesy phone. Jerome Bettis...

Update #4: Bets will be taken for the next 60 seconds on Gumbel calling Kuhn "Bowie".

Okay then. That's positive; Bill has the confidence in Dan Kreider to hand off to him inside the 20 with 1:37 left in the half.

Of course, Dan fumbles it to Brodney Pool, who runs it back 87 yards for a touchdown. Still, it's good to see Bill had confidence in the veteran.

(Pittsburgh fans, don't read the rest of this post.)

38-3 Browns.

Update #5: Super John Kuhn, special teams god, gets the handoff from Ben and manages to come out both alive and in possession of the ball. The parade for Kuhn starts at noon tomorrow in front of Heinz Field.

Halftime from a merciful and benevolent higher being. I will be away at half, answering suicide prevention hotline calls from the 412 area code.

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: First Quarter Action

Alright, let's get this underwhelming party started. Pittsburgh is 5-7 but has (barely) outscored their opponents, leaving them just a bit of good luck away from mediocrity; Cleveland is 4-8 and hoping the third point guard from the Heat can pull them through again.

For those of you not in an institutional setting, you may also wish to consider these possibilities:

My Name Is Earl is doing a one-hour special on measuring the annoyance of Leguizamo against the chest of Pressley.
Smallville has Allison Mack and others I kinda notice near her.
Uhm...TBS has the Chris Elliott vehicle Snow Day.

You get the idea.

Update #1: ....and that didn't take long. Nice assist from Derek to Kellen Winslow for the bucket and the foul on the third play from scrimmage. Give me a second to get my nachos and beer and find my seat again, would you, Derek? 7-0 Browns.

Update #2: Ben? Honey? Do you feel alright? D'Qwell Jackson isn't on the practice squad; he's a Cleveland Brown. I tell you what; I'll introduce you two once he comes back from that hideous touchdown dance he's doing. Very quickly, 14-0 Browns.

Update #3: With just a couple minutes left in the first quarter, Willie Parker was just sent to brain bruise land by Willie McGinest on a third and short. He was out long enough to visit Narnia but not long enough to join an actual Crusade. (We joke because we love; also, I waited until he sat up on his own and asked for a lollipop.)

During this very long delay, we find out two things about the NFL Network: one, they want sooze and the rest of you to think they're CSI because they've shown the blow graphically enough that I may need to call a loved one to sit with me and ensure I don't go to sleep for 6 hours. Two, Bryant Gumbel thought the starting running back was Lewis Parker. Hey, Bryant, Pittsburgh wishes.

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Pre-Game "Action"

Hello and welcome to beautiful Pittsb...did we hire a new fact checker? Yes? Okay...welcome to beautiful Pittsburgh, where NFL Hits gets its first taste of White Chocolate, Gumbel and Collinsworth. (Yes, Cris would be the more urban of the two.)

The Cleveland-Pittsburgh matchup always tickles me for its "mud and the blood and the beer" atmosphere and one of my earliest football memories. Rich relatives from eastern OH and western PA visited one prepubescent fall many moons ago. Both uncles declared they needed to see The Game (CLE-PIT) and left the women folk (their wives and their wives' sisters) to abscond to the nearest bar. This was no small trick in a dry town, but they were resolute.

Looking at me and glancing over my shoulder to see the hen party they were fleeing, pity was taken on a young man and I was abducted. Mind you, I'd never been to a bar before. This was a wild new world, full of ginger ale and TV screens bigger than any I'd seen outside of a theme park.

In reality, this was a shitty pitch-black dive bar whose main advantage was being the closest one with the game on that would let a little kid in. What did I care, though?

Each uncle jostled the other throughout the game until Cleveland pulled it out at the end. Even that detail would be fuzzy if the winning uncle hadn't dropped his well-worn $2 Browns ballcap on my head at the end.

I remembered what I needed to, though: all good things this day came because of The Game, which was celebrated by Men. I've switched drinks and company since, but the truth remains.

As I grew older and more sophisticated about sports, I noticed those uncles weren't really much into sports. Perhaps they were casual fans of the respective teams, but they didn't seem to be hardcore by any stretch. How could these two men be the ones to deliver the truth?

Years later, I found that ratty old Browns hat while packing for college. I pulled it on for old time's sake and noticed the rancid smell of sweat, something I never associated with this man. I pulled the hat off to examine it further. Inside, I noticed one of my uncle's friends name written in marker. Who brings their friend's Browns hat cross-country for a family tr...

...and the last tumbler clicked. My uncles may be many things, but they are not to be underestimated. They knew the trip would be clogged with their wives and their wives' sisters cackling and formulated an escape plan worthy of Steve McQueen and Sir Richard Attenborough, packing the borrowed cap as a MacGuffin and grabbing the younger me as a human shield/"good experience for the kid". My Browns' hat off to you, sirs; well met, indeed.

I just missed the pre-game show (aw shucks); we'll jump right into game coverage in a moment.