Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Fourth Quarter Action

The fourth quarter starts with Romeo Crennel sucking on an oxygen mask and demanding no one look at him. The NFL Network provides 12 angles of this.

Update #1: Derek Anderson clanks a three from 35 feet/yards, sending rumbles throughout the crowd. It's still 38-24 Browns. Bryant and Cris will not shut the fuck up about the Bills game. Yes, it's been a nice little display and yes, I hope the game actually becomes close, but let's not all start sucking ea...

Wait! Is...is that Super John Kuhn's music?

God, I hope not; I think they're playing Xanadu. Who let Bryant pick the in-house music tonight?

Update #2: A PLACE WHERE NOBODY DARED TO GO; THE LOVE THAT WE CAME TO KNOW, THEY CALL IT SUPER JOHN KUUUUUUUHN....



Super John Kuhn scores again from 14 yards after another tightly wound drive by the Steelers. He's not juking the socks off anyone; he's just...I don't know. If I had TiVo, maybe I could pause the game and see that it's Scott Bakula under the helmet and Dean Stockwell is on the sideline. For now, though, it appears he's just running and the Browns have decided they've met their quota for tackling white guys this evening.

Steelers fans have started growing new Franco Harris mustaches in anticipation of this new hero in the making. Needless to say, the women are ahead of the men at the first furlong.

Update #3: Oh, hey...how are you folks without NFL Network enjoying this game? Just curious.

Update #4: During the lull when nobody scores for 30 Goddamned seconds, I've had a bit of time to check on Super John Kuhn. Apparently, he nearly set quite a few records at Shippensburg U, most of them involving academics. He's also a local boy by PA standards; he grew up 220 miles away. I believe he could walk there from the stadium without a Cleveland defender touching him right now.

Update #5: Naturally, as soon as I start pumping the boy up, he fails to get a first down on fourth-and-inches and the Browns get the ball at the Steelers 47 with 5:30 left. Running out of time, boys...

Update #6: Wow, this HD is great; I can even hear Derek Anderson's sphincter tighten up. He fumbles the ball while holding it out in front of him and making the mating call for the defensive lineman ("I WET 'EM, SIR"). Romeo Crennel just looked down the sideline for Ken Dorsey, who was sprinting back into the locker room to look for his cajones.

Update #7: Ken finds the Cleveland defense trying to catch the ending of Snow Day. Do the adults get what's coming to them? How will they ever know?

Update #8: Hines Ward, we didn't forget about you; don't be jealous. You can have this TD pass from Ben (whose last name I have not yet bothered trying to master). We still love you. 38-31 Browns, 4:03 left. Tick tock.

Update #9: NOW Cowher doesn't kick the ball onsides, proving that coaches make all their late-game decisions using the Magic 8 Ball.

Update #10: Three and out from Derek Anderson in his last game as a professional. Hey, maybe you could try hockey next...

Update #11: I muted White Chocolate; I can't take the Bills talk anymore.

Update #12: Little girls all across Pittsburgh will be taking out construction paper, spreading glue on it, and sprinkling glitter all over it. The message will be clear when the glitter is brushed away: "I HEART SUPER JOHN!"

As a change of pace, Ben *throws* a touchdown pass to Super John from 4 yards out. Romeo has lost control of his considerable bowels and is screaming to Harvey, his invisible rabbit, that someone should really put a fucking body on that fucking white boy.

Roughly speaking. And his name is Super John and he once pulled a tractor off his father using his bare hands. It is a motherfucking tie, 38-38, :37 left. I may loose my own bowels unintentionally.

Update #13: Sorry about the bowels thing.

Update #14: Bill Cowher has spent nearly 15 years as the Steelers head coach. He has a Super Bowl ring so new that he has spilled almost no mustard on it. His team is out of playoff contention.

This must be the security behind GOING FOR THE FUCKING ONSIDE KICK WITH :35 LEFT IN THE GAME! ack. I fear I have lost control of my Caps Lock key. I DON'T CARE! SUPER FUCKING JOHN RECOVERS IT! I didn't even notice he was still playing special teams, too. Is he working concessions? Calling the camera shots? Selling season tickets?

Oh, he's selling season tickets.

Update #14: There's not enough frozen water in the Fortress of Solitude to ice Jeff Reed tonight. I don't care that he has both sucked and blown this year. Y'know what? He could make it from his living room right now.

Update #15: ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

aaahahahahahahaahhaahahahahaha.

Jeff Reed bounces it off the inside of the right upright from 39 yards out to win the game. Pittsburgh may not sleep for two days. I may sleep enough for all of them. Someone let me know if Super John catches a bullet in his hand in the post-game interviews. I'm spent and the sheets are unusually moist. Good night, you kids.

(Oh, and Cleveland? Last week, I reached out to Carolina fans crushed by a difficult loss. For you? Call Ontario to cry.)