Bears-Buccaneers

First Quarter
Bears 7 - Buccaneers 0

Tampa Bay's film study must have been compiled by this man, for they've let the Bears march down the field using the run game and hitting the tight ends and running backs for short passes. Rex Grossman hasn't really thrown the ball deep yet. They're also kicking to Devin Hester instead of flinging the ball to the sidelines and begging for mercy.

Also, it appears someone didn't read his self-review; the Buccaneers offense is slightly more conservative than Justice Souter at the moment. Due to the technological advances that modern sports coverage has brought us in the last 20 years, you can actually hear Gradkowski's sphincter clench before each snap.

Thankfully, the Bears are able to slip an instant replay challenge in before the quarter ends.

Second Quarter
Bears 21 - Buccaneers 3

Rex Grossman is back to floating long passes out, hoping for a pass interference call or divine intervention. A fairly amusing special teams penalty against the Bears (hint: the boundary stripe is not a takeoff strip for the flyer) sets the Buccaneers up for business at the 26 yard line, but the Bucs offense comes alive to the tune of -1 yards. Tim Rattay starts warming up. At least Bruce will have time to update his report. (Oh, and his résumé.)

The Buccaneers kick it off to the 35 to specifically avoid Hester but don't tackle the Bears' special team member until the 45. They might be better off kicking it out of bounds. The Bears follow the same intricate battle plan (run, run, Desmond Clark, run) to best effect, letting Thomas Jones finish 'er off. Jones then tosses it in the stands to a man in his late 20s wearing the execrable orange Bears shirt that has become popular in these parts. This fan's celebration of the gift is positively magical.

Tim Rattay is in. Gradkowski didn't turn the ball over, mostly because he averaged 8 yards per completed pass, which he did less than half the time. It's possible that clenching sound I heard in the first quarter was Jon Gruden's jaw.

Near the end of the half, Daryl Johnston compares Rex Grossman to a Longfellow poem:

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

Fox throws to commercial to prevent the Earth's axis from being altered by a football analyst reciting poetry from memory.

The Bears tack on a two-minute drill touchdown that is completed the same way the rest of the half went: short passes, runs, and Desmond Clark in the end zone. Nice spitcurl, Superman.

Third Quarter
Bears 24 - Buccaneers 10

Hey, did you know Mike Alstott is still in the league? (Does Mike Alstott realize he's still in the league?)

Tim Rattay hits Josh Bidwell in the back of the head with a lead pass. Unfortunately, Bidwell is the punter. And 10 yards out of bounds.

Tampa Bay, here's when you know it's over: Olin Kreutz, the Bears center, is getting retaliation penalties and pointing at the scoreboard. The Bucs defense signs Mardy Collins for the second half.

The Tim Rattay Show finds the end zone for the first time this year on a very long drive, punctuated by me taking a nap for most of it. Alstott scored the TD to try to make me look like an ass. Don't need the help, Mike. According to Fox, Alstott also scored the last offensive TD for the Buccaneers....three weeks ago.

Devin Hester falls from heaven, fumbling the kickoff to the Buccaneers at the 20. I'm awake now.

Fourth Quarter
Bears 31 - Buccaneers 31

Second play of the fourth quarter takes advantage of the turnover, causing my sphincter to clench a bit.

The Bears Respond. The drive is marked by multiple throws to the fullback, numerous runs by Benson (including the scoring play), and smart offensive calls by Ron Turner that limit the number of decisions Grossman has to make and how much time he needs to make them.

Fox has been putting up pictures and quotes about Lamar Hunt, but they've never explained who he was to younger viewers. Lost opportunity.

Tampa Bay commits its first turnover of the game (!) and you can feel free to check on your loved ones and order another pizza in preparation for the late game.

WHY WON'T YOU DIE? Joey Galloway runs a very long way on a very lucky pass. Ike Hilliard follows and it's tied.

Overtime
Bears 34 - Buccaneers 31

Over. Fucking. Time. Tampa Bay wins the toss and will receive.

Tampa Bay swallows their own tongues almost immediately, allowing the natural order to return. The Buccaneers fumble and then a Buc player throws his helmet to the ground petulantly for a 15-yard penalty. Yet again, instant replay causes us to question all we know for another five minutes. Finally, the ruling stands.

The Bears then repeat the sensation by missing a 37-yard field goal. A proctologist with the Jaws of Life could not open my sphincter right now.

The Bears prevent the Bucs from getting outside their own 20, take the punt to mid-field, and get within field goal range on a Davis catch and a Peterson run. A 25-yard field goal then clinches the game and home field advantage during the postseason. If I had known The Tim Rattay Show was so formidable, I would have counterprogrammed better.

Lions vs. Packers

Let the excitement begin.

From Seattlepi.com:

"After a seemingly winnable two-game stretch against Detroit (2-11) and Minnesota (6-7) at home, the 5-8 Packers finish up with a trip to meet Chicago in a game that might be meaningless for the NFC-leading Bears. Mike McCarthy's team would need some additional help in the form of more losses than wins for other Wild Card hopefuls such as the Giants (7-6), Eagles (7-6), Falcons (7-6), and/or Panthers (6-7), but with an 8-8 mark and 7-5 record within the NFC, a Green Bay team that has been residing on the south side of .500 all season could, however implausibly, find itself in the postseason bracket."

If the Pack make the Playoffs, I will streak naked through the city wearing green and gold body paint.

In all seriousness, Brett Favre is a career 15-0 against Detroit and the Lions are one of the few teams worse off than Green Bay. A win today is more than plausible, it's expected.

First Quarter Update: Lions 3, Packers 3.
John Kitna's short left passes were not enough to get the Lions into the red zone, and Detroit was forced to kick a 42-yard field goal. Al Harris made an astounding pick and ran 34 yards before being pushed out of bounds. Favre hit David Martin square in the numbers in the end zone, but Marty couldn't hang on to the football. Rayner's kick is good, game tied at three. The Packers will start the second quarter with possession at the GB 48. When will the excitement end?!

Halftime Update: Lions 3, Packers 10.
Vernon Morency sneaks into the end zone on a 14-yard run for the first touchdown of the game. Brett Favre now holds the all-time NFL record for completions at 4,968: Bad Ass. Green Bay loses one of their most experience offensive linemen: Crappy. Kitna is 10/13 passing for 59 yards (19 rushing) with 1 interception while Favre is 15/25 for 144 yards and a touchdown.

Third Quarter Update: Lions 6, Packers 10.
Kitna can't really manage to get down the field, so the Lions settle for another field goal (42 yards). To make matters worse for Detroit, Charles Woodsen picks off Kitna, who then gets called for the 15-yard face mask penalty. I like your moves, Johnny. With that possession, Favre throws a pick to former Packer Paris Lenon in the end zone. The Lions will have the ball at the start of the fourth.

Game Recap: Lions 9, Packers 17.

John Kitna could not get anything done against the Green Bay defense. When Favre threw an interception from the endzone to the GB 12, I thought the Lions had a pretty decent chance of scoring. Could they possibly move the ball 12 yards?

"Actually, no," says the Lions quarterback. "We thought we should just try to push through 2 or 3 yards at a time until we could get within field goal range for Hanson. He's on my fantasy team."

Hey, that works, if you're looking to be replaced by Troy Smith next season. Kitna finished the game going 16/26 passing with zero touchdowns and 135 yards, bringing the Lions' record to 2-12.

On the other side of the ball, Brett Favre went 20/37 passing for 174 yards, becoming the new All-time completions leader. He was sacked once and threw three picks. Vernon Morency had a pretty good game, rushing 54 yards with two touchdowns. Defensive Tackle Cullen Jenkins mauled Kitna 3 times, Aaron Kampman sacked him twice and Corey Williams brought him down one other time. The Packers' D also intercepted 2 passes, helping bring their record to 6-8 (tied with the Vikes) in the dismal NFC North.

Bears-Buccaneers Preview

First, I'd like to thank all of you for this kind honor. While I find the work rewarding unto itself, it's certainly wonderful to be recognized. (And to Kissing Suzy Kolber: In. Your. FACE.)

As your newly-selected spokesperson for the planet, I want you to know I take this responsibility gravely and will do my level best to continue supporting your needs. I am here for you, little people. Now please stand and be chosen to hear the Word; it's not necessary to genuflect constantly. Occasionally is quite sufficient.

First, I choose you, Bruce Gradkowski. You will be facing the Chicago Bears defense today. You will probably be far too busy this evening finding reasons to keep living to remember you have a status report to file when you get back in the office Monday. To assist you, I have written your status report for you before the game starts; you can file this before game time and have nothing to worry about but the game at hand.



Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club
One Buccaneer Place
Tampa, FL 33607

To: P. Hackett
Cc: Jo. Gruden

Quarterback Self-Review - Week 15

I. Executive Summary
My performance against the Chicago Bears in Week 15 showed both promise and improvement despite unexpected setbacks that were both impossible to predict and unavoidable. This type of steady progress reflects my hard work and personal drive to represent the Buccaneers organization proudly.

II. Project Description
i. Preparation
To prepare to face the best pass defense and overall defense in the National Football League this year, I worked with the Film Department and the Quarterbacks Coach to analyze the opposition. As you know, I have had well-documented issues differentiating between those players with the Buccaneers organization and those who compete against us. I am pleased to report I had no such issues during film study this week; I could even tell the players apart at half-speed, no longer seeing them all as blurs. I must also report that my choking sobs and panic attacks have returned, though the quality of the opposition should be considered.

Also, I participated with the first team offense again during practice. Most of the offensive line has learned my name and stopped referring to me as 'Ground Chuck'. Anthony Davis continues to refer to me as 'Ground Bruce', but the others have remembered that I do not respond well to that name.

ii. Execution
The game did not go quite as planned, despite copious preparation. We discovered the Bears defense functioned adequately despite the loss of many starters. My congenital disorder that causes me to soil myself when chased by very large men did affect me again twice in the first quarter, for which I have submitted restitution forms to cover the cost of cleaning and hazardous waste removal.

Also, I continue to improve on working under full-speed game conditions. I only curled into the fetal position three times in the first half, a new personal record and a tribute to the strength and conditioning staff's recommendation to stop working the abdominal region as much. (I believe the assistant said it best: "You can stop trying now." It really helped me focus on the other aspects of my position.)

Despite reports to the contrary, the fumble at 6:47 in the second quarter did not occur because I squealed, flipped the ball to a defensive lineman, and yelled, "Not in the face!" None of these actions occurred; I am insulted that Fox Sports would find it amusing to overdub this scurrilous lie during the halftime score review.

It should also be noted that 31 of the 37 passes not caught by members of the Receiving Department were considered 'drops' by this group and should be referred to Receiving for explanation. (The other six were successfully caught by Bears defenders, showing my improvement on spirals.)

Finally, I now understand that the Victory formation should only be called when we are winning. Also, it should never be called in the third quarter on three consecutive plays. This was a simple miscommunication and not cowardice, as implied by Tony Siragusa during the television broadcast.

III. Steps for Improvement
I will continue to focus on learning the playbook, facing the correct direction, and throwing the football to members of the Receiving Department on the fly. Also, I will look into the recommendation of many Buccaneers fans that I pursue a real estate license in the off-season; I assume this will help me locate members of the Receiving Department more easily.

I look forward to receiving your reviews and serving the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club again next week.

Sincerely,
Bruce Gradkowski
Senior Quarterback Engineer - Quarterbacks Department
Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club

My interview with Denver's O-line

For years, or maybe centuries, the Denver Bronco offensively line has ignored the media. In their silence, they speak volumes about what it means to play as the consummate unit, or something. I think it's cheesy; no reporter is clamoring to talk to the offensive line. Those guys are quirky.

Thanks to an unknown source that doesn't exist, NFL Hits scored an interview with the entire offensive line of the 2006 Denver Broncos of the National Football League of sports. Without further adieu, we give you Cooper Carlisle, George Foster, Ben Hamilton, Chris Kuper, Adam Meadows, Chris Myers, Tom Nalen and Erik Pears. Chris Kuper, Adam Meadows, Chris Myers, and Erik Pears couldn't be reached for comment.

NFL Hits: Welcome, fellas, how's the 2006 treating you.

Cooper Carlisle: Not well, not well at all. We've been inconsistent in the run, terrible in the pass, and 7-6 pleases no one.

George Foster: We suck a little, that's why this whole media thing is great. All the skill position players get the spotlight, and consequently the blame. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the corner acting like I know what the hell sudoku is.

NFL Hits: So is that the reason for keeping mum?

Ben Hamilton: Partly. We are basically holding out, like that pact on Seinfeld, and the first person that talks to the media has to play an entire game with an open tube of icy hot in their jock.

NFL Hits: I see.

Tom Nalen: I also appreciate the luxury of not answering questions about our supposed dirty play.

NFL Hits: Let's get to that. George, in 2004, you ended Bengals DT Tony Williams' season when your crackback block broke and dislocated his ankle. Of course, he wasn't looking. Any regrets about that?

GF: No. I said there were back then to alleviate tensions, but I'm not going to apologize now for the kind of player that I am. All teams do that, we just do it better.

TN: Yeah, much, much better. In fact, I'm writing a book about it. No book tour, though....media.

BH: One of the best things about it is taking on the Jason Taylors of the world, the bigger guys, that means more leg. I love me some legs that don't quit-

TN: Dude, what are you talking about?

BH: Jason Taylor's legs, what!?

TN: Do you understand yet why we don't talk to the media?

NFL Hits: I'm starting to. What about players, in and out of the league, talking about your dirty-

TN: SUPPOSED!

NFL Hits: Dirty play. Brian Cox has called you cowards, and Igor Olshansky recently called you wussies, incapable of running power plays that require smashmouth blocking. What is your response to that?

GF: Whatever, just wait until next time, we'll cut block him so hard his kids will need crutch-

TN: Uh, I think what he's trying to say is...I'm not sure. But, I don't apologize for what I did. It was a kneel down, and Igor made the slightest flinch. I thought he was going to rough up Jake, so I did my best to destroy his tibia. Fair trade, if you ask me, which you did.

BH: I would like to ask his parents if Igor is depressed.

CC: Is that a Winnie the Pooh reference? Why are you here?

BH: I missed the bus.

NFL Hits: Alex Gibbs, the line coach in Atlanta, is now spreading the techniques that you all have made so famous here. Are the aspects of line play he preached the primary reason Denver can just plug in any runningback and excel?

CC: Of course. I mean, Olandis Gary? We made that guy Robert Smith for a year, now he is selling real estate. Or crack, I forget which one.

GF: That's real nice, ass. But the truth is, you could plug Larry Flynt in our backfield and he'd probably average three yards a carry. After all, we were there when Ron Dayne got his career long. Don't tell me Ron Dayne had anything to do with it. That guy eats babies.

TN: Understand this. If we had Jim Brown in our backfield, he would have rushed for twelve miles. Only problem was the pass blocking we had to do for Elway, that selfish bastard. That's why I love Jake, no way in hell we pass too much. Now Jay is in and it's back to business with the stupid pass. I HATE FOOTBALL! But seriously, do you understand why we don't talk to the media?

NFL Hits: Most certainly, it's clear as day. One more question: You know Mark Schlereth, right? What trumps what: Your hatred of all media figures, or an ex-lineman turned scab. Do you catch up on memories gone by, or do you spit in his face?

CC: Spit

BH: Who is Mark Schle....sherleth....sherthlet....scerthelt?

TN: As the only one that really knows him, I felt betrayed when he joined the media. I told him, "You do this, and you have lost a friend, sir." Then he said, "My friend is this sweet paycheck for reading off a monitor, blow my gums, suckas." Then he walked off, and we haven't spoken since. No matter, though, I've set up a "Harold Reynolds" down at Bristol that could have Mister Schlereth on the unemployment line very soon.

NFL Hits: Seems harsh.

TN: I'll tell you what's harsh, seeing your brethren suckle the teet of the other side, that's what's harsh. It's like having your daughter date the punk down the street, sure he's cute, but we had something going, too. You just gonna throw that all away for some cheap thrills, Mark. Why Mark, why?

GF: Tom kind of equates this to Benidict Arnold.

TN: *Whimper*, turn the cameras off.

NFL Hits: That's okay. We're done here. I want to thank you-HEY, GET OFF MY LEGS.

BH: Sorry, couldn't help myself.

Back...and to the left. Back...and to the left.

At roughly this point every season since 1999, I find myself with stabbing pains while I watch the fine National Football League product. My weekend NFL diet is injected with 3-5 minutes of gas about once per hour, causing my eyes to roll back and my GI tract to convulse.

What could cause me such heartburn? What pains my digestion so? First and foremost, I really need to stop throwing a can of cooked spinach, a can of artichoke hearts, and a brick of cream cheese into the microwave and calling it "spinach artichoke dip". Instead, I should perhaps call it "Colon Clog" and stop by Safeway for the natural antidote.

Second and more topically, I have long since lost all resistance to the scourge called "instant replay" and cannot protect myself against its disruptive forces. Instant replay interrupts the narrative flow of a ball game and destroys all semblance of what we've come to know as momentum for a dubious cause.

While I recognize there have been multiple attempts to minimize the delays caused by instant replay, here's what we've been left with:

A close call is made by one or more of 87 officials on the field, at least two of whom at any given moment is close enough to the action to have his spleen shoved into his sinus cavities by an inattentive player. After the team most aggrieved by this close call contacts his Committee on Throwing a Wimpy Red Flag on the Field of Play, that team's head coach then flings his jaunty ascot onto the field in a manner that causes the other officials to laugh and point derisively.

(Of course, head coaches always opted for the less-conspicuous beeper until that 'technology added to aid technology' failed, embarrassing the head coaches. Now they throw a scrap of cloth that could have been Carrie's prom panties. If I could poll head coaches under the influence of mythical truth serum, my first question would be thus: "Don't you wish you could just chuck that beeper at the back of the referee's head?")

The referee immediately bristles, as do we all, for we know we have to sit through five minutes of unbearable boredom. He trudges over to the head coach and asks, in his best maitre d' voice, "How may I help you, sir?" In previous instant replay incarnations, this would be where the head coach would relish his opportunity to force the referee to stand quietly while the head coach shamed the referee for 30 seconds in front of millions of eyes. Now the head coach realizes this fine fellow is the one to make the final decision and should be rewarded for his trouble with cookies and milk.

The referees then jogs 100 yards to the peep show booth set up just for him on the sideline. We used to then stare at his ass for 2-3 minutes, sprinkled with 4-5 replays of the play in question. Now we have two choices: 400 replays of the play in question until we're sure Kevin Costner is in the truck or the quick toss to commercial that makes ad executives rub their crotches involuntarily. I consider the latter the merciful viewer death. (I'd speak up for those with game tickets here, but not even the league gives a passing shit about them.)

When mercy is not on the menu, the broadcasters spend the first six replays deciding on the outcome of the play and the other 394 in a clumsy soft-shoe, trying to stretch time. Of course, broadcasters are often as wrong as the original call, but there are two primal fears for the broadcaster: dead time and more dead time.

In their defense, there is no action to let speak for itself during the Instant Replay Slow Death; they're trying their damnedest to prevent the network signal from losing any desire to transmit itself about halfway to the satellite and collapsing in despair into the ocean.

When the instant replay official has come to the best decision that will not lower his weekly grade from Uncle Mikey (the same criteria used to initiate the "official review" at the end of each half), he jogs back to the field so the camera can pick up this:

"The ruling on the field stands. Sorry for wasting the last five minutes of your finite existence on that bullshit. First down!"

I usually miss this part; unless it's a game I have a strong rooting interest in, I've changed the channel by now. At the very least, I'm off draining the Super Dragon.

I've never quite understood the desire for "the 'right' call" and for strong accuracy in officiating. In a game that openly acknowledges "a holding call could be made on any play" and "you could call pass interference on either guy there", it's clear officiating cannot approach perfection any time soon.

For the love of Pete, first down measurements are taken by two overweight midgets holding orange maypoles connected by a chain that wouldn't hold your dog in the yard. You wouldn't let them drive you to the airport; why the hell would you trust them with your trifecta wager each Sunday?

To sum up:

I want instant replay to contract cancer from syphilis acquired during an extended stay in prison for illegal rare egg collecting. After dozens of rounds of chemotherapy and radiation treatment that sap its will to live but then rebuilds that will, brick by emotional brick, I want instant replay to hear those magical words: "in remission."

I want instant replay to step out into the bright sunshine of the hospital front entrance and feel flooded with joy and love, as if a higher power is filling instant replay with its light and recharging instant replay's soul.

I want this to happen to instant replay, for this is the moment I want to step behind instant replay and put a bullet through its skull.

What about a new NFL ball?

As a big fan of debacles, I love this idea. Detractors may protest, "Look what a new ball did for the NBA!" Au contraire, jerkfaces. Without talking too much about National Basketball, let me briskly outline the advantages of the new ball:

• It got people talking

Ta-friggin'-da. Hmmm, what does the NFL need? THAT'S RIGHT, DWIGHT! They need to get people talking. I don't know how to talk to my friends about the NFL anymore. In fact, it shames me, what with the steroids....and the.....steroids. What better way to get folk'a chatterin' than totally screwing with the most important thing in the game! No silly, not instant replay, it's the ball!

I propose several dope ass changes. Since I have no background in journalism, let's list them:

- Three words: Polymers and shit. I have extensively studied organic chemistry instead of talking to girls for years now. The singular hallmark of my study is that polymers make things better. Polymers were there when we landed on the moon. Polymers were there when Russia landed on the moon. And polymers will be there when Zaire lands on the moon. If polymers are good enough for the moon, they are for damn sure good enough to be in NFL footballs.

- Goal line situation, 4th and 2, Ron Dayne gets the carry for an apparent touchdown. Did the ball cross the plane, though? Not sure? Why doesn't the NFL add little sensors in the ball that detect a goal line laser? I'll tell you why, they are scared of progress. The sensors necessitate a 5.6% increase in the ball's mass. I figure that's negligible.

- Tired of playing for Seattle and lacking the requisite skills to catch a football? How about we just cover the damn thing in tree sap before every game? We are still working the kinks out on that one, get back with us later in the week, Jerramy.

- Fumble too much, Frank Gore? Fumbles be damned. The NFL will install a string at both ends of the ball, so once it hits the ground, player X can just yo-yo that pesky sucker right back into his tummy. That's so gimmicky, even the XFL is on the phone.

- The NFL has notoriously curbed nearly every perceived defensive advantage regarding physical contact, including stricter scrutiny on holding and carte blanche roughing the passer calls. Should the ball be any different? The next time Brett Favre cocks back for an interception, rusty spikes shall protrude from the ball mid flight. Want a pick, Darren Sharper? Earn it....in blood.

- For kicks, change the color. I vote neon green.

- Put a camera in the ball for all to view the outside world. Envision the lightning fast revolutions as the ball spirals to a receiver. Now think of how much puking NFL fans would do! You'll be feeding the houseplants in no time, which is gross.

- I recently talked to an exec in my fantasy football league and he revealed that the NFL is actually trying to prohibit fair catches. Prohibition should be forceful, in my dumbass opinion. Therefore, if a would be return man dares lift his hand, the ball will activate a rocket that propels the ball to the exact inch adjacent to the goal line. That's right, adjacent. If the aforementioned return man runs under the ball upon completion of its new flightplan, the ball will explode and the game will be a forfeit. Don't defy the new ball, the NFL, or Zaire's space exploration program. You will pay.

I've outlined the ball's pros, ignored its cons, and threatened the common reader wondering "What the hell is this?" All we need to do now is get the new ball in stores.

Bears-Rams: Game Wrap-Up

Looking back at my keen analysis of the Bears' performance during the game, I can safely say I have no fucking idea how well they'll play from hour to hour, much less week to week. However, the Bears can look forward to the following storylines in the morning:

Hey, how about those Bears? That Rex Grossman is pretty damned good! Told you so.

Hey, how about those Bears? Playing well against bad teams and putting off the inevitable quarterback change is just going to screw the Bears in the playoffs. Soon, I'll be saying, "I told you so."

You are welcome to be bored by the status quo above. Instead, remember the heart rate spikes provided by Devin Hester and the soul-separating hits by the Bears defense. For all their faults, the Bears will be awfully exciting to watch this January. See you all there.

(Except you, St. Louis. Ciao.)

Bears-Rams: Fourth Quarter Action

Another pounding series of runs; another touchdown. The Raiders ought to inquire about the availability of Joe Fan to be offensive coordinator next weekend. (Take the job, Joe Fan; the Raiders are playing the Rams.) Anyone with an early morning tomorrow is dismissed with the blog's thanks. 35-13 Bears.

Update #1: The Bears are beaten again on another long drive, but to what extent? What does it *mean*, dammit?

I don't know; I didn't bet the points. 35-20 Bears.

Update #2: When you watch Devin Hester's second TD of the night tomorrow morning, watch how casually he begins his run. It's fait accompli. He just knows and, as we watch, we just know. Those first two steps looked like my first dozen or so in the gym each morning. He trudged, I swear it. Then the third step hits and his hips shimmy to life and you just *know* you're scoring tonight and it's only a matter of time.

I need a moment. 42-20 Bears.

Update #3: The Bears defense is already standing in the security line at Lambert. 42-27 Bears.

Bears-Rams: Third Quarter Action

The Bears do their best imitation of the Rams offense, biting off chewable portions and jamming the ball into the end zone via Thomas Jones. 21-13 Bears.

Why Joe Fan Thinks He Can Run a Professional Football Offense, Reason #49823749:

Tony: "Joe, what did the Bears change at halftime? What did they adjust?"
Joe: "'We're giving the ball to Thomas.'"
Tony: "That's it? It's as simple as that?"
Joe Fan: "Yer goddamned right. I've been sayin' that for weeks. *scratch* *fart*"

Update #1: That was the hardest damned throw I've seen on a screen pass since early Favre. I hate myself for thinking it.

Update #2: Don't be shocked it's a Chicago crowd, Tony; none of the coverage remotely implies you know you're in St. Louis. Also, Muhsin Muhammad has my favorite crossover move of any Chicago athlete at the moment. 28-13 Bears.

Update #3: Bears fans, repeat after me: The Rams are the 26th best pass defense and the 29th best run defense, according to DVOA.

Bears-Rams: Second Quarter Action

After a quarter, it appears nothing has changed for the Bears. They're crushing the running game and the trained viewer can taste the first Rams turnover. Grossman is wild and uncertain, questioning every move he makes.

The Rams put together an impressive drive in both results and method. It was unrelenting without being overwhelming; it was the waterboarding of offensive football.

Naturally, the Rams muff the extra point to avoid appearing fully competent. It's 6-0 Rams.

Before I can even notify you of the yeoman's work by the Rams, Devin Hester throws the Bears on his broad, supple shoulders and carries the team out of the fire. I've always had the sense that special teams touchdowns were more chance than skill, but he's rolling hard sevens quite a bit this season, bless his soul. 7-6 Bears.

Update #1: I'd like a mulligan on my opening paragraph, please. The Rams are persistently scraping a few yards here and there, making the Bears defense look bad in aggregate if not in highlight. Stephen Jackson is far too big to be that fast, but there he goes yet again. 14-6 Rams.

The Bears are Mike Tyson, hopeless without the quick knockout; the Rams are now Julio César Chávez, fighting well above their weight.

Update #2:
Tony: "So you're a Bears fan. How's that goin' for you?"
Jim: "My life is a lie."
Joe: "heh heh. You're a funny guy."
Mike: "So what's happening this year on the wildly popular 'According to Jim'?"
Jim: "I want to die, but I'm too chickenshit to swallow a handgun."
Tony: "Would you leave Rex Grossman in? huh? Take a stand, Belushi."
Jim: "Please push me out of the booth."
Joe: "heh heh. Funny guy."
Tony: "Super Bowl? What do you think?"
Jim: "Oh God, it hurts so much."

Update #3: Theesman makes a cogent analysis of the touchdown pass from Grossman to Berrian, pointing out that the Grossman of previous weeks would have held the ball a moment or two longer and muffed the play. I believe Theesman is correct, though I'd be wary to declare the patient cured. Thank you for doing your job, though, Joe. Keep up the good work. 14-13 Bears.

Update #4: Theesman then makes a clean call on the Bulger sack, making it clear it's not a "coverage sack" but a quarterback that needs to let slip the dogs of war a wee bit earlier. He manages to do all this in the few seconds before the next play.

Dear Tripod Flashlight Aliens,

You can keep the old Theesman.

Thanks,
Tuffy

Update #5: Hey, look! Grossman turns it over!

No one will be seated during the thrilling instant replay review. Jab my eyes out with a Buick.

Update #6: The last update never happened. Until it happens again.

Update #7: The teams lurch back and forth in a pitiable imitation of a two-minute offense, dragging out the game to a painful crawl. The score remains 14-13 Bears and I will see you all on the other side of a peanut butter and banana sammich.