Bears-Buccaneers Preview

First, I'd like to thank all of you for this kind honor. While I find the work rewarding unto itself, it's certainly wonderful to be recognized. (And to Kissing Suzy Kolber: In. Your. FACE.)

As your newly-selected spokesperson for the planet, I want you to know I take this responsibility gravely and will do my level best to continue supporting your needs. I am here for you, little people. Now please stand and be chosen to hear the Word; it's not necessary to genuflect constantly. Occasionally is quite sufficient.

First, I choose you, Bruce Gradkowski. You will be facing the Chicago Bears defense today. You will probably be far too busy this evening finding reasons to keep living to remember you have a status report to file when you get back in the office Monday. To assist you, I have written your status report for you before the game starts; you can file this before game time and have nothing to worry about but the game at hand.



Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club
One Buccaneer Place
Tampa, FL 33607

To: P. Hackett
Cc: Jo. Gruden

Quarterback Self-Review - Week 15

I. Executive Summary
My performance against the Chicago Bears in Week 15 showed both promise and improvement despite unexpected setbacks that were both impossible to predict and unavoidable. This type of steady progress reflects my hard work and personal drive to represent the Buccaneers organization proudly.

II. Project Description
i. Preparation
To prepare to face the best pass defense and overall defense in the National Football League this year, I worked with the Film Department and the Quarterbacks Coach to analyze the opposition. As you know, I have had well-documented issues differentiating between those players with the Buccaneers organization and those who compete against us. I am pleased to report I had no such issues during film study this week; I could even tell the players apart at half-speed, no longer seeing them all as blurs. I must also report that my choking sobs and panic attacks have returned, though the quality of the opposition should be considered.

Also, I participated with the first team offense again during practice. Most of the offensive line has learned my name and stopped referring to me as 'Ground Chuck'. Anthony Davis continues to refer to me as 'Ground Bruce', but the others have remembered that I do not respond well to that name.

ii. Execution
The game did not go quite as planned, despite copious preparation. We discovered the Bears defense functioned adequately despite the loss of many starters. My congenital disorder that causes me to soil myself when chased by very large men did affect me again twice in the first quarter, for which I have submitted restitution forms to cover the cost of cleaning and hazardous waste removal.

Also, I continue to improve on working under full-speed game conditions. I only curled into the fetal position three times in the first half, a new personal record and a tribute to the strength and conditioning staff's recommendation to stop working the abdominal region as much. (I believe the assistant said it best: "You can stop trying now." It really helped me focus on the other aspects of my position.)

Despite reports to the contrary, the fumble at 6:47 in the second quarter did not occur because I squealed, flipped the ball to a defensive lineman, and yelled, "Not in the face!" None of these actions occurred; I am insulted that Fox Sports would find it amusing to overdub this scurrilous lie during the halftime score review.

It should also be noted that 31 of the 37 passes not caught by members of the Receiving Department were considered 'drops' by this group and should be referred to Receiving for explanation. (The other six were successfully caught by Bears defenders, showing my improvement on spirals.)

Finally, I now understand that the Victory formation should only be called when we are winning. Also, it should never be called in the third quarter on three consecutive plays. This was a simple miscommunication and not cowardice, as implied by Tony Siragusa during the television broadcast.

III. Steps for Improvement
I will continue to focus on learning the playbook, facing the correct direction, and throwing the football to members of the Receiving Department on the fly. Also, I will look into the recommendation of many Buccaneers fans that I pursue a real estate license in the off-season; I assume this will help me locate members of the Receiving Department more easily.

I look forward to receiving your reviews and serving the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club again next week.

Sincerely,
Bruce Gradkowski
Senior Quarterback Engineer - Quarterbacks Department
Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club