Vikings-Bears: Game Wrap-Up

Bears 23 - Vikings 13

While the Bears' offense sucked chilly wind and the special teams members displayed a respectable bit of schizophrenia, the Chicago Bears defense quietly gathered the materials for a woodshed and constructed it in the far end zone. In the second half, the Bears defense grabbed the Vikings by their ridiculous horns and dragged them behind their new woodshed (sponsored by Home Depot) to show the Vikings around.

After Vikings turnovers allowed two Bears touchdowns (one by the defense), Brooks Bollinger was broken out of cold storage (HA!) to replace the desiccated four-interception corpse of Brad Johnson, apparently being stored in the meat locker addition of the Chicago Bears Home Depot Woodshed. Brooks then supervised the safety given up to the Bears, ending any strong hope for the Vikings despite some nice work by Bollinger late.

Dan Barreiro and the rest of the Twin Cities sports media had been touching themselves absent-mindedly since the third quarter benching of Brad Johnson and moderate success of Bollinger as the one of the Generally Accepted Storyline (GAS) canards had been resurrected: Quarterback Controversy! However, a particularly vicious sack by Adewale Ogunleye appeared to jam Bollinger's left shoulder into his colon, forcing Tarvaris Jackson to come out of the '70s to finish.

The Bears, on the other hand, will continue to train Rex Grossman to stand on his back foot when he throws and the special teams unit to attempt completing each play without swallowing their tongues. Congratulations to the Bears on winning the NFC North. It may be a dubious distinction this year, but it is still an accomplishment worth noting.

This game was announced by Loose-Moose-Goose, who were apoplectic about the numerous bad decisions made by nearly every player in this game. At one point, the normally-eloquent Daryl Johnson started to rant about a punt returner's indecision and could only finish with a growl that Lou Ferrigno would be proud of. In total, ten turnovers coated this game in a fine sheen of excrement.

(A quick note of thanks to the NFL officials that work in freezing conditions and are forced to call dead-ball penalties time after time when they'd just rather be at home with a cup of cocoa.)

Vikings-Bears: First-half update

Bears 7 - 3 Vikings

However, the score could more eloquently be put “Bears fuck, Vikings shit.” According to my statistician's marks, there have been 847 turnovers, 312 plays for loss, and 608 missed receivers. (All numbers are approximate; I fear he has taken extra medication to deal with watching the first half.) This game only confirms the Generally Accepted Storylines (GAS) that the NFC has nothing much to offer and that there is little to enjoy about that fact.

Rex Grossman continues to be the lead story; he misses reads and forces throws from his back foot just as in previous weeks. (His checklist to improve is so simple that the Chicago Tribune has sussed it out.) The Bears have also coughed up the ball twice on special teams as well as scored the only touchdown via Devin Hester's mea culpa punt return.

The Vikings, of course, have been just as embarrassing. If you're not yet aware that the thousand-yard rushing mark has been completely devalued, Chester Taylor passed that line in the first half. Brad Johnson has missed the target so often that his wife makes him urinate in the back yard.

It appears for all the world that neither team wants to be out in the cold today. If you have an option and no rooting interest, reward solid craftsmanship and quiet confidence by tuning into another game. If you are cheering for purple or navy blue, chug until the second-half kickoff to help the gentle blackout come and carry you to the end.