Dolphins - Colts

Indianapolis. Scene of a game without meaning or import. My Snidey Sense tells me this will be a 400 yd passing performance for Manning, but I'd much rather see both teams treat this as an exhibition game if I were a fan of either. As a fan of Ben Affleck-level lucky scoring, first team to 100 wins.

First Quarter:
MIA 3 IND 7

Perception becomes reality: Phil Simms claims the Colts are trying for more first downs this year and not so many high-risk plays because...uhm, I think he said it was important because scoring is important. I'd hate for my car to die at his initial observation and be forced to walk through the verbal shitstorm to the gas station in Obvious, NY, where his final point lies.

On the other hand, What I Love About Week 17's Meaningless Games continues: an Indy offensive lineman lines up at tight end and waddles in for a touchdown. That's the kind of exhibition game work I like to see. Mess with next week's opponent a bit and keep other players off the field and away from injury.

An earlier Miami field goal finishes the explanation of the first quarter of play.

Halftime:
MIA 6 IND 17

A number of impressive long drives from both teams peter out a bit short each time. Do coaches feel good about these kinds of drives, knowing that it's just one or two more successful steps to consistent scoring? Do they worry that a lack of clutchness pervades their team's very soul?

Peyton Manning sprints 15 yards for the touchdown, moving for all the world like Michael Vick's great-great-grandfather. (You know, dead.) It was inspiring for couch potatoes everywhere. Keep it up, 6'5".

Cleo Lemon throws his first lemon with a few seconds left, leaving Indianapolis time for a last moment field goal. When I come back, I want to be a field goal kicker in a dome.

An earlier Miami field goal finishes the explanation of the second quarter of play as well.

I don't get the impression anyone is phoning it on, but how does one tell from a small television image? It's something I'd like to assume less and definitely ask announcers and talk radio to assume less.

Mea culpa: I hadn't realized a Ravens loss coupled with an Indy win gives the Colts a bye week. I'd like to see Indianapolis play in the RCA Dome in the playoffs, so I now have a rooting cause that doesn't have anything to do with the plethora of puns for Cleo Lemon.

Third quarter:
MIA 12 IND 20

Hey, a Miami field goal!

Cleo Lemon has been limited by Saban to situations where he can't fuck up and, for the most part, he has not fucked up. He has also not done anything singularly impressive.

More long drives; more coitus interruptus. This time, the Colts kick a field goal. It makes for a languid game with the occasional interruption from a loved one to move the car or provide sexual release. If I hadn't already consumed enough sugar to cause a 4 year old's head to explode as if it had been scanned, I would be napping now.

Hey, how did Bob Whitfield's agent get him that Honda Pilot commercial? He plays a great troll.

It's 9-7 Baltimore in the third; my rooting interest in Indy grows. I despise the clawing, grabbing, and grappling Baltimore style. It plays poorly on television and makes for ugly close games. It's great for less talented teams, but it makes for uninteresting football.

Hey, a Miami field goal!

OH SWEET JESUS ABOVE AND BELOW PLEASE STOP SHOWING ME DAVID SPADE SHIMMYING IN A SILVER HIPSTER SHIRT OH GOD IT BURNS WHEN I POUR THE BLEACH IN BUT IT CLEANSES THE EYES

Fourth quarter:
MIA 22 IND 27

Baltimore goes up 16-7 in the fourth on J.P. Losman's massive vagina.

Cialis lets me get a boner for 36 hours, just in case a lot of small children gather around my Boomer crotch just as I was about to mount Grandma? Thanks, science! Do you have a pill for the bulimia I'm developing?

Hey, a...seriously, does Nick Saban have Mare on his fantasy team...Miami field goal!

Manning to Harrison. Really, it doesn't sound like much to the uninitiated, but it's still great to watch. I hope there's a few more years in those receding hairlines.

19-7 BAL with 4 minutes left. Someone please call Tony Dungy and let him know this is the last drive for Manning this calendar year.

But no...even with that game and playoff positioning final, Miami's touchdown after a turnover (congrats, Cleo) causes the slimy competitive juices to boil up in Tony Dungy and Manning presses on to protect the lead. There's a slim chance a playoff game might be hosted in Indy some day because of this, but I'm not convinced this is the proper risk-reward calculation.

Cleo Lemon sputters and apparently isn't ready quite yet to lead that final drive. Again, he was not awful, but he did not show the ability to provide a game-changing play all game. Best of luck to him; we need more colorful names and players each Sunday.

Neither team hurts themselves this afternoon. Miami gets valuable data for the offseason and a better draft pick; Indianapolis gets slightly better playoff position, another home playoff date to pad the coffers, and no major injuries for the playoff run. Group hugs!