Week 17 - Early Games

CBS has already broken out the Sooze-approved NFL Films Favre miked-up bits. "Hey, I thought you hit harder than that, Viking defensive end! I am teh tough-z0rz." My gag reflex will relax with booze. That's how I worked my way through college.

PIT-CIN: Pittsburgh did the ol' kickoff huddle-up on reception, gathering on the 10 to hide who had the ball. This worked brilliantly if you're a retiring coach that doesn't give a shit if it gets you pinned at the 14.

DET-DAL: Kitna's first pass is intercepted by Roy Williams for a touchdown. (I look forward to hot Roy Williams-on-Roy Williams action today.) A bad-touch penalty brings it back; it's a questionable call. I'm a huge proponent of erring to this side of caution, but I hope the NFL takes a sliver of their huge profits and invests in finding the best equipment and training techniques to make these types of calls irrelevant in 10-15 years.

PIT-CIN: Cincinnati is called for 12 men on the field. Playoff focus!

DET-DAL: Jason Hanson nails another field goal and can we talk for a moment about the quietly solid Jason Hanson? He's missed six extra point attempts in 15 years. He is better than 80% for his career on field goals with impressive deep range. His kickoffs are always deep. Admittedly, he works in a dome 60-70% of the time, but he's just done the job forever. I enjoy the flashy play as much as the other man in jail for public indecency, but it's also rather cool to see the yeoman's effort succeed over time. (Also, Jason Hanson looks like he prepared my taxes last year.)

DET-DAL: Jon Kitna has thrown more passes in a single season than any other Lions passer. Ever. He's taken every snap for the Lions this year. Every. What's the Lions' record? Really? Two wins? That's shocking. You'd think the Lions were playing from behind every game.

DET-DAL: Roy Williams drops another possible interception. The Lions cash in on their good luck with...a field goal. Wake the kids!

PIT-CIN: Bengals intercept Ben on a thrown punt. That has to be the reason he threw that pass. Either that or someone whispered in the concussed QB's ear, "Let's play 500. You throw first."

NYJ-OAK: 7-0 Jets. The Bengals' collective sphincter tightens a bit. (Remember, we're too good for Bengals prison jokes here.)

PIT-CIN: A Steeler penalty invokes The Chin's wrath writ small; a small child can revel in the simple lip-reading required to learn "fucking dumb; fucking dumb."

DET-DAL: Another long punt return by the Lions is improved upon by a penalty of the touchy-feely variety. I need to find at least one special teams coach to explain this to me in the offseason: why the fuck is it so hard to avoid special teams penalties? Is it just perception because special teams is such a different vibe?

DET-DAL: Dallas appears to have checked out sometime just after the opening kickoff. They're letting Jon F. Kitna work them over like Gary Crosby. A fab TD catch by Roy Williams the Bluebeard helps sell the idea that the Cowboys are thinking about how to divvy up their playoff tickets.

First quarter wrap-up:
DET 13 DAL 0
PIT 0 CIN 0
NYJ 7 OAK 0

PIT-CIN: Willie Parker gets his cup massaged a lot by announcers; I don't remember watching any game he participated in this year without hearing about his orphan-saving or his loaf duplication method. However, Football Outsiders ranks him around 15th. Am I missing something? Is there potential here I don't have an eye for? I'm open to explanations.

PIT-CIN: Not coincidentally, Willie Parker scores the first points of the game on a short TD run to end a very impressive 15 play, 90 yard drive. It's this kind of head-down consistent work that the typical Pittsburgh fan identifies with. PIT 7 CIN 0.

What is the Department of Homeland Security's action plan for a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot mutiny? I seriously doubt putting a pick-up truck in their way will work for long; they adapt too quickly.

DET-DAL: Marion Barber III continues to electrify fantasy football rosters (with 17 week seasons) with his 320948903284th touchdown of the season on an equal number of carries. Also, Dallas may not be fully-involved, but the CBS cameraman is in post-season form, getting his lens deep in the cleavage of each Cowboy cheerleader. DET 13 DAL 7.

PIT-CIN: The Steelers defense is beating up the Bengals' offense, taking their lunches, and snickersnagging on them. It's a thorough domination, one that accounts for every detail down to the place settings for the Thorough Domination Celebration Dinner.

DET-DAL: Kitna is finally punished for his impertinence, coughing up an interception that is not called back for Bad Touch. It's the type of gunslinger throw we can look forward to tonight.

PIT-CIN: Strike what I said about snagging the snickers. The Bengals have adjusted, hitting short patterns to the sideline and underneath. They're marching down the field with confidence.

DET-DAL: One long drive later and it appears the Cowboys don't need to show up to succeed against the Lions. Brady Quinn should call Bloomfield Hills real estate agents now to beat the rush. DET 13 DAL 14.

PIT-CIN: Two straight false start penalties for the Bengals after starting 1st and goal; playoff focus! A field goal is the cousin-kissing conclusion to the half.

DET-DAL: Leave it to me to be an ass about this, but I think the Lions should have left the punter at home this week. It's good practice to go for every fou....fumbled punt by Dallas gives the Lions the ball around the 35. Hey, how about this weather we're experiencing?

OAK-NYJ: OAK 3 NYJ 10. Marvin Lewis' supply of anti-anxiety medication must be running low.

DET-DAL: Roy Williams the Bluebeard sucks in another touchdown pass as the half ends to help ruin the Lions' chance of getting the #1 pick. Brady Quinn demands to stay in Charlie Weis' warm, jiggly embrace forever.

Halftime wrap-up:
DET 20 DAL 14
PIT 7 CIN 3
OAK 3 NYJ 10

DET-DAL: Week 17 mindfucks, baby! The exotic beauty known as the fleaflicker steps up to the bar and gives the Cowboys the ball inside the 10...and then Romo holds the ball on the next play for about 4 days, allowing Detroit to strip the ball and get it back, only to go three-and-out and punt the ball to the Cowboys...for a punt return touchdown. Warm slop only a pig could love. (Speaking of Redskins fans...) DET 20 DAL 21.

DET-DAL: It could be a case of Stockholm Syndrome, but the holiday scarf on the Fox robot is kinda cute. Puckish, perhaps. Who does his body armor?

PIT-CIN: It's raining in Cincinnati. This is the only noticeable action halfway through the third quarter.

DET-DAL: Bill Parcells is challenging something, but I had the sound down; I assume he's challenging the need to finish this game.

OAK-NYJ: 20-3 Jets. Marvin Lewis is doing whippets on the sideline.

DET-DAL: Field goal from The Taxman. I assume only the truly degenerate gambler works Week 17.

PIT-CIN: In a fit of pique caused by another decent Davenport run, the lead announcer shouts, "It doesn't matter who runs the ball for Pittsburgh!" Insert stage direction to put finger to nose here.

PIT-CIN: Here's why we watch Week 17 when nothing is on the line: there's nothing like a rookie offensive lineman getting called for taunting. Bill Cowher's chin bounced off the third row of seats and he ran back to the sideline to find someone to replace him so the screaming could begin in earnest. The offending lineman, Willie Colon, may have tried to feign death to avoid coming off the field at the end of the quarter.

DET-DAL: Detroit scores again. Jesus, Matt...when Al Davis outmaneuvers you for the #1 pick, you might consider running a rubber pipe from the car exhaust.

Third-quarter wrap-up:
DET 30 DAL 21
PIT 7 CIN 3
OAK 3 NYJ 20

PIT-CIN: 99 yard touchdown drive by the Steelers is interrupted one yard short by a Willie Parker fumble. Marvin Lewis has commandeered a oxygen mask and is demanding that you do not look at him. Never look at him!

PIT-CIN: False start, 71, Cincinnati. Playoff focus!

PIT-CIN: Chris Henry runs like the cast of Armed and Famous is chasing him. He scores on a 66 yard touchdown pass that is pretty much all him. Marvin Lewis calls Betty Ford for detox advice and to mourn the recent dead...

OAK-NYJ: ...23-3 Jets.

DET-DAL: Dallas scores 3 points; I assume this was done with half of a touchdown. I'm finding it hard to watch a Lions game from beginning to end, especially with...

PIT-CIN: ...Willie Parker remembering to hold the ball all the way to the end zone this time. He just never makes a mistake, does he? PIT 14 CIN 10.

PIT-CIN: Carson Palmer is hurt. He's moving his legs, but he's not getting up. James Farrior lifted up Palmer and drove him into the ground as if he were building a fence. Anthony Wright is warming up. Marvin Lewis is mainlining electricity and listing ways to kill Pittsburgh players without being caught.

DET-DAL: At the same time, Lions offensive tackle Jonathan Scott is carted off the field, giving the thumbs-up so his mom doesn't worry.

PIT-CIN: Palmer's back on the field after the next play, but he's certainly not 'okay', despite the shorthand used by the announcers. No one's 'okay' after a play like that. He's hanging in there...

PIT-CIN: ...long enough to give those fans at the stadium without access to the Oakland game score hope (PIT 14 CIN 17)...

OAK-NYJ: ...23-3 Jets (F). Marvin Lewis wants to date Courtney Love. Or a San Francisco win over Denver and Kansas City to hold their lead over Jacksonville.

JAC-KC: 35-30 Kansas City, 4 minutes left.

PIT-CIN: Pittsburgh ties it up on a field goal. Cincinnati has a chance to get in position for a field goal with less than a minute remaining...and their field goal kicker asks for his lip balm. Marvin Lewis eats the lip balm.

PIT-CIN: I hope that lip balm comes in Choke flavor. A 39 yard field goal misses wide right and we'll have overtime...

PIT-CIN: ...for about a minute and a half. Pittsburgh scores on a very long pass-and-run. Marvin Lewis is last seen with a copy of "Self-Immolation for Dummies" under his arm.

Final wrap-up:
DET 39 DAL 31
PIT 23 CIN 17 (OT)
OAK 3 NYJ 23
KC 35 JAC 30