Panthers-Eagles: Second Quarter Action

Panthers 7 - Eagles 0

It's an inauspicious start for the Eagles. Jeff Garcia has connected as often with his receivers as he has with his hair stylist. (Remember...1.3 joke difficulty. No Mike Piazza rumors tonight.) Delhomme's 'quarterback controversy' seems awfully forced at this point.

I fully expect to see Sly this quarter, so please prepare your barf bargs if you own a high-definition television. This may be worse than Joy Behar in HD.

Update 1: Who is a more convincing boxer?




Update 2: Stallworth makes an incredible catch, causing the Panthers to take a time out to suck any dramatic tension out of the first verb-like item in 45 minutes.

Update 3: 7-7 on a quick Westbrook TD. Both teams continue to keep the score low and hope to get lucky. Couldn't we just show New Jersey Devils clips from the 90s? Dump...and chase. Dump...and chase. Back...and to the left. Back...and to the left.

Would someone please explain to the Threnidions that you can't just flood a GD-47 Flapfligger and hope it will restart? You've got to drain the diptherium and let it cool down before you try to fire 'er up. Dragnor help them if they corrode the Capthet relays. No tripod flashlight will help at that point.

Brian Dawkins is an undiagnosed epileptic or the most constipated man ever.

Update 4: I had planned on putting my television in dry cask storage for halftime to protect against hearing Berman, but Chuck D canonizing Ali might be worth the risk of sticking around. Maybe. If Sooze is doing the third quarter, you'll know I sacrificed all to find out.

Remember, you heard it first at NFL Hits: Steve Smith == good. If it wasn't for Mr. Smith, this game might encourage Stallone to buy the rights to Awakenings II.

....and an Eagles player lies on the turf after the exciting play to suck the marrow from my bones again. Sweet Jesus on a flaming stick, I'd like a narrative flow that wasn't constructed by a narcoleptic.

Update 5: I am trying to limit my updates per quarter, but I believe this quarter started in August.

Of 1612.

Keyshawn Johnson has weeknight visitation rights to his cojones. It's nice he was able to work something out without involving the lawyers. A patented Johnson snatch makes it 14-7 Panthers.

The first half ends mercifully with 12398410923480 punts recorded. My right leg hurts from watching, though I also might have tensed up a bit too quickly when I saw Stallone's girl toy.

See you after the half; the Tex Avery-wannabe highlight reel makes me omnidirectionally homicidal and I'm trying to stay focused.