The NFC's 6-6 quagmire is the damndest thing

"Losers, all of them"

And it begins. The NFC playoff picture is about as clear as this photo of former Heisman Trophy winner Chris Weinke, who incidentally has had that same hairline since he was six. Weinke will man the 6-6 Panthers as they host the 6-6 Giants in a colossal epic of mediocre proportions. The Giants have QB problems of their own: one can plainly see Eli Manning is frustrated with each "dad gummit," "carn sarnit" and "shit" he utters. Plus, Jared Lorenzen beats everyone to the post game spread. That's frustrating, NFL players need their cheese logs. Don't worry though, Tom Coughlin was brought in to fix things.....two years ago.

An inkling has me leaning toward a Giants' victory in this one. If I may point out the reason why:

(Hint: The picture)

Thank you

Meanwhile, fulfilling the NFL's lifelong promise to shove parody down your throat, enter the 6-6 Falcons and Eagles. Two teams that were in the conference title game two years ago are in no shape to do the same this year. Both teams are rampant with injuries. Nonetheless, they have maintained and remain in contention. So how does one sort through this 6-6 quandary, ultimately choosing two teams to make the playoffs?

No one cares.

Fact is, there are three perfectly decent 8-4 teams (New Orleans, Dallas, Seattle) chomping at the bit to grind said losers to a fine pulp. However, this is an NFL blog and I'm plum out of ideas within the first week, leaving me no choice but to make the picks. Here goes nothing:

Carolina Panthers- Wow, way to discover the running game....thirteen weeks into the season. The QB problems are well-documented, and hurt this team as much as anything, but there is more to worry about. Corner play has been shaky lately with Richard Marshall in the lineup, as evidenced by the pounding Jeff Garcia put on their asses. Poor choice of words? DE Julius Peppers has only three sacks in the last five games, after starting with eight in the first six. Although the pressure is still there, it must get better for the Panthers to make a playoff push.

I don't think they make it. Games at Atlanta, against NYG, and at New Orleans are too much for a team at flux with their QB situation and with a considerably inconsistent offense.

Update #None: Is that the proper way to use the word "flux"? Sorry, at my school all dictionaries were burned. It's the South.

New York Giants- Don't make it.

This one's simple. The New York Giants just want the nightmare to end. Tiki wants to do the Morning Latte. Brandon Jacobs wants to start. Amani Toomer wants to...not be injured? Jeremy Shockey wants to fascinate you. Eli Manning wants to advertise for your company. Tom Coughlin wants to grind his teeth until he's "Ole Gummy Tom." Plaxico Burress wants to quit.

All I've been taught is that quitters never win. That's why I'm never quitting Oxycontin and vodka. You take me for a loser?

Philadelphia Eagles- Make it. Why? Process of Elimination.

I will take to the grave my firm belief that Brian Westbrook makes this team click even more so than McNabb. He is one of the game's biggest threats, along with steroids. Haha, zing!

Their schedule is debatable as far as difficulty. They certainly control their own destiny with games against the Giants and Falcons. I'm starting to rethink this but it's currently 3:30 AM and I'm running on fumes....of joy.

Atlanta Falcons- This is why I laugh when former players say there should be more teams allotted for the postseason. How many 8-8 teams do we have to stomach before this no longer becomes an issue?

Atlanta is in because they will be getting healthier as the season goes along. Plus, Michael Vick appears to have finished his meltdown and is ready to throw to his tepid receivers once again. Maybe we can even overlook the fact that he is a coach killer. See that, linked to my own blog. I'm awesome.

In summary, the Panthers finish 7-9, losing to NYG, ATL, and NO. The Giants finish 8-8, defeating Carolina and Washington and losing to Philly and NO. Philly finishes 8-8, beating Washington and New York while losing to Dallas and Atlanta. Atlanta ends at the best record of 9-7, losing only to Dallas.

The tiebreaker makes me nauseous. Under my convoluted scenario, Philly and NY would have the same division record, which is the default tiebreaker if teams split head-to-head. Then it's common opponents, which will also be tied. Then it's the win-loss in conference games. TIED AGAIN. Finally, it's strength of schedule. Oh great, Giants have a higher strength of schedule. IT'S ALL RUINED.