My interview with Denver's O-line

For years, or maybe centuries, the Denver Bronco offensively line has ignored the media. In their silence, they speak volumes about what it means to play as the consummate unit, or something. I think it's cheesy; no reporter is clamoring to talk to the offensive line. Those guys are quirky.

Thanks to an unknown source that doesn't exist, NFL Hits scored an interview with the entire offensive line of the 2006 Denver Broncos of the National Football League of sports. Without further adieu, we give you Cooper Carlisle, George Foster, Ben Hamilton, Chris Kuper, Adam Meadows, Chris Myers, Tom Nalen and Erik Pears. Chris Kuper, Adam Meadows, Chris Myers, and Erik Pears couldn't be reached for comment.

NFL Hits: Welcome, fellas, how's the 2006 treating you.

Cooper Carlisle: Not well, not well at all. We've been inconsistent in the run, terrible in the pass, and 7-6 pleases no one.

George Foster: We suck a little, that's why this whole media thing is great. All the skill position players get the spotlight, and consequently the blame. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the corner acting like I know what the hell sudoku is.

NFL Hits: So is that the reason for keeping mum?

Ben Hamilton: Partly. We are basically holding out, like that pact on Seinfeld, and the first person that talks to the media has to play an entire game with an open tube of icy hot in their jock.

NFL Hits: I see.

Tom Nalen: I also appreciate the luxury of not answering questions about our supposed dirty play.

NFL Hits: Let's get to that. George, in 2004, you ended Bengals DT Tony Williams' season when your crackback block broke and dislocated his ankle. Of course, he wasn't looking. Any regrets about that?

GF: No. I said there were back then to alleviate tensions, but I'm not going to apologize now for the kind of player that I am. All teams do that, we just do it better.

TN: Yeah, much, much better. In fact, I'm writing a book about it. No book tour, though....media.

BH: One of the best things about it is taking on the Jason Taylors of the world, the bigger guys, that means more leg. I love me some legs that don't quit-

TN: Dude, what are you talking about?

BH: Jason Taylor's legs, what!?

TN: Do you understand yet why we don't talk to the media?

NFL Hits: I'm starting to. What about players, in and out of the league, talking about your dirty-

TN: SUPPOSED!

NFL Hits: Dirty play. Brian Cox has called you cowards, and Igor Olshansky recently called you wussies, incapable of running power plays that require smashmouth blocking. What is your response to that?

GF: Whatever, just wait until next time, we'll cut block him so hard his kids will need crutch-

TN: Uh, I think what he's trying to say is...I'm not sure. But, I don't apologize for what I did. It was a kneel down, and Igor made the slightest flinch. I thought he was going to rough up Jake, so I did my best to destroy his tibia. Fair trade, if you ask me, which you did.

BH: I would like to ask his parents if Igor is depressed.

CC: Is that a Winnie the Pooh reference? Why are you here?

BH: I missed the bus.

NFL Hits: Alex Gibbs, the line coach in Atlanta, is now spreading the techniques that you all have made so famous here. Are the aspects of line play he preached the primary reason Denver can just plug in any runningback and excel?

CC: Of course. I mean, Olandis Gary? We made that guy Robert Smith for a year, now he is selling real estate. Or crack, I forget which one.

GF: That's real nice, ass. But the truth is, you could plug Larry Flynt in our backfield and he'd probably average three yards a carry. After all, we were there when Ron Dayne got his career long. Don't tell me Ron Dayne had anything to do with it. That guy eats babies.

TN: Understand this. If we had Jim Brown in our backfield, he would have rushed for twelve miles. Only problem was the pass blocking we had to do for Elway, that selfish bastard. That's why I love Jake, no way in hell we pass too much. Now Jay is in and it's back to business with the stupid pass. I HATE FOOTBALL! But seriously, do you understand why we don't talk to the media?

NFL Hits: Most certainly, it's clear as day. One more question: You know Mark Schlereth, right? What trumps what: Your hatred of all media figures, or an ex-lineman turned scab. Do you catch up on memories gone by, or do you spit in his face?

CC: Spit

BH: Who is Mark Schle....sherleth....sherthlet....scerthelt?

TN: As the only one that really knows him, I felt betrayed when he joined the media. I told him, "You do this, and you have lost a friend, sir." Then he said, "My friend is this sweet paycheck for reading off a monitor, blow my gums, suckas." Then he walked off, and we haven't spoken since. No matter, though, I've set up a "Harold Reynolds" down at Bristol that could have Mister Schlereth on the unemployment line very soon.

NFL Hits: Seems harsh.

TN: I'll tell you what's harsh, seeing your brethren suckle the teet of the other side, that's what's harsh. It's like having your daughter date the punk down the street, sure he's cute, but we had something going, too. You just gonna throw that all away for some cheap thrills, Mark. Why Mark, why?

GF: Tom kind of equates this to Benidict Arnold.

TN: *Whimper*, turn the cameras off.

NFL Hits: That's okay. We're done here. I want to thank you-HEY, GET OFF MY LEGS.

BH: Sorry, couldn't help myself.