Bears-Buccaneers

First Quarter
Bears 7 - Buccaneers 0

Tampa Bay's film study must have been compiled by this man, for they've let the Bears march down the field using the run game and hitting the tight ends and running backs for short passes. Rex Grossman hasn't really thrown the ball deep yet. They're also kicking to Devin Hester instead of flinging the ball to the sidelines and begging for mercy.

Also, it appears someone didn't read his self-review; the Buccaneers offense is slightly more conservative than Justice Souter at the moment. Due to the technological advances that modern sports coverage has brought us in the last 20 years, you can actually hear Gradkowski's sphincter clench before each snap.

Thankfully, the Bears are able to slip an instant replay challenge in before the quarter ends.

Second Quarter
Bears 21 - Buccaneers 3

Rex Grossman is back to floating long passes out, hoping for a pass interference call or divine intervention. A fairly amusing special teams penalty against the Bears (hint: the boundary stripe is not a takeoff strip for the flyer) sets the Buccaneers up for business at the 26 yard line, but the Bucs offense comes alive to the tune of -1 yards. Tim Rattay starts warming up. At least Bruce will have time to update his report. (Oh, and his résumé.)

The Buccaneers kick it off to the 35 to specifically avoid Hester but don't tackle the Bears' special team member until the 45. They might be better off kicking it out of bounds. The Bears follow the same intricate battle plan (run, run, Desmond Clark, run) to best effect, letting Thomas Jones finish 'er off. Jones then tosses it in the stands to a man in his late 20s wearing the execrable orange Bears shirt that has become popular in these parts. This fan's celebration of the gift is positively magical.

Tim Rattay is in. Gradkowski didn't turn the ball over, mostly because he averaged 8 yards per completed pass, which he did less than half the time. It's possible that clenching sound I heard in the first quarter was Jon Gruden's jaw.

Near the end of the half, Daryl Johnston compares Rex Grossman to a Longfellow poem:

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

Fox throws to commercial to prevent the Earth's axis from being altered by a football analyst reciting poetry from memory.

The Bears tack on a two-minute drill touchdown that is completed the same way the rest of the half went: short passes, runs, and Desmond Clark in the end zone. Nice spitcurl, Superman.

Third Quarter
Bears 24 - Buccaneers 10

Hey, did you know Mike Alstott is still in the league? (Does Mike Alstott realize he's still in the league?)

Tim Rattay hits Josh Bidwell in the back of the head with a lead pass. Unfortunately, Bidwell is the punter. And 10 yards out of bounds.

Tampa Bay, here's when you know it's over: Olin Kreutz, the Bears center, is getting retaliation penalties and pointing at the scoreboard. The Bucs defense signs Mardy Collins for the second half.

The Tim Rattay Show finds the end zone for the first time this year on a very long drive, punctuated by me taking a nap for most of it. Alstott scored the TD to try to make me look like an ass. Don't need the help, Mike. According to Fox, Alstott also scored the last offensive TD for the Buccaneers....three weeks ago.

Devin Hester falls from heaven, fumbling the kickoff to the Buccaneers at the 20. I'm awake now.

Fourth Quarter
Bears 31 - Buccaneers 31

Second play of the fourth quarter takes advantage of the turnover, causing my sphincter to clench a bit.

The Bears Respond. The drive is marked by multiple throws to the fullback, numerous runs by Benson (including the scoring play), and smart offensive calls by Ron Turner that limit the number of decisions Grossman has to make and how much time he needs to make them.

Fox has been putting up pictures and quotes about Lamar Hunt, but they've never explained who he was to younger viewers. Lost opportunity.

Tampa Bay commits its first turnover of the game (!) and you can feel free to check on your loved ones and order another pizza in preparation for the late game.

WHY WON'T YOU DIE? Joey Galloway runs a very long way on a very lucky pass. Ike Hilliard follows and it's tied.

Overtime
Bears 34 - Buccaneers 31

Over. Fucking. Time. Tampa Bay wins the toss and will receive.

Tampa Bay swallows their own tongues almost immediately, allowing the natural order to return. The Buccaneers fumble and then a Buc player throws his helmet to the ground petulantly for a 15-yard penalty. Yet again, instant replay causes us to question all we know for another five minutes. Finally, the ruling stands.

The Bears then repeat the sensation by missing a 37-yard field goal. A proctologist with the Jaws of Life could not open my sphincter right now.

The Bears prevent the Bucs from getting outside their own 20, take the punt to mid-field, and get within field goal range on a Davis catch and a Peterson run. A 25-yard field goal then clinches the game and home field advantage during the postseason. If I had known The Tim Rattay Show was so formidable, I would have counterprogrammed better.