What about a new NFL ball?

As a big fan of debacles, I love this idea. Detractors may protest, "Look what a new ball did for the NBA!" Au contraire, jerkfaces. Without talking too much about National Basketball, let me briskly outline the advantages of the new ball:

• It got people talking

Ta-friggin'-da. Hmmm, what does the NFL need? THAT'S RIGHT, DWIGHT! They need to get people talking. I don't know how to talk to my friends about the NFL anymore. In fact, it shames me, what with the steroids....and the.....steroids. What better way to get folk'a chatterin' than totally screwing with the most important thing in the game! No silly, not instant replay, it's the ball!

I propose several dope ass changes. Since I have no background in journalism, let's list them:

- Three words: Polymers and shit. I have extensively studied organic chemistry instead of talking to girls for years now. The singular hallmark of my study is that polymers make things better. Polymers were there when we landed on the moon. Polymers were there when Russia landed on the moon. And polymers will be there when Zaire lands on the moon. If polymers are good enough for the moon, they are for damn sure good enough to be in NFL footballs.

- Goal line situation, 4th and 2, Ron Dayne gets the carry for an apparent touchdown. Did the ball cross the plane, though? Not sure? Why doesn't the NFL add little sensors in the ball that detect a goal line laser? I'll tell you why, they are scared of progress. The sensors necessitate a 5.6% increase in the ball's mass. I figure that's negligible.

- Tired of playing for Seattle and lacking the requisite skills to catch a football? How about we just cover the damn thing in tree sap before every game? We are still working the kinks out on that one, get back with us later in the week, Jerramy.

- Fumble too much, Frank Gore? Fumbles be damned. The NFL will install a string at both ends of the ball, so once it hits the ground, player X can just yo-yo that pesky sucker right back into his tummy. That's so gimmicky, even the XFL is on the phone.

- The NFL has notoriously curbed nearly every perceived defensive advantage regarding physical contact, including stricter scrutiny on holding and carte blanche roughing the passer calls. Should the ball be any different? The next time Brett Favre cocks back for an interception, rusty spikes shall protrude from the ball mid flight. Want a pick, Darren Sharper? Earn it....in blood.

- For kicks, change the color. I vote neon green.

- Put a camera in the ball for all to view the outside world. Envision the lightning fast revolutions as the ball spirals to a receiver. Now think of how much puking NFL fans would do! You'll be feeding the houseplants in no time, which is gross.

- I recently talked to an exec in my fantasy football league and he revealed that the NFL is actually trying to prohibit fair catches. Prohibition should be forceful, in my dumbass opinion. Therefore, if a would be return man dares lift his hand, the ball will activate a rocket that propels the ball to the exact inch adjacent to the goal line. That's right, adjacent. If the aforementioned return man runs under the ball upon completion of its new flightplan, the ball will explode and the game will be a forfeit. Don't defy the new ball, the NFL, or Zaire's space exploration program. You will pay.

I've outlined the ball's pros, ignored its cons, and threatened the common reader wondering "What the hell is this?" All we need to do now is get the new ball in stores.