Denver vs. Seattle 1st Half

I guess I will do this by time.

8:17- John Madden doesn't know what to expect from Jay Cutler. That makes all of us. Now Jay gets to talk! I have the following things in common with him: 1. I need a haircut 2. I have a double chin. How many QBs have a double chin? That discussion begins and ends with Stan Humphries.

8:19- Go away, Bob Seger, you are trying to ruin rock. You may be succeeding.

8:21- Al Michaels uses the word "garb." Okay. Meanwhile, Seahawks are 4-20 in Denver since 1977.........garb? Is this the twenties? Seattle goes three and out and a bad punt follows. Mmmm, chicken cutler.

8:24- Listen to the cheers! Tatum Bell says quiet down folks by making bird gestures. And there is a five yard run. Oh, and the O-line doesn't talk to the media. I guess they shouldn't, unless they wanted to field questions like: "How fulfilling was it to take that nose guard's knees out and put him on IR?"

8:26- 3rd & 1, incomplete pass to Javon Walker. BENCH JAY CUTLER DOT COM ORG NET GOV. Paul Ernster punts. He is bad. I miss Todd Sauerbrun. Now a Seattle three and out and this game is rolling!!!

8:34- John Madden hates when people say "manage the game." I want to paint that on his car. 3rd and 8, Cutler throws to Scheffler, nearly intercepted. Nice punt by Ernster. Not one of his Ernster eggs....sorry.

8:40- Shaun Alexander tries running right, away from Walter Jones, and that is just career suicide right there. Gain of nothing. ANOTHER three and out. Folks this is just unlike anything you'll ever see again, because you've gouged your eyes out.

8:43- The first 1st!! Tatum goes for 25. Another first, Tatum goes for 11. Third and five, Cutler gets dropped. Jake Plummer could have evaded that rush...and thrown a pick....Jake is still the holder? Man, Shanahan, don't knock a man while he's down. 3-0 Broncos as Elam kicks it true

8:48- All new Deal or No Deal. On tomorrow's episode the banker gets robbed and the show is cancelled. Alexander gets seven yards, he's on pace for 163 carries. Now he has a first down. 486 carries.

8:53- Seattle has three drops already, none from perrenial drop all star Jerramy Stevens. Darrell Jackson had none last year, and has ten this year. Take that, Seneca Wallace. Seattle looks to set the record for punts as they do it again to start the second quarter.

8:55- No, Peyton, they are saying "boo."

8:57- Just so you know what a great sports fan I am, currently the television is being switched between the game and a borrowed copy of "Inside Man" on DVD. Viva la Blog!

8:58- Tatum nearly fumbles, then they pitch it in their own endzone, then I have a series of heart attacks. John and Al have a discussion about how Jay Cutler is Mike Shanahan's guy for good. Uh, well considering Preston Parsons from the practice squad is the only QB left, that's a safe bet. Unless of course they were suggesting he go with Plummer all over again. That's just silly. Silly like the punter forgetting his helmet....ugh.

9:03- Darrell Jackson with a comeback route, with which WRs always kill Darent Williams. I don't hate the word "cover corner," Madden. Why do you hate words so much? Couple of runs and a delay of game. This game is delaying the end of Inside Man. SPORTS FANATIC!

9:05- Maurice Morris, Mercury Morris' unfortunate bastard child, runs for 5-ish. Josh Brown kicks wide left. 3-0 still, bizarro barnburner.

9:10- Jay Cutler hates John Elway. Just kidding. But that would be totally awesome and confusing. Cutler fumbles the snap, keeps it. This just keeps getting better.

Cutler runs for about seven and gets a first on a bit of a facemask. Natily attired ref gives an emphatic first down. Exceptional garb.

9:13- Madden has it spot on. JC is incredibly tight. Just as we agree, JC throws a strike to Alexander for a first. I call him JC for a reason....

9:14- Tatum gains 30, giving him 10 carries for 81 yards. "He's not only a good runner, but he has good speed." Most good runners are slow. I shouldn't harp on the announcing so much. That's for here.

9:16- Who would have thought that Denver's Alexander would score before Seattle's?!?! Seven yard TD as he fidgets with it before securing the catch! Michaels says something stupid about juggling. 10-0 Broncos

9:22- Seahawks don't have a backup fullback? Weird. I thought Morris could play FB, but I am so mistaken that I've just lost the will to live. Borderline creepy McDonalds commercial has me right back on my feet.

9:25- Naked dude in a barrell and his itinerary. How captivating! Jay Cutler apparently has learned a lot from Jake Plummer. Horrible interception while being sacked, Seattle takes it back for a TD. 10-7 Broncos. THE WONDERLIC JAY!!

9:31- Tatum Bell is rushing out of his gourd. Gain of 17 and he is at 110 on 13 carries. The O-line must really be tearing up some legs. Madden has playful issue with players coming out on their own volition. Apparently that's not old school. Rod Smith is old school, and he just fumbled. Naturally, I blame Madden.

9:36- I like Penn Jillette. Maybe I should be his agent and advise against these things. Tim Hasselbeck gave his brother Matt advice about dropping his elbow down or something. I'm guessing that conversation went down like this:

Tim: You gotta move your elbow down to avoid those bad throws
Matt: Oh really? You know what, I do want football advice
Tim: DO YOU!?
Matt: Yeah, put Elisabeth on the phone

9:39- Another FG miss, then a penalty, then Mike Holmgren getting so red that his skin tone is close to matching the orange in the Bronco logo. Let's hope we see that.

9:42- Is it safe for me to say Romo was mediocre? Will I be murdered? And no, Madden, it's not that hard to bench Drew Bledsoe. Cutler going no huddle, throws deep, good coverage on Walker for the incompletion. I think they are going to kick a field goal. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, it's a fake. I...............am.......................so..........................confused.

It's a fake to have one yard shaved off the FG attempt? He makes a 41-yard attempt. Did Elam say something bad about Shanahan? WHAT IS THIS?

13-7 Denver at the half. Elam is hurt. KILL ALL THE DAMN HEROES FOR ALL I CARE, NBC! Ahem, I'll be back after halftime.