NFL HITS!

PFFFFFFFFFFF

2007-05-27T14:04:00.002-05:00

I BLOG HERE NOW, AHAHAHAHAHA, SHAMELESS LOSER ME IS.

I farted

2007-05-27T14:04:00.001-05:00

Tada!

Packers vs Bears (or Sooze vs Tuffy)

2006-12-31T19:25:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Forced Rivalry Week! Your hosts are Sooze and Tuffy. Sooze has commandeered a bar in rural flyover country while Tuffy is masking last night's hangover with more booze in the Tuffy Bunker (now with 100% more Tuffy!).

We will be providing highlights often through the game through the alcohol-tinged prism of a Packers and a Bears fan. We pick up during pre-game pointing and giggling:

Sooze: Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Tuffy: what's that? i can't hear you over the sweet sound of freedom from kids, school, and the cruel expectations of playoff football.
Sooze: No shit!
Sooze: I feel like a new woman.
Sooze: It's too bad this game is meaningless to everyone but Bears fan. Well... even Bears fans.
Tuffy: the word around town is that we're all pissed this landed smack in the middle of new year's day plans.
Sooze: Haha, no kidding.
Tuffy: didn't affect mine; the time change hasn't prevented me from mixing a new drink every hour in my new MAGIC BULLET! (as seen on tv) and chasing it with a beer.
Sooze: Oh. my. god. You have a magic bullet.
Tuffy: my kidneys may try to swipe a german motorbike and escape.
Tuffy: my parents bought it for me.
Sooze: That is so awesome.
Tuffy: a new year, a new AS SEEN ON TV product.
Sooze: I've spent many a night, staring longingly at that infomercial
Tuffy: dear brett: i'm on day SHUT THE SHIT UP. love, tuffy.
Sooze: brett's last game ver blahblahhgfkghdfgxvcmugujknj,l
Tuffy: shouldn't he be telling us what step he's on?
Sooze: I think they'll just continue to do this every year until he retires. He'll probably play til 2010 - but they'll move the GB game to the evening slot no matter what
Tuffy: well...you know....
Tuffy: i hate/love/lustily accept the responsibility to say this...
Tuffy: but the packers don't *have* to sign him.

Excerpted is a discussion of the best quarterback name in the league today. Sooze votes for Cleo Lemon; Tuffy is a huge fan of Boonie Stutz.

Sooze: Listen here, fucker. I did not give you written permission to broadcast my Yahoo! lol's and smileys for all to see. Shit. I've spilled on my keyboard. See what you've done? My z button is now a shift button. Let the Favre fellatio commence.

Tuffy: Hooray impending car wreck! I don't have a strong sense of how long the Bears will keep their starters on the field, though previous games imply the fourth quarter may be a good time to get good and schnockered. (Moreso.) However, you'd better believe the Pack will play their starters until the last whistle. Favre will be a strong focus of our coverage and NBC's, sure. I've heard the hue and cry that whining about Favre's media treatment is trite. I respect that point of view strongly and can feel the worn groove along the edges of this argument.

However, we've shouted at the mountaintop for years now and not heard more than our own echoes. It's a pleasant little lie that we can have both the cool efficiency that creates championships and the warm loving band of brothers that stick next to each other forever. Perpetuating the lie is the media's burden; crushing it is ours.

In other words, spit out the dick, John. We'll keep telling you until you spit and rinse.

Sooze: My #4 jersey still smells like Lambeau.
Tuffy: Yeah. The stench of brats and beer are two things I look for in a woman.
Sooze: Oh my good lord, Bears D. Tank! Don't hurt him!
Tuffy: Tank needs to take out his frustrations with the law on Favre about now.
Sooze: Oooooooooooooh shit!!! Favre nails Double D up the middle for a touchdown. That's fuckin hot.

Tuffy: The Bears defense has been terribly vulnerable to mediocre offenses the last few weeks. There are still a few injuries, but I wonder what game film has exposed about the Bears defense and how a good offense can exploit it.

Also, I suspect it now matters that the Bears have an offense.

Your jersey smells like tarred lungs and leathery vagina? Fantastic! (Also, what's with the Edgar Bergen bit? If I wanted your hand up my ass, I'd pay the $20 you quoted me pre-game.)

Sooze: Ruvell Martin got the skillz to pay the billz, ya'll.

False alarm.

I'm just gonna pretend this game is important. Like it's Favre's last game or something.

Tuffy: Hey, look! Favre threw it 61 mph! That's as fast as...uhm...actually, I have no comparison for it, but it sure looks impressive in a flashy graphic with a pretty gradient. slurp.

The Bears played nickel on first down because of their intense unspoken fear of Favre, not because the Packers playcalling is more transparent than a white shirt on a co-ed during spring break. Good call, John.

Imagine what Ruvell Martin could have done if the pass had led him instead of circling the airport, waiting for clearance to land.

A photo montage of Favre accompanied by Led Zeppelin...where did I see that...oh, right! We just saw a video of John Madden's MySpace page as a bumper.

Sooze: Argdsgdrtyhnvg! Bartender!!!

I'll let you cover that one, Tuffy.

Tuffy: Ruvell Martin, why did you do that? Why did you embarrass the Favre? The Favre is not pleased with your actions. You must complete the cross for your Favre. Do not let the Favre be intercepted with your weakness. Kneel before Favre!

Nate! aaaah! Master of the universe! He'll save every one of us! He's just a man, but he can never fail; no one but the pure in heart can intercept the Favre pass. ooooh. oooooooooh.

gack. Back to you, Sooze.

Sooze: Oh no! Watch out Sexy Rexy! Awwwww shit, it's Nick Collins with the pick and the TD.

P.S. Suck my metaphorical balls, Rayner. It's a fucking extra point. Get used to it.

Packers 13, Bears DA BIG FAT ZERO

Sooze: John Madden, in all of his infinite wisdom claims that turnovers should never happen in professional football. Rexy fumbles. Pickett recovers.

For the love of all that is cheesey, Rayner. It is your J-O-B to kick the football through the goal posts.

Tuffy: How can Rayner get used to kicking extra points, Sooze? The Packers only average 18 ppg.

I would not be the slightest bit surprised to find out the league (aka NBC) insisted that the Bears choose to wear their road jerseys because Brett is a white hat cowboy and the Bears need to be the navy blue hat bad guy.

Sooze: That's an interesting idea. We should write a made-for-tv drama. Man. You got me there about Rayner, Tuffman. I'm sure he has better things to do than crap like, "practicing" in his free-time. Kickers get all the babes.

Oh. My. God. REXY! Look at that pick.

Al, forget the consensus around the country on whether or not Favre's coming back. Madden says he is. And if Madden says it's so, then it must be so.

Tuffy: On the other hand, every Chicago schoolchild can tell you why Sexy Rexy continues to swallow his tongue: he follows his target with the red-hot intensity of a first crush, leaving no doubt whom he plans to ask to the big dance. Every safety and cornerback cannot wait to cockblock him.

Second Quarter Update

Sooze: brb i need some more peanuts
Tuffy: and water
Tuffy: get water
Sooze: fuck that shit!
Tuffy: there's another half still
Tuffy: then you can sprint to the finish
Sooze: oih yeah ok. blah
Sooze: there's like... at least 420 peanut shells under my stool right now
tuffy: 420. nice code...echelon.
Sooze: haha i'm such a slueth
Sooze: how do you spell that
Tuffy: sleuth.
Sooze: thanks
(long pause)
Sooze: sleuth isn't even the right word
Tuffy: cryptographer
Tuffy: go get peanuts.
Sooze: will do
Sooze: i have to pee too.

Sooze: Jesus, Rexy. What the hell. I know you're all over this one, Tuffy.

Tuffy: I have to believe Rex Grossman is costing himself a playoff start with each weak fling and panicked toss. He's been uniformly awful. Every part of his game has been subpar. He's not showing improvement in any key area.

Also? Brett Favre is not Cy Young, Al. Jesus H. Christ on a stick. That's simply ridiculous. You might as well compare him to Ghandi and iron ore.

Sooze: Yeah, wrong sport, retard.

The Packers just put together their best half of the season. In a game that doesn't matter. In a game. That could possibly be. The legendary Brett Favre's. Last Game. Ever. Packers 23, Bears 0.

Tuffy: Halftime notes: I get a little choked up every time I see Cowher look into that camera and say, "That was a special moment." That must really be a great show; I look forward to seeing the show on NFL Network next never.

Tuffy: We should strongly consider combining the new Grease reality show with the Law for the Prevention of Progeny with Hereditary Diseases.

Sooze: ~~Or just plant a bomb in the American Idol studio.~~

Tuffy: Again, I love the trick plays during exhibition-style games; it forces the opposition to waste 10-15 minutes of meeting time on a play your favorite team will probably never use. It forces misallocation of resources. Love it.

Tuffy: Brett Favre face morphing with an adult contemporary soundtrack, sandy beige background, and cursive script? That's Al's Facebook page.

Sooze: That last Favre musical montage was painfully gay.

Third Quarter Update

Tuffy:wow, the bears look awful. who greased th...OMG
Tuffy: it's a tie-in!
Sooze: haha it totally is
Tuffy: the packers are olivia newton-john
Tuffy: and the bears are travolta
Sooze: they so are
Tuffy: at least this proves favre is a pussy.
Tuffy: BAM
Sooze: and john madden is Betty Rizzo
Tuffy: hmm
Sooze: or not
Tuffy: pink.
Tuffy: pink is rizzo.
Sooze: cause rizzo never wanted to hump olivia newton john
Sooze: er sandy
Tuffy: you're not reading the best grease slash.
Sooze: apparently not
Sooze: Well, Rexy is Frenchy, then.

Tuffy: Last word, huh? Well, then: did you know Brett Favre once invented Steve Allen? True story. He was a conceit developed by Jayne Meadows and Brett Favre when Brett had to leave the comedy team to go invent the forward pass.

Sooze: Did you know that I once ditched Brian Urlacher at Leg Room, solely because he played for the Bears?

Tuffy: Worked out better for your contraceptive health, considering his later conquests.

OH FUCK ME. Al Michaels tells a cute story about growing up in Brooklyn and meeting Sid Luckman and John Madden shoves Al out of the booth to rhetorically ask, "Isn't Brett Favre as cool as Sid Luckman? No one is better, really. Also, Favre would beat Luckman at every game ever invented, including Super Game Inventing."

John Madden: Brett Favre throws a 100 m.p.h. fastball!

Jesus: I give. You win. You're bigger than the Beatles.

Tuffy: I'm glad we could pull the officials away from their YMCA flag football game in time for the contest this evening.

Wait...those are their uniforms? Seriously?

Tuffy: Bears quarterbacks have thrown one interception for each luxury box now. Thanks!

Also, I've noticed both NBC and ESPN have fallback plans for blowouts, keeping an interesting analyst (Collingsworth and Wilbon) on hand to create better conversation. This has worked out well for both networks; it just makes me wonder why both announcing teams need this kind of help in the first place.

Tuffy: And now we try to determine who cries more: Favre or Madden. I'll take the under on both; they'll wait till they get back to the hotel room.

Post Game Wrap

Sooze: Brett Favre made me cry tonight, but not as hard as Madden's post game eulogy.

Tuffy: Good night, all! Go get drunk in private and despair. It *is* New Year's Eve, after all.

49ers vs. Broncos - The Buzzed Edition

2006-12-31T17:48:00.000-05:00

Never has there been a game more intriguing than this. Unless you live outside of Denver. And San Francisco.

Alex Smith vs. ~~Jay Cutler~~ Jake Plummer.

~~Al Gore~~ Frank Gore vs. umm... Jason Elam?

Halftime Update With A Mild Slur

Elam kicks a 22-yard field goal and the Broncos are on the board with 42 seconds remaining in the 1st quarter. I was starting to pass out from all this excitement! 49ers 0, Broncos 3

DT Anthony Adams breaks Cutler's legs a minute and three seconds into the 2nd quarter.

Denver gets within field-goal range again with 11:23 left in the half, Elam puts it through from 21. 49ers 0, Broncos 6

"Oh no, Alex Smith! Be careful! Watch out for Champ Bailey! Too late, dumbass." Baily intercepts a short pass intended for Gore and runs it back for a touchdown. 49ers 0, Broncos 13

The Niners manage to get within field goal range, kind of, before the 2-minute warning. Joe Nedney nails it from 46 yards out. 49ers 3, Broncos 13

Third Quarter Debacle

Alex Smith finds his balls and throws a short pass for a 32 yard TD by ~~Moron~~ Moran Norris. Get your crap together Broncos defense! This is for some of the marbles!
49ers 10, Broncos 13

Do you hear that? Why... it sounds like a giant sucking sound coming from Denver's butthole! No, it's just Jay Cutler back in the game. A pass intended for S Alexander was picked off by W Harris and brought back for a 23 yard TD. 49ers 17, Broncos 13

Was that a whistle? Nope. False alarm.

The Broncos get within range and Elam boots a 22-yarder with a minute-and-a-half left in the period. 49ers 17, Broncos 16

Post Game Wrap

Psyche! After many a fumble on both sides of the ball, we are headed into over time. Christ.

The Niners kicked yet another field goal in the start of the fourth. 49ers 20, Broncos 16

Then, Nedney nails another 46-yarder at the 8:30 mark. 49ers 23, Broncos 16

Cutler unexplainably hits Tony Scheffler up the middle for a TD. Unreal. The Broncos can get into the playoffs with a tie or a win, so all they have to do is not lose.

Seems simple enough, right? 49ers 23, Broncos 23

OT Update

What better way to end this mess of a game than with a field goal? San Fran marches up the field and gets within range easily. Nedney pumps it through and Denver will not be playing this post season. Suckers. Final Score: 49ers 26, Broncos 23

Frank Gore rushed for 152 yards on 31 carries, with 2 receptions for 32 yards. What a horse.

Young Alex Smith went 17/32 for 194 yards, with one TD pass and an INT.

Jake Plummer went 0/2 with an interception. Good job, buddy.

Jay Cutler went 21/32 for 230 yards, ~~crying~~ trying his little heart out with one TD pass and an INT. Better luck next year. Take care of those legs that you never hurt. And that head.

As for you fuckers, I have no clue why you've read this far, but you can find me on the next post, having it out with Tuffy.

Dolphins - Colts

2006-12-31T16:30:00.000-05:00

Indianapolis. Scene of a game without meaning or import. My Snidey Sense tells me this will be a 400 yd passing performance for Manning, but I'd much rather see both teams treat this as an exhibition game if I were a fan of either. As a fan of Ben Affleck-level lucky scoring, first team to 100 wins.

First Quarter:
MIA 3 IND 7

Perception becomes reality: Phil Simms claims the Colts are trying for more first downs this year and not so many high-risk plays because...uhm, I think he said it was important because scoring is important. I'd hate for my car to die at his initial observation and be forced to walk through the verbal shitstorm to the gas station in Obvious, NY, where his final point lies.

On the other hand, What I Love About Week 17's Meaningless Games continues: an Indy offensive lineman lines up at tight end and waddles in for a touchdown. That's the kind of exhibition game work I like to see. Mess with next week's opponent a bit and keep other players off the field and away from injury.

An earlier Miami field goal finishes the explanation of the first quarter of play.

Halftime:
MIA 6 IND 17

A number of impressive long drives from both teams peter out a bit short each time. Do coaches feel good about these kinds of drives, knowing that it's just one or two more successful steps to consistent scoring? Do they worry that a lack of clutchness pervades their team's very soul?

Peyton Manning sprints 15 yards for the touchdown, moving for all the world like Michael Vick's great-great-grandfather. (You know, dead.) It was inspiring for couch potatoes everywhere. Keep it up, 6'5".

Cleo Lemon throws his first lemon with a few seconds left, leaving Indianapolis time for a last moment field goal. When I come back, I want to be a field goal kicker in a dome.

An earlier Miami field goal finishes the explanation of the second quarter of play as well.

I don't get the impression anyone is phoning it on, but how does one tell from a small television image? It's something I'd like to assume less and definitely ask announcers and talk radio to assume less.

Mea culpa: I hadn't realized a Ravens loss coupled with an Indy win gives the Colts a bye week. I'd like to see Indianapolis play in the RCA Dome in the playoffs, so I now have a rooting cause that doesn't have anything to do with the plethora of puns for Cleo Lemon.

Third quarter:
MIA 12 IND 20

Hey, a Miami field goal!

Cleo Lemon has been limited by Saban to situations where he can't fuck up and, for the most part, he has not fucked up. He has also not done anything singularly impressive.

More long drives; more coitus interruptus. This time, the Colts kick a field goal. It makes for a languid game with the occasional interruption from a loved one to move the car or provide sexual release. If I hadn't already consumed enough sugar to cause a 4 year old's head to explode as if it had been scanned, I would be napping now.

Hey, how did Bob Whitfield's agent get him that Honda Pilot commercial? He plays a great troll.

It's 9-7 Baltimore in the third; my rooting interest in Indy grows. I despise the clawing, grabbing, and grappling Baltimore style. It plays poorly on television and makes for ugly close games. It's great for less talented teams, but it makes for uninteresting football.

Hey, a Miami field goal!

OH SWEET JESUS ABOVE AND BELOW PLEASE STOP SHOWING ME DAVID SPADE SHIMMYING IN A SILVER HIPSTER SHIRT OH GOD IT BURNS WHEN I POUR THE BLEACH IN BUT IT CLEANSES THE EYES

Fourth quarter:
MIA 22 IND 27

Baltimore goes up 16-7 in the fourth on J.P. Losman's massive vagina.

Cialis lets me get a boner for 36 hours, just in case a lot of small children gather around my Boomer crotch just as I was about to mount Grandma? Thanks, science! Do you have a pill for the bulimia I'm developing?

Hey, a...seriously, does Nick Saban have Mare on his fantasy team...Miami field goal!

Manning to Harrison. Really, it doesn't sound like much to the uninitiated, but it's still great to watch. I hope there's a few more years in those receding hairlines.

19-7 BAL with 4 minutes left. Someone please call Tony Dungy and let him know this is the last drive for Manning this calendar year.

But no...even with that game and playoff positioning final, Miami's touchdown after a turnover (congrats, Cleo) causes the slimy competitive juices to boil up in Tony Dungy and Manning presses on to protect the lead. There's a slim chance a playoff game might be hosted in Indy some day because of this, but I'm not convinced this is the proper risk-reward calculation.

Cleo Lemon sputters and apparently isn't ready quite yet to lead that final drive. Again, he was not awful, but he did not show the ability to provide a game-changing play all game. Best of luck to him; we need more colorful names and players each Sunday.

Neither team hurts themselves this afternoon. Miami gets valuable data for the offseason and a better draft pick; Indianapolis gets slightly better playoff position, another home playoff date to pad the coffers, and no major injuries for the playoff run. Group hugs!

Week 17 - Early Games

2006-12-31T13:28:00.000-05:00

CBS has already broken out the Sooze-approved NFL Films Favre miked-up bits. "Hey, I thought you hit harder than that, Viking defensive end! I am teh tough-z0rz." My gag reflex will relax with booze. That's how I worked my way through college.

PIT-CIN: Pittsburgh did the ol' kickoff huddle-up on reception, gathering on the 10 to hide who had the ball. This worked brilliantly if you're a retiring coach that doesn't give a shit if it gets you pinned at the 14.

DET-DAL: Kitna's first pass is intercepted by Roy Williams for a touchdown. (I look forward to hot Roy Williams-on-Roy Williams action today.) A bad-touch penalty brings it back; it's a questionable call. I'm a huge proponent of erring to this side of caution, but I hope the NFL takes a sliver of their huge profits and invests in finding the best equipment and training techniques to make these types of calls irrelevant in 10-15 years.

PIT-CIN: Cincinnati is called for 12 men on the field. Playoff focus!

DET-DAL: Jason Hanson nails another field goal and can we talk for a moment about the quietly solid Jason Hanson? He's missed six extra point attempts in 15 years. He is better than 80% for his career on field goals with impressive deep range. His kickoffs are always deep. Admittedly, he works in a dome 60-70% of the time, but he's just done the job forever. I enjoy the flashy play as much as the other man in jail for public indecency, but it's also rather cool to see the yeoman's effort succeed over time. (Also, Jason Hanson looks like he prepared my taxes last year.)

DET-DAL: Jon Kitna has thrown more passes in a single season than any other Lions passer. Ever. He's taken every snap for the Lions this year. Every. What's the Lions' record? Really? Two wins? That's shocking. You'd think the Lions were playing from behind every game.

DET-DAL: Roy Williams drops another possible interception. The Lions cash in on their good luck with...a field goal. Wake the kids!

PIT-CIN: Bengals intercept Ben on a thrown punt. That has to be the reason he threw that pass. Either that or someone whispered in the concussed QB's ear, "Let's play 500. You throw first."

NYJ-OAK: 7-0 Jets. The Bengals' collective sphincter tightens a bit. (Remember, we're too good for Bengals prison jokes here.)

PIT-CIN: A Steeler penalty invokes The Chin's wrath writ small; a small child can revel in the simple lip-reading required to learn "fucking dumb; fucking dumb."

DET-DAL: Another long punt return by the Lions is improved upon by a penalty of the touchy-feely variety. I need to find at least one special teams coach to explain this to me in the offseason: why the fuck is it so hard to avoid special teams penalties? Is it just perception because special teams is such a different vibe?

DET-DAL: Dallas appears to have checked out sometime just after the opening kickoff. They're letting Jon F. Kitna work them over like Gary Crosby. A fab TD catch by Roy Williams the Bluebeard helps sell the idea that the Cowboys are thinking about how to divvy up their playoff tickets.

First quarter wrap-up:
DET 13 DAL 0
PIT 0 CIN 0
NYJ 7 OAK 0

PIT-CIN: Willie Parker gets his cup massaged a lot by announcers; I don't remember watching any game he participated in this year without hearing about his orphan-saving or his loaf duplication method. However, Football Outsiders ranks him around 15th. Am I missing something? Is there potential here I don't have an eye for? I'm open to explanations.

PIT-CIN: Not coincidentally, Willie Parker scores the first points of the game on a short TD run to end a very impressive 15 play, 90 yard drive. It's this kind of head-down consistent work that the typical Pittsburgh fan identifies with. PIT 7 CIN 0.

What is the Department of Homeland Security's action plan for a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot mutiny? I seriously doubt putting a pick-up truck in their way will work for long; they adapt too quickly.

DET-DAL: Marion Barber III continues to electrify fantasy football rosters (with 17 week seasons) with his 320948903284th touchdown of the season on an equal number of carries. Also, Dallas may not be fully-involved, but the CBS cameraman is in post-season form, getting his lens deep in the cleavage of each Cowboy cheerleader. DET 13 DAL 7.

PIT-CIN: The Steelers defense is beating up the Bengals' offense, taking their lunches, and snickersnagging on them. It's a thorough domination, one that accounts for every detail down to the place settings for the Thorough Domination Celebration Dinner.

DET-DAL: Kitna is finally punished for his impertinence, coughing up an interception that is not called back for Bad Touch. It's the type of gunslinger throw we can look forward to tonight.

PIT-CIN: Strike what I said about snagging the snickers. The Bengals have adjusted, hitting short patterns to the sideline and underneath. They're marching down the field with confidence.

DET-DAL: One long drive later and it appears the Cowboys don't need to show up to succeed against the Lions. Brady Quinn should call Bloomfield Hills real estate agents now to beat the rush. DET 13 DAL 14.

PIT-CIN: Two straight false start penalties for the Bengals after starting 1st and goal; playoff focus! A field goal is the cousin-kissing conclusion to the half.

DET-DAL: Leave it to me to be an ass about this, but I think the Lions should have left the punter at home this week. It's good practice to go for every fou....fumbled punt by Dallas gives the Lions the ball around the 35. Hey, how about this weather we're experiencing?

OAK-NYJ: OAK 3 NYJ 10. Marvin Lewis' supply of anti-anxiety medication must be running low.

DET-DAL: Roy Williams the Bluebeard sucks in another touchdown pass as the half ends to help ruin the Lions' chance of getting the #1 pick. Brady Quinn demands to stay in Charlie Weis' warm, jiggly embrace forever.

Halftime wrap-up:
DET 20 DAL 14
PIT 7 CIN 3
OAK 3 NYJ 10

DET-DAL: Week 17 mindfucks, baby! The exotic beauty known as the fleaflicker steps up to the bar and gives the Cowboys the ball inside the 10...and then Romo holds the ball on the next play for about 4 days, allowing Detroit to strip the ball and get it back, only to go three-and-out and punt the ball to the Cowboys...for a punt return touchdown. Warm slop only a pig could love. (Speaking of Redskins fans...) DET 20 DAL 21.

DET-DAL: It could be a case of Stockholm Syndrome, but the holiday scarf on the Fox robot is kinda cute. Puckish, perhaps. Who does his body armor?

PIT-CIN: It's raining in Cincinnati. This is the only noticeable action halfway through the third quarter.

DET-DAL: Bill Parcells is challenging something, but I had the sound down; I assume he's challenging the need to finish this game.

OAK-NYJ: 20-3 Jets. Marvin Lewis is doing whippets on the sideline.

DET-DAL: Field goal from The Taxman. I assume only the truly degenerate gambler works Week 17.

PIT-CIN: In a fit of pique caused by another decent Davenport run, the lead announcer shouts, "It doesn't matter who runs the ball for Pittsburgh!" Insert stage direction to put finger to nose here.

PIT-CIN: Here's why we watch Week 17 when nothing is on the line: there's nothing like a rookie offensive lineman getting called for taunting. Bill Cowher's chin bounced off the third row of seats and he ran back to the sideline to find someone to replace him so the screaming could begin in earnest. The offending lineman, Willie Colon, may have tried to feign death to avoid coming off the field at the end of the quarter.

DET-DAL: Detroit scores again. Jesus, Matt...when Al Davis outmaneuvers you for the #1 pick, you might consider running a rubber pipe from the car exhaust.

Third-quarter wrap-up:
DET 30 DAL 21
PIT 7 CIN 3
OAK 3 NYJ 20

PIT-CIN: 99 yard touchdown drive by the Steelers is interrupted one yard short by a Willie Parker fumble. Marvin Lewis has commandeered a oxygen mask and is demanding that you do not look at him. Never look at him!

PIT-CIN: False start, 71, Cincinnati. Playoff focus!

PIT-CIN: Chris Henry runs like the cast of Armed and Famous is chasing him. He scores on a 66 yard touchdown pass that is pretty much all him. Marvin Lewis calls Betty Ford for detox advice and to mourn the recent dead...

OAK-NYJ: ...23-3 Jets.

DET-DAL: Dallas scores 3 points; I assume this was done with half of a touchdown. I'm finding it hard to watch a Lions game from beginning to end, especially with...

PIT-CIN: ...Willie Parker remembering to hold the ball all the way to the end zone this time. He just never makes a mistake, does he? PIT 14 CIN 10.

PIT-CIN: Carson Palmer is hurt. He's moving his legs, but he's not getting up. James Farrior lifted up Palmer and drove him into the ground as if he were building a fence. Anthony Wright is warming up. Marvin Lewis is mainlining electricity and listing ways to kill Pittsburgh players without being caught.

DET-DAL: At the same time, Lions offensive tackle Jonathan Scott is carted off the field, giving the thumbs-up so his mom doesn't worry.

PIT-CIN: Palmer's back on the field after the next play, but he's certainly not 'okay', despite the shorthand used by the announcers. No one's 'okay' after a play like that. He's hanging in there...

PIT-CIN: ...long enough to give those fans at the stadium without access to the Oakland game score hope (PIT 14 CIN 17)...

OAK-NYJ: ...23-3 Jets (F). Marvin Lewis wants to date Courtney Love. Or a San Francisco win over Denver and Kansas City to hold their lead over Jacksonville.

JAC-KC: 35-30 Kansas City, 4 minutes left.

PIT-CIN: Pittsburgh ties it up on a field goal. Cincinnati has a chance to get in position for a field goal with less than a minute remaining...and their field goal kicker asks for his lip balm. Marvin Lewis eats the lip balm.

PIT-CIN: I hope that lip balm comes in Choke flavor. A 39 yard field goal misses wide right and we'll have overtime...

PIT-CIN: ...for about a minute and a half. Pittsburgh scores on a very long pass-and-run. Marvin Lewis is last seen with a copy of "Self-Immolation for Dummies" under his arm.

Final wrap-up:
DET 39 DAL 31
PIT 23 CIN 17 (OT)
OAK 3 NYJ 23
KC 35 JAC 30

Week 17 - Early Games Preview

2006-12-31T10:58:00.000-05:00

Here's a look at games I'll be covering early today, Playoff Eve:

In Cincinnati, The Chin will wrestle for likely his last time as a Steeler (until he's called out of retirement by Art Rooney III in 2020). The Bengals picked up a little stomach bug that's drained energy out of much of the team. Bad timing, this; they're hoping for Oakland to be their shining hero, beating the Jets and opening a playoff opportunity for them. I'll be posting updates on the Bengals' chances throughout the contest. You may make your "Bengals rooting for Raiders" jokes in the comments; I'm personally rather excited that a Raiders game might matter this year.

In Dallas, the Cowboys rest up for the playoffs against the Lions, who are angling for Jeff Samardzija. (As a Cubs fan, I say, "Bully!") I'll be checking in on this game with Ghetto Picture-in-Picture (13" TV set up for just this occasion) so I can see if Roy Williams spontaneously combusts or if Rod Marinelli's scheduled hip surgery could give him Larry Brown-like powers over mediocrity.

Footballers' Wives to Fuck Up Sundays, Too

2006-12-29T23:15:00.000-05:00

Gentlemen and fair-minded ladies, ABC has green-lighted the import of a very popular British television series. I recommend you find ways to selectively disable your television function and/or reception before this fall.

"But why?" you ask. "Why, brilliant and deceptively handsome Tuffy? I have grown fond of the soft and warm glow that television affords me, replacing the hard-earned affections of family and acquaintances with its reassuring lessons of smugness, fairness, and rough sex."

"Also, Tuffy, it's not like this is the first British import to pollute our shores. We survived Archie Bunker, Sanford, and that funny virgin-y guy in an office. Certainly, this is nothing our feckless American television executives can't polish into a shiny prime-time turd."

Oh, dear reader, how I wish I could return to feeling as you do, wrapped in the safe electric blanket of UHF, VHF, and co-ax. Nay, I come to you today as a portent of evil for our well-meaning progenitors have delivered unto these shores...a football soap opera.

TV Squad, a Web site that calls to me like the voice of God, has warned me that this is intended to be a bookend for Desperate Housewives. Now you understand the danger. See me. Feel me. Touch me. Heal me.

This is not the show to bring men and women together under one television show, divisible by none, amen. I present you with Wikipedia-scripted warnings from the British soccer-based version (sweet, sweet spoilers follow):

On the night of one of Tanya's and Frank's steamy rendezvous, Frank injures Tanya, who then locks herself away in the bathroom. Enter Jason, who sees what Frank has done to his wife and goes berserk. But one blow to Frank's head causes him to remember everything. Memories from the night he went into a coma come flooding back to Frank...

...Meanwhile, things are far from perfect for Kyle and his wife Chardonnay. The soon-to-be-married couple's relationship goes downhill during page 3 pin-up Chardonnay's night out with the girls - some rowdy rival football hooligans set fire to her chest...

...He hires a private detective to track down Nurse Dunkley, Frank's nurse who sexually abused him while he was in his coma...

...Noah is badly beaten by homophobic fans of the losing team...

...Tanya and Amber both had Conrad's babies; Tanya swapped the babies at birth to hide that hers might have been Frank's, but this backfired when Amber's son (Tanya's, really) was smothered to death by Amber's dog.

Heed my word and find a method to convince your loved ones that your television simply will not work for at least one hour per week. Suggestions include:

* HDTV (no one understands it properly; use plenty of acronyms and alphanumeric combinations like "My 1080p conked out when the HDMI and the R2D2 went K-9")
* Lightning storms
* Snow storms
* Confetti storms
* Religion (the perfect time to find religion is to avoid this show)
* Football is on.

This is the cruelest blow; if it's the perfect bookend with Desperate Housewives, there is every chance this show will be the obstacle to Sunday Night Football. If this happens, may your deity have mercy on you. Failing that, bite down on the cyanide tablet attached to the bottom of this post.

Vikings-Packers

2006-12-21T20:30:00.000-05:00

You know what, Roger? I had a lovely half of snideness up here, but I can't be bothered anymore. I'm too annoyed by corporate malfeasance and arrogance to care about your little ball game. If you want me to be invested in your prime time contest of wills, consult these fellows.

Bengals-Colts

2006-12-18T20:31:00.000-05:00

Welcome back, my pretties. Tonight, we bask in the awe of the two best offenses the National Football League can offer (non-LT division). I've got my cup on; let's score like Courtney Love's in the room.

(By the way, it's not a good idea to eat half a box of chocolate for dinner after a certain age. That age is 7.)

First Quarter
Colts 3 - Bengals 3

Oh, look! Instant replay! That's the only way to slow down these offenses. Four minutes on Chad Johnson's shoes, brought to you by instant replay. Also, the rookie referee asks for a game clock reset due to the instant replay and thanks the clock operator upon completion. That's incredibly sweet and will probably be beaten out of him by Hochuli at the Pro Bowl.

Dallas Clark looks like a cashier at Trader Joe's.

It took over half an hour for the first score of the game and it's a field goal. I am deeply disappointed. I want my money back.

And the rest of the quarter is spent delivering the equalizer. Both offenses had full run of the field except the red zone, leaving me with that not-so-fresh feeling after one quarter.

Second Quarter
Colts 17 - Bengals 10

Mike Tirico starts the quarter by noting explosive games often start out slowly so please oh please don't tune out casual viewer we're gonna get this par-tee started soon. Please? (If I look that pathetic in the bar, it explains a lot.)

Now we're talking. The standard "Addai sucks the best veteran dick out of any rookie in the league" story is followed by a few plays his way and a touchdown to Harrison, summed up with the standard "Harrison stopped sucking dick years ago because he's married to Manning and married receivers don't put out" spiel. Monday Night Football at its "ESPN sucks the best NFL dick in all of television" best.

The Bengals recover a muffed punt. Dwight Freeney thanks the Bengals by crushing Carson Palmer like a beer can on his forehead. While Rudi Johnson completes the deed and ties the score, Carson Palmer returns to the sidelines and asks that all future turnovers be ignored.

Matthew McConaughey is the celebrity guest. Certain close-ups of him in the booth must be very...disturbing in HD. I know certain attempts by him to speak extemporaneously are disturbing.

Peyton Manning just ran 12 yards for a first down. That reminds me; I need a new egg timer.

This random thought sponsored by Cingular: Peter Dinklage probably hated the holidays before Elf started paying TV royalties.

Manning gets caught trying to run again for the touchdown. The gods may be crazy, but they ain't stupid. Don't get cute, Peyton; you don't have the face for it.

The Colts have years of experience on building suspense; they score on another Harrison reception with a few moments left in the half. I'll see you on the other side of my insulin attack.

Third Quarter
Colts 31 - Bengals 13

Some kind of kicking thingie happened for the Bengals. When does the second half start?

Oh, there it goes. Apparently, Marvin Harrison is the best wife since Eleanor Roosevelt, covering her husband's physical frailties and burning her own light into the firmament. (Also, he doesn't suck.) My cat has spent the last two hours chasing the same mouse unsuccessfully; he could teach something to the Bengals cornerbacks assigned to #88.

Happy thought of the week brought to you by the Booze Council: The clydesdales in the Budweiser commercial are probably dead.

After Reggie Wayne burned the Bengals for a fade in the back of the end zone, a shot of Marvin Lewis confirms that someone told him about the poor clydesdales.

Texas Instruments went wrong after this. Horribly, horribly wrong. Pippi Longstocking and Dumbo want me to buy a television? Fuck you, presumptive children's entertainment.

The third quarter ends with the Bengals driving and the feel of an explosive fourth quarter on the other side. I'll fight through the diabetic coma to join you. Be strong for me.

Fourth Quarter
Colts 34 - Bengals 16

Nice 27-yard field goal to affirm my gut feeling about this quarter. Jackasses. I'd pitch a hissy fit if I weren't trying to insert my own saline IV drip.

The Bengals are dropping passes and barking at each other; the Colts are inventing hip-hop. The resulting field goal does not properly punctuate the final sentence the Colts have placed on this game. Unfortunately, this safe margin makes the announcing team feel comfortable to pontificate on the Jail Bengals. It's a year late and billions short. Just stop while Theesman is making the relatively salient points of the group.

The Colts return to being the Colts after...well, they were always the Colts. They just had a few bad weeks here and there. Let's keep our undies unbunched; the underwear models among us appreciate your respect. The Bengals continue to be Colts Lite; they could very easily succeed where the Colts failed, which I would relish only to watch old white men squirm for Super Bowl week about the evil, evil Bengals players.

Bears-Buccaneers

2006-12-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

First Quarter
Bears 7 - Buccaneers 0

Tampa Bay's film study must have been compiled by this man, for they've let the Bears march down the field using the run game and hitting the tight ends and running backs for short passes. Rex Grossman hasn't really thrown the ball deep yet. They're also kicking to Devin Hester instead of flinging the ball to the sidelines and begging for mercy.

Also, it appears someone didn't read his self-review; the Buccaneers offense is slightly more conservative than Justice Souter at the moment. Due to the technological advances that modern sports coverage has brought us in the last 20 years, you can actually hear Gradkowski's sphincter clench before each snap.

Thankfully, the Bears are able to slip an instant replay challenge in before the quarter ends.

Second Quarter
Bears 21 - Buccaneers 3

Rex Grossman is back to floating long passes out, hoping for a pass interference call or divine intervention. A fairly amusing special teams penalty against the Bears (hint: the boundary stripe is not a takeoff strip for the flyer) sets the Buccaneers up for business at the 26 yard line, but the Bucs offense comes alive to the tune of -1 yards. Tim Rattay starts warming up. At least Bruce will have time to update his report. (Oh, and his résumé.)

The Buccaneers kick it off to the 35 to specifically avoid Hester but don't tackle the Bears' special team member until the 45. They might be better off kicking it out of bounds. The Bears follow the same intricate battle plan (run, run, Desmond Clark, run) to best effect, letting Thomas Jones finish 'er off. Jones then tosses it in the stands to a man in his late 20s wearing the execrable orange Bears shirt that has become popular in these parts. This fan's celebration of the gift is positively magical.

Tim Rattay is in. Gradkowski didn't turn the ball over, mostly because he averaged 8 yards per completed pass, which he did less than half the time. It's possible that clenching sound I heard in the first quarter was Jon Gruden's jaw.

Near the end of the half, Daryl Johnston compares Rex Grossman to a Longfellow poem:

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

Fox throws to commercial to prevent the Earth's axis from being altered by a football analyst reciting poetry from memory.

The Bears tack on a two-minute drill touchdown that is completed the same way the rest of the half went: short passes, runs, and Desmond Clark in the end zone. Nice spitcurl, Superman.

Third Quarter
Bears 24 - Buccaneers 10

Hey, did you know Mike Alstott is still in the league? (Does Mike Alstott realize he's still in the league?)

Tim Rattay hits Josh Bidwell in the back of the head with a lead pass. Unfortunately, Bidwell is the punter. And 10 yards out of bounds.

Tampa Bay, here's when you know it's over: Olin Kreutz, the Bears center, is getting retaliation penalties and pointing at the scoreboard. The Bucs defense signs Mardy Collins for the second half.

The Tim Rattay Show finds the end zone for the first time this year on a very long drive, punctuated by me taking a nap for most of it. Alstott scored the TD to try to make me look like an ass. Don't need the help, Mike. According to Fox, Alstott also scored the last offensive TD for the Buccaneers....three weeks ago.

Devin Hester falls from heaven, fumbling the kickoff to the Buccaneers at the 20. I'm awake now.

Fourth Quarter
Bears 31 - Buccaneers 31

Second play of the fourth quarter takes advantage of the turnover, causing my sphincter to clench a bit.

The Bears Respond. The drive is marked by multiple throws to the fullback, numerous runs by Benson (including the scoring play), and smart offensive calls by Ron Turner that limit the number of decisions Grossman has to make and how much time he needs to make them.

Fox has been putting up pictures and quotes about Lamar Hunt, but they've never explained who he was to younger viewers. Lost opportunity.

Tampa Bay commits its first turnover of the game (!) and you can feel free to check on your loved ones and order another pizza in preparation for the late game.

WHY WON'T YOU DIE? Joey Galloway runs a very long way on a very lucky pass. Ike Hilliard follows and it's tied.

Overtime
Bears 34 - Buccaneers 31

Over. Fucking. Time. Tampa Bay wins the toss and will receive.

Tampa Bay swallows their own tongues almost immediately, allowing the natural order to return. The Buccaneers fumble and then a Buc player throws his helmet to the ground petulantly for a 15-yard penalty. Yet again, instant replay causes us to question all we know for another five minutes. Finally, the ruling stands.

The Bears then repeat the sensation by missing a 37-yard field goal. A proctologist with the Jaws of Life could not open my sphincter right now.

The Bears prevent the Bucs from getting outside their own 20, take the punt to mid-field, and get within field goal range on a Davis catch and a Peterson run. A 25-yard field goal then clinches the game and home field advantage during the postseason. If I had known The Tim Rattay Show was so formidable, I would have counterprogrammed better.

Lions vs. Packers

2006-12-17T11:45:00.000-05:00

Let the excitement begin.

From Seattlepi.com:

"After a seemingly winnable two-game stretch against Detroit (2-11) and Minnesota (6-7) at home, the 5-8 Packers finish up with a trip to meet Chicago in a game that might be meaningless for the NFC-leading Bears. Mike McCarthy's team would need some additional help in the form of more losses than wins for other Wild Card hopefuls such as the Giants (7-6), Eagles (7-6), Falcons (7-6), and/or Panthers (6-7), but with an 8-8 mark and 7-5 record within the NFC, a Green Bay team that has been residing on the south side of .500 all season could, however implausibly, find itself in the postseason bracket."

If the Pack make the Playoffs, I will streak naked through the city wearing green and gold body paint.

In all seriousness, Brett Favre is a career 15-0 against Detroit and the Lions are one of the few teams worse off than Green Bay. A win today is more than plausible, it's expected.

First Quarter Update: Lions 3, Packers 3.
John Kitna's short left passes were not enough to get the Lions into the red zone, and Detroit was forced to kick a 42-yard field goal. Al Harris made an astounding pick and ran 34 yards before being pushed out of bounds. Favre hit David Martin square in the numbers in the end zone, but Marty couldn't hang on to the football. Rayner's kick is good, game tied at three. The Packers will start the second quarter with possession at the GB 48. When will the excitement end?!

Halftime Update: Lions 3, Packers 10.
Vernon Morency sneaks into the end zone on a 14-yard run for the first touchdown of the game. Brett Favre now holds the all-time NFL record for completions at 4,968: Bad Ass. Green Bay loses one of their most experience offensive linemen: Crappy. Kitna is 10/13 passing for 59 yards (19 rushing) with 1 interception while Favre is 15/25 for 144 yards and a touchdown.

Third Quarter Update: Lions 6, Packers 10.
Kitna can't really manage to get down the field, so the Lions settle for another field goal (42 yards). To make matters worse for Detroit, Charles Woodsen picks off Kitna, who then gets called for the 15-yard face mask penalty. I like your moves, Johnny. With that possession, Favre throws a pick to former Packer Paris Lenon in the end zone. The Lions will have the ball at the start of the fourth.

Game Recap: Lions 9, Packers 17.

John Kitna could not get anything done against the Green Bay defense. When Favre threw an interception from the endzone to the GB 12, I thought the Lions had a pretty decent chance of scoring. Could they possibly move the ball 12 yards?

"Actually, no," says the Lions quarterback. "We thought we should just try to push through 2 or 3 yards at a time until we could get within field goal range for Hanson. He's on my fantasy team."

Hey, that works, if you're looking to be replaced by Troy Smith next season. Kitna finished the game going 16/26 passing with zero touchdowns and 135 yards, bringing the Lions' record to 2-12.

On the other side of the ball, Brett Favre went 20/37 passing for 174 yards, becoming the new All-time completions leader. He was sacked once and threw three picks. Vernon Morency had a pretty good game, rushing 54 yards with two touchdowns. Defensive Tackle Cullen Jenkins mauled Kitna 3 times, Aaron Kampman sacked him twice and Corey Williams brought him down one other time. The Packers' D also intercepted 2 passes, helping bring their record to 6-8 (tied with the Vikes) in the dismal NFC North.

Bears-Buccaneers Preview

2006-12-17T02:02:00.000-05:00

First, I'd like to thank all of you for this kind honor. While I find the work rewarding unto itself, it's certainly wonderful to be recognized. (And to Kissing Suzy Kolber: In. Your. FACE.)

As your newly-selected spokesperson for the planet, I want you to know I take this responsibility gravely and will do my level best to continue supporting your needs. I am here for you, little people. Now please stand and be chosen to hear the Word; it's not necessary to genuflect constantly. Occasionally is quite sufficient.

First, I choose you, Bruce Gradkowski. You will be facing the Chicago Bears defense today. You will probably be far too busy this evening finding reasons to keep living to remember you have a status report to file when you get back in the office Monday. To assist you, I have written your status report for you before the game starts; you can file this before game time and have nothing to worry about but the game at hand.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club
One Buccaneer Place
Tampa, FL 33607

To: P. Hackett
Cc: Jo. Gruden

Quarterback Self-Review - Week 15

I. Executive Summary
My performance against the Chicago Bears in Week 15 showed both promise and improvement despite unexpected setbacks that were both impossible to predict and unavoidable. This type of steady progress reflects my hard work and personal drive to represent the Buccaneers organization proudly.

II. Project Description
i. Preparation
To prepare to face the best pass defense and overall defense in the National Football League this year, I worked with the Film Department and the Quarterbacks Coach to analyze the opposition. As you know, I have had well-documented issues differentiating between those players with the Buccaneers organization and those who compete against us. I am pleased to report I had no such issues during film study this week; I could even tell the players apart at half-speed, no longer seeing them all as blurs. I must also report that my choking sobs and panic attacks have returned, though the quality of the opposition should be considered.

Also, I participated with the first team offense again during practice. Most of the offensive line has learned my name and stopped referring to me as 'Ground Chuck'. Anthony Davis continues to refer to me as 'Ground Bruce', but the others have remembered that I do not respond well to that name.

ii. Execution
The game did not go quite as planned, despite copious preparation. We discovered the Bears defense functioned adequately despite the loss of many starters. My congenital disorder that causes me to soil myself when chased by very large men did affect me again twice in the first quarter, for which I have submitted restitution forms to cover the cost of cleaning and hazardous waste removal.

Also, I continue to improve on working under full-speed game conditions. I only curled into the fetal position three times in the first half, a new personal record and a tribute to the strength and conditioning staff's recommendation to stop working the abdominal region as much. (I believe the assistant said it best: "You can stop trying now." It really helped me focus on the other aspects of my position.)

Despite reports to the contrary, the fumble at 6:47 in the second quarter did not occur because I squealed, flipped the ball to a defensive lineman, and yelled, "Not in the face!" None of these actions occurred; I am insulted that Fox Sports would find it amusing to overdub this scurrilous lie during the halftime score review.

It should also be noted that 31 of the 37 passes not caught by members of the Receiving Department were considered 'drops' by this group and should be referred to Receiving for explanation. (The other six were successfully caught by Bears defenders, showing my improvement on spirals.)

Finally, I now understand that the Victory formation should only be called when we are winning. Also, it should never be called in the third quarter on three consecutive plays. This was a simple miscommunication and not cowardice, as implied by Tony Siragusa during the television broadcast.

III. Steps for Improvement
I will continue to focus on learning the playbook, facing the correct direction, and throwing the football to members of the Receiving Department on the fly. Also, I will look into the recommendation of many Buccaneers fans that I pursue a real estate license in the off-season; I assume this will help me locate members of the Receiving Department more easily.

I look forward to receiving your reviews and serving the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club again next week.

Sincerely,
Bruce Gradkowski
Senior Quarterback Engineer - Quarterbacks Department
Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club

My interview with Denver's O-line

2006-12-16T12:24:00.000-05:00

For years, or maybe centuries, the Denver Bronco offensively line has ignored the media. In their silence, they speak volumes about what it means to play as the consummate unit, or something. I think it's cheesy; no reporter is clamoring to talk to the offensive line. Those guys are quirky.

Thanks to an unknown source that doesn't exist, NFL Hits scored an interview with the entire offensive line of the 2006 Denver Broncos of the National Football League of sports. Without further adieu, we give you Cooper Carlisle, George Foster, Ben Hamilton, Chris Kuper, Adam Meadows, Chris Myers, Tom Nalen and Erik Pears. Chris Kuper, Adam Meadows, Chris Myers, and Erik Pears couldn't be reached for comment.

NFL Hits: Welcome, fellas, how's the 2006 treating you.

Cooper Carlisle: Not well, not well at all. We've been inconsistent in the run, terrible in the pass, and 7-6 pleases no one.

George Foster: We suck a little, that's why this whole media thing is great. All the skill position players get the spotlight, and consequently the blame. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the corner acting like I know what the hell sudoku is.

NFL Hits: So is that the reason for keeping mum?

Ben Hamilton: Partly. We are basically holding out, like that pact on Seinfeld, and the first person that talks to the media has to play an entire game with an open tube of icy hot in their jock.

NFL Hits: I see.

Tom Nalen: I also appreciate the luxury of not answering questions about our supposed dirty play.

NFL Hits: Let's get to that. George, in 2004, you ended Bengals DT Tony Williams' season when your crackback block broke and dislocated his ankle. Of course, he wasn't looking. Any regrets about that?

GF: No. I said there were back then to alleviate tensions, but I'm not going to apologize now for the kind of player that I am. All teams do that, we just do it better.

TN: Yeah, much, much better. In fact, I'm writing a book about it. No book tour, though....media.

BH: One of the best things about it is taking on the Jason Taylors of the world, the bigger guys, that means more leg. I love me some legs that don't quit-

TN: Dude, what are you talking about?

BH: Jason Taylor's legs, what!?

TN: Do you understand yet why we don't talk to the media?

NFL Hits: I'm starting to. What about players, in and out of the league, talking about your dirty-

TN: SUPPOSED!

NFL Hits: Dirty play. Brian Cox has called you cowards, and Igor Olshansky recently called you wussies, incapable of running power plays that require smashmouth blocking. What is your response to that?

GF: Whatever, just wait until next time, we'll cut block him so hard his kids will need crutch-

TN: Uh, I think what he's trying to say is...I'm not sure. But, I don't apologize for what I did. It was a kneel down, and Igor made the slightest flinch. I thought he was going to rough up Jake, so I did my best to destroy his tibia. Fair trade, if you ask me, which you did.

BH: I would like to ask his parents if Igor is depressed.

CC: Is that a Winnie the Pooh reference? Why are you here?

BH: I missed the bus.

NFL Hits: Alex Gibbs, the line coach in Atlanta, is now spreading the techniques that you all have made so famous here. Are the aspects of line play he preached the primary reason Denver can just plug in any runningback and excel?

CC: Of course. I mean, Olandis Gary? We made that guy Robert Smith for a year, now he is selling real estate. Or crack, I forget which one.

GF: That's real nice, ass. But the truth is, you could plug Larry Flynt in our backfield and he'd probably average three yards a carry. After all, we were there when Ron Dayne got his career long. Don't tell me Ron Dayne had anything to do with it. That guy eats babies.

TN: Understand this. If we had Jim Brown in our backfield, he would have rushed for twelve miles. Only problem was the pass blocking we had to do for Elway, that selfish bastard. That's why I love Jake, no way in hell we pass too much. Now Jay is in and it's back to business with the stupid pass. I HATE FOOTBALL! But seriously, do you understand why we don't talk to the media?

NFL Hits: Most certainly, it's clear as day. One more question: You know Mark Schlereth, right? What trumps what: Your hatred of all media figures, or an ex-lineman turned scab. Do you catch up on memories gone by, or do you spit in his face?

CC: Spit

BH: Who is Mark Schle....sherleth....sherthlet....scerthelt?

TN: As the only one that really knows him, I felt betrayed when he joined the media. I told him, "You do this, and you have lost a friend, sir." Then he said, "My friend is this sweet paycheck for reading off a monitor, blow my gums, suckas." Then he walked off, and we haven't spoken since. No matter, though, I've set up a "Harold Reynolds" down at Bristol that could have Mister Schlereth on the unemployment line very soon.

NFL Hits: Seems harsh.

TN: I'll tell you what's harsh, seeing your brethren suckle the teet of the other side, that's what's harsh. It's like having your daughter date the punk down the street, sure he's cute, but we had something going, too. You just gonna throw that all away for some cheap thrills, Mark. Why Mark, why?

GF: Tom kind of equates this to Benidict Arnold.

TN: *Whimper*, turn the cameras off.

NFL Hits: That's okay. We're done here. I want to thank you-HEY, GET OFF MY LEGS.

BH: Sorry, couldn't help myself.

Back...and to the left. Back...and to the left.

2006-12-14T18:24:00.000-05:00

At roughly this point every season since 1999, I find myself with stabbing pains while I watch the fine National Football League product. My weekend NFL diet is injected with 3-5 minutes of gas about once per hour, causing my eyes to roll back and my GI tract to convulse.

What could cause me such heartburn? What pains my digestion so? First and foremost, I really need to stop throwing a can of cooked spinach, a can of artichoke hearts, and a brick of cream cheese into the microwave and calling it "spinach artichoke dip". Instead, I should perhaps call it "Colon Clog" and stop by Safeway for the natural antidote.

Second and more topically, I have long since lost all resistance to the scourge called "instant replay" and cannot protect myself against its disruptive forces. Instant replay interrupts the narrative flow of a ball game and destroys all semblance of what we've come to know as momentum for a dubious cause.

While I recognize there have been multiple attempts to minimize the delays caused by instant replay, here's what we've been left with:

A close call is made by one or more of 87 officials on the field, at least two of whom at any given moment is close enough to the action to have his spleen shoved into his sinus cavities by an inattentive player. After the team most aggrieved by this close call contacts his Committee on Throwing a Wimpy Red Flag on the Field of Play, that team's head coach then flings his jaunty ascot onto the field in a manner that causes the other officials to laugh and point derisively.

(Of course, head coaches always opted for the less-conspicuous beeper until that 'technology added to aid technology' failed, embarrassing the head coaches. Now they throw a scrap of cloth that could have been Carrie's prom panties. If I could poll head coaches under the influence of mythical truth serum, my first question would be thus: "Don't you wish you could just chuck that beeper at the back of the referee's head?")

The referee immediately bristles, as do we all, for we know we have to sit through five minutes of unbearable boredom. He trudges over to the head coach and asks, in his best maitre d' voice, "How may I help you, sir?" In previous instant replay incarnations, this would be where the head coach would relish his opportunity to force the referee to stand quietly while the head coach shamed the referee for 30 seconds in front of millions of eyes. Now the head coach realizes this fine fellow is the one to make the final decision and should be rewarded for his trouble with cookies and milk.

The referees then jogs 100 yards to the peep show booth set up just for him on the sideline. We used to then stare at his ass for 2-3 minutes, sprinkled with 4-5 replays of the play in question. Now we have two choices: 400 replays of the play in question until we're sure Kevin Costner is in the truck or the quick toss to commercial that makes ad executives rub their crotches involuntarily. I consider the latter the merciful viewer death. (I'd speak up for those with game tickets here, but not even the league gives a passing shit about them.)

When mercy is not on the menu, the broadcasters spend the first six replays deciding on the outcome of the play and the other 394 in a clumsy soft-shoe, trying to stretch time. Of course, broadcasters are often as wrong as the original call, but there are two primal fears for the broadcaster: dead time and more dead time.

In their defense, there is no action to let speak for itself during the Instant Replay Slow Death; they're trying their damnedest to prevent the network signal from losing any desire to transmit itself about halfway to the satellite and collapsing in despair into the ocean.

When the instant replay official has come to the best decision that will not lower his weekly grade from Uncle Mikey (the same criteria used to initiate the "official review" at the end of each half), he jogs back to the field so the camera can pick up this:

"The ruling on the field stands. Sorry for wasting the last five minutes of your finite existence on that bullshit. First down!"

I usually miss this part; unless it's a game I have a strong rooting interest in, I've changed the channel by now. At the very least, I'm off draining the Super Dragon.

I've never quite understood the desire for "the 'right' call" and for strong accuracy in officiating. In a game that openly acknowledges "a holding call could be made on any play" and "you could call pass interference on either guy there", it's clear officiating cannot approach perfection any time soon.

For the love of Pete, first down measurements are taken by two overweight midgets holding orange maypoles connected by a chain that wouldn't hold your dog in the yard. You wouldn't let them drive you to the airport; why the hell would you trust them with your trifecta wager each Sunday?

To sum up:

I want instant replay to contract cancer from syphilis acquired during an extended stay in prison for illegal rare egg collecting. After dozens of rounds of chemotherapy and radiation treatment that sap its will to live but then rebuilds that will, brick by emotional brick, I want instant replay to hear those magical words: "in remission."

I want instant replay to step out into the bright sunshine of the hospital front entrance and feel flooded with joy and love, as if a higher power is filling instant replay with its light and recharging instant replay's soul.

I want this to happen to instant replay, for this is the moment I want to step behind instant replay and put a bullet through its skull.

What about a new NFL ball?

2006-12-12T22:38:00.000-05:00

As a big fan of debacles, I love this idea. Detractors may protest, "Look what a new ball did for the NBA!" Au contraire, jerkfaces. Without talking too much about National Basketball, let me briskly outline the advantages of the new ball:

It got people talking

Ta-friggin'-da. Hmmm, what does the NFL need? THAT'S RIGHT, DWIGHT! They need to get people talking. I don't know how to talk to my friends about the NFL anymore. In fact, it shames me, what with the steroids....and the.....steroids. What better way to get folk'a chatterin' than totally screwing with the most important thing in the game! No silly, not instant replay, it's the ball!

I propose several dope ass changes. Since I have no background in journalism, let's list them:

- Three words: Polymers and shit. I have extensively studied organic chemistry instead of talking to girls for years now. The singular hallmark of my study is that polymers make things better. Polymers were there when we landed on the moon. Polymers were there when Russia landed on the moon. And polymers will be there when Zaire lands on the moon. If polymers are good enough for the moon, they are for damn sure good enough to be in NFL footballs.

- Goal line situation, 4th and 2, Ron Dayne gets the carry for an apparent touchdown. Did the ball cross the plane, though? Not sure? Why doesn't the NFL add little sensors in the ball that detect a goal line laser? I'll tell you why, they are scared of progress. The sensors necessitate a 5.6% increase in the ball's mass. I figure that's negligible.

- Tired of playing for Seattle and lacking the requisite skills to catch a football? How about we just cover the damn thing in tree sap before every game? We are still working the kinks out on that one, get back with us later in the week, Jerramy.

- Fumble too much, Frank Gore? Fumbles be damned. The NFL will install a string at both ends of the ball, so once it hits the ground, player X can just yo-yo that pesky sucker right back into his tummy. That's so gimmicky, even the XFL is on the phone.

- The NFL has notoriously curbed nearly every perceived defensive advantage regarding physical contact, including stricter scrutiny on holding and carte blanche roughing the passer calls. Should the ball be any different? The next time Brett Favre cocks back for an interception, rusty spikes shall protrude from the ball mid flight. Want a pick, Darren Sharper? Earn it....in blood.

- For kicks, change the color. I vote neon green.

- Put a camera in the ball for all to view the outside world. Envision the lightning fast revolutions as the ball spirals to a receiver. Now think of how much puking NFL fans would do! You'll be feeding the houseplants in no time, which is gross.

- I recently talked to an exec in my fantasy football league and he revealed that the NFL is actually trying to prohibit fair catches. Prohibition should be forceful, in my dumbass opinion. Therefore, if a would be return man dares lift his hand, the ball will activate a rocket that propels the ball to the exact inch adjacent to the goal line. That's right, adjacent. If the aforementioned return man runs under the ball upon completion of its new flightplan, the ball will explode and the game will be a forfeit. Don't defy the new ball, the NFL, or Zaire's space exploration program. You will pay.

I've outlined the ball's pros, ignored its cons, and threatened the common reader wondering "What the hell is this?" All we need to do now is get the new ball in stores.

Bears-Rams: Game Wrap-Up

2006-12-11T23:50:00.001-05:00

Looking back at my keen analysis of the Bears' performance during the game, I can safely say I have no fucking idea how well they'll play from hour to hour, much less week to week. However, the Bears can look forward to the following storylines in the morning:

Hey, how about those Bears? That Rex Grossman is pretty damned good! Told you so.

Hey, how about those Bears? Playing well against bad teams and putting off the inevitable quarterback change is just going to screw the Bears in the playoffs. Soon, I'll be saying, "I told you so."

You are welcome to be bored by the status quo above. Instead, remember the heart rate spikes provided by Devin Hester and the soul-separating hits by the Bears defense. For all their faults, the Bears will be awfully exciting to watch this January. See you all there.

(Except you, St. Louis. Ciao.)

Bears-Rams: Fourth Quarter Action

2006-12-11T23:07:00.000-05:00

Another pounding series of runs; another touchdown. The Raiders ought to inquire about the availability of Joe Fan to be offensive coordinator next weekend. (Take the job, Joe Fan; the Raiders are playing the Rams.) Anyone with an early morning tomorrow is dismissed with the blog's thanks. 35-13 Bears.

Update #1: The Bears are beaten again on another long drive, but to what extent? What does it *mean*, dammit?

I don't know; I didn't bet the points. 35-20 Bears.

Update #2: When you watch Devin Hester's second TD of the night tomorrow morning, watch how casually he begins his run. It's fait accompli. He just knows and, as we watch, we just know. Those first two steps looked like my first dozen or so in the gym each morning. He trudged, I swear it. Then the third step hits and his hips shimmy to life and you just *know* you're scoring tonight and it's only a matter of time.

I need a moment. 42-20 Bears.

Update #3: The Bears defense is already standing in the security line at Lambert. 42-27 Bears.

Bears-Rams: Third Quarter Action

2006-12-11T22:35:00.000-05:00

The Bears do their best imitation of the Rams offense, biting off chewable portions and jamming the ball into the end zone via Thomas Jones. 21-13 Bears.

Why Joe Fan Thinks He Can Run a Professional Football Offense, Reason #49823749:

Tony: "Joe, what did the Bears change at halftime? What did they adjust?"
Joe: "'We're giving the ball to Thomas.'"
Tony: "That's it? It's as simple as that?"
Joe Fan: "Yer goddamned right. I've been sayin' that for weeks. *scratch* *fart*"

Update #1: That was the hardest damned throw I've seen on a screen pass since early Favre. I hate myself for thinking it.

Update #2: Don't be shocked it's a Chicago crowd, Tony; none of the coverage remotely implies you know you're in St. Louis. Also, Muhsin Muhammad has my favorite crossover move of any Chicago athlete at the moment. 28-13 Bears.

Update #3: Bears fans, repeat after me: The Rams are the 26th best pass defense and the 29th best run defense, according to DVOA.

Bears-Rams: Second Quarter Action

2006-12-11T21:26:00.000-05:00

After a quarter, it appears nothing has changed for the Bears. They're crushing the running game and the trained viewer can taste the first Rams turnover. Grossman is wild and uncertain, questioning every move he makes.

The Rams put together an impressive drive in both results and method. It was unrelenting without being overwhelming; it was the waterboarding of offensive football.

Naturally, the Rams muff the extra point to avoid appearing fully competent. It's 6-0 Rams.

Before I can even notify you of the yeoman's work by the Rams, Devin Hester throws the Bears on his broad, supple shoulders and carries the team out of the fire. I've always had the sense that special teams touchdowns were more chance than skill, but he's rolling hard sevens quite a bit this season, bless his soul. 7-6 Bears.

Update #1: I'd like a mulligan on my opening paragraph, please. The Rams are persistently scraping a few yards here and there, making the Bears defense look bad in aggregate if not in highlight. Stephen Jackson is far too big to be that fast, but there he goes yet again. 14-6 Rams.

The Bears are Mike Tyson, hopeless without the quick knockout; the Rams are now Julio César Chávez, fighting well above their weight.

Update #2:
Tony: "So you're a Bears fan. How's that goin' for you?"
Jim: "My life is a lie."
Joe: "heh heh. You're a funny guy."
Mike: "So what's happening this year on the wildly popular 'According to Jim'?"
Jim: "I want to die, but I'm too chickenshit to swallow a handgun."
Tony: "Would you leave Rex Grossman in? huh? Take a stand, Belushi."
Jim: "Please push me out of the booth."
Joe: "heh heh. Funny guy."
Tony: "Super Bowl? What do you think?"
Jim: "Oh God, it hurts so much."

Update #3: Theesman makes a cogent analysis of the touchdown pass from Grossman to Berrian, pointing out that the Grossman of previous weeks would have held the ball a moment or two longer and muffed the play. I believe Theesman is correct, though I'd be wary to declare the patient cured. Thank you for doing your job, though, Joe. Keep up the good work. 14-13 Bears.

Update #4: Theesman then makes a clean call on the Bulger sack, making it clear it's not a "coverage sack" but a quarterback that needs to let slip the dogs of war a wee bit earlier. He manages to do all this in the few seconds before the next play.

Dear Tripod Flashlight Aliens,

You can keep the old Theesman.

Thanks,
Tuffy

Update #5: Hey, look! Grossman turns it over!

No one will be seated during the thrilling instant replay review. Jab my eyes out with a Buick.

Update #6: The last update never happened. Until it happens again.

Update #7: The teams lurch back and forth in a pitiable imitation of a two-minute offense, dragging out the game to a painful crawl. The score remains 14-13 Bears and I will see you all on the other side of a peanut butter and banana sammich.

Bears-Rams: First Quarter Action

2006-12-11T20:52:00.000-05:00

For those of you outside the greater Chicago area, please let me be the first and the loudest to disavow Jim Belushi as a beloved Chicagoan. He's an embarrassment of the first order; his career is predicated on getting his name in the credits to confuse the slow-witted into thinking the talented one is alive and kicking.

He's hitched himself to the local sports teams to keep his Q rating up and his positives solid, but it only shows him as an ingratiating hanger-on; if it were Chicago's call, we'd offer him a reality show that forces him to live in an apartment with Cathy Smith until one of them is dead. He'd sign it because he's a whore.

The game so far has the feel of two heavyweight fighters feeling each other out. Unfortunately, those metaphorical fighters are George Foreman and Evander Holyfield.

Update #1: Maybe Michael Vick and Rex Grossman should line up in the same backfield.

As running backs. Or perhaps groundskeepers.

St. Louis fans are still working the D-fence sign; they haven't even received the memo about the Off-fence sign. That's refreshing in a delightfully Midwestern way.

Update #2: A Bears fan in the crowd is sporting the bright orange abomination jersey, #54-style. I'm pretty sure he's married and that his wife is cheating on him as we speak with his best friend. It's deserved.

Grossman makes another wild throw while in the grasp of a defender and is not chided in the least by the announcing crew. "Stood tall." "Avoided the sack." "Can only remember an object exists as long as I can see it."

Why do I enjoy a well-placed punt so? Is it the strategic advantage? The delusion that even a slow white guy like me could do that if I just practiced for a month or two? I just do. I love a 7 second hangtime punt within the 2. (Needless to say, this game has yet to catch fire.)

Bears-Rams: Pre-Game "Action"

2006-12-11T19:46:00.000-05:00

I may have said something snide at one point about quarterback controversies in general and the Bears' "conundrum" in particular. I don't have any patience for repetition and mundanity, which this particular canard usually offers.

I have to admit, though, that I've been forced to reconsider my position on the specific case of Rexy or not to Rexy. Who forced me to step back and examine my life choices?

Who else? Saint Jaws of Philadephia.

"“He’s out of control,” Jaworski said. “He’s having a hard time differentiating aggressiveness from stupidity.” I asked about the Bears offensive scheme, and Jaworski pointed out several plays that were designed to give Grossman an easy read and boost his confidence. Even on these relatively simple plays, Grossman made mistakes. “Right now, Ron Turner is calling plays not to attack the defense, but to try to get Grossman comfortable,” he said."

Again, let me be clear: wiser and smarter men than me are considering the issue, none of whom appear on my television in an earring and/or tie. However, I will be watching Mr. Grossman's composure with greater countenance this evening. It's a damned shame there's no one available to help me with that during the telecast.

Enough, now, about the horse beaten so badly that no message board could save it. I ask you to turn your gaze southwest ever so slightly and consider the St. Louis Rams. They're 5-7 and have been outscored by 45 points. I can tell you no more about this team as a casual fan because they have committed the Cardinal sin of sports: they're dull.

I don't say that to be snide or sarcastic. (Who are we kidding? Of course I do.) However, I'd also like to be wrong. Mike Martz is in his death throes with another team. The league forced the Rams to take on Denzel Washington's son to shine just the slightest wattage on the team for Monday Night Football.

I present the worst sentence you can say to a Rams fan tonight. Bears fans, use this gift judiciously for you are not too far removed from the shame of blandness:

"Hey, didn't he used to be Isaac Bruce?"

Update #1: Oh, Rachel honey...you've got more roots showing than a tree after a tornado.

Update #2: Senator Barack Obama: Taped open. I'm not sure if you're aware, but this man will be our next Bobby Kennedy. Prepare for it. Wish for it.

Jim Belushi fetches the helmet. More on Belushi later.

Is ESPN aware the game is being played in St. Louis? Hell, I did a double-take after the open when the first field shot was indoors.

The Pursuit of Crappiness

2006-12-10T23:53:00.000-05:00

Right, nobody thought of that one. The Pessimist's Week Fourteen Breakdown:

New Orleans 42, Dallas 17- Something had to give: America's new team from America's abandoned city versus America's QB playing for America's old team. The word "America" four times in one sentence? I might as well be Patrick Henry up in here.

Thus continues the protege defeating the master series: Mangini over Belichick, Payton over Parcells, Crennel over Shell. Never mind, that last one was for eating contests. Fat jokes make the world go round.

What happened in this game, you demand? Eh, find out for yourself. Of note: Al Michaels dropping a "WHAT THE HELL WAS HOUSTON THINKING?!" after Reggie Bush scored a TD. How about a little professionalism? Since when is it in your job description, no matter if right or wrong, to trash personnel moves? That being said, what the hell was Houston thinking, question mark, exclamation point.

Miami 21, New England 0- Nick Saban is just the best when your season is over. Once the Dolphins hit six losses, look out, because they are going to tear ass through an 8-8 firestorm. If the NFL had a strike during the first half of the year, the '78 Dolphins would be sweating napalm.
Tom Brady supposedly yelled at a fan during this game. That's so cute.

Buffalo 31, New York 13- With a New England loss....Buffalo could move to within two games with a win!! The AFC East is where football goes to die.

Cincinnati 27, Oakland 10- Are there any references on how good the Raiders defense would be if they were opposite a functional offense? My guess is no, no one is that bored.

Don't look now, the Bengals are 8-5. Actually they want you to look. They always want you to look....in the crime section.

Tennessee 26, Houston 20- Titans at 6-7? Their defense is still pretty bad, but Vince Young might as well be ROY. Most of those big runs are on third down, the "money" down as perverts like to put it.

Really, Houston, what the h-e-double hockey sticks were you thinking, bold exclamation point.

San Diego 48, Denver 20- Fun fact about Denver: Starting the past four years 5-1 means nothing. After that, those silly Broncos have gone just 20-18. Don't ever speak to me about starting the season on a high note, I will punch your grandmother.

Fun fact about Phillip Rivers: His job. The highest scoring offense does not even concern the wide receivers? You got it, Rivers just throws (lobs) it to Antonio Gates in the high post. Then there's this guy named Ladainian Tomlinson. HE'S PRETTY GOOD, ahahaha

That never gets old, when announcers go "yeah, there's also this guy named LT.....he's pretty darn good.....he's been known to get a touchdown or two" AHAHAHA, I get it! You do the tongue-in-cheek stick.

If announcers had balls, they would get crazy with it: "Gods of the cosmos, it's Ladainian Tomlinson, bring your first born to his grand sacrifice as we kneel down before the greatest of all individuals and ritualize his Holiness in all that we do. He gallops like the graceful gazelle and possesses the sheer power of several bison. I am not subservient enough to his heiness, so I will now shove a flamethrower down my throat. All hail Chief Tomlinson."

Good question! Yes, I am a bitter Bronco fan. You go to hell, Houston.

Packers vs. 49ers

2006-12-10T12:45:00.000-05:00

Here are two teams that suck pretty much equally, having had similar 2006 seasons thus far. It looks like it's going to be a cold and wet no-fun zone at Monster Park today.

Coach McCarthy gets the pleasure of facing the team for which he was offensive coordinator last year, helping lead the 49ers to a sad, sad 4-12 record. Will the Packers see the same fate this year? Do they have another win left in them? Coach said this weekend that he did learn a few things from Mike Nolan while there, and he tries to incorporate some of those ideas in Green Bay. Collective sigh.

What's a p...p..pass rush?

Before this three-game losing streak, the Packers were sacking the crap out of quarterbacks and producing the kind of consistent pass rush that actually made a difference. They had 31 sacks through the first nine games, an average of roughly 3.5 per outing. During weeks 7 through 10, Green Bay won three of four games and clobbered four different quarterbacks seventeen times, including nemesis Brad Johnson.

That's a lot of grass in your face. One of Green Bay's goals for today is to force Alex Smith into quick-release mode before being pummeled to the ground. On the other hand, look for Brett to be sacked at least three times while his offensive line is called offside a dozen more.

Frank Gore Invented The Internets

With 1,217 rushing yards this season (an insane 5.5-yard-per-carry avg.), Gore is the #1 back in the NFC and is third in the NFL behind LaDainian Tomlinson, who has 1,324 coming into Sunday, and of course, Larry Johnson with 1,312 yards. Watch Green Bay's definition of a run defense try to stop Gore later this afternoon.

First Quarter Update: Packers 7, 49ers 3.

After a 72-yard run by Frank Gore, San Francisco had to settle for a 24-yard field goal. Green Bay answered with a 36-yard pass by Brett Favre to Ruvell Martin in the end zone. Gore then loses his league-leading 6th fumble of the season, heading into the second quarter.

Halftime Update: Packers 17, 49ers 6.

After recovering Gore's fumble, the Pack get just a field goal after 2 incompletes to Greg Jennings and Donald Driver. Alex Smith throws a bunch of incomplete passes then Favre hands off to Ahman Green for a 1-yard touchdown. Smith throws a few more incompletes and the 49ers settle for a 36-yard field goal. Favre was sacked with 11 seconds remaining in the half and the ball was recovered by Brandon Moore, but the clock ran out for some reason and everyone walked off the field.

Third Quarter Update: Packers 24, 49ers 13.

Smith finally started completing short passes, the important one being to Gore for his 6th TD of the year. But Nick Collins picks off Smith at the GB 26, then Favre fires a 68-yard pass to Driver at the SF 33 before DoubleD managed to avoid being tackled for 33 yards and a touchdown. Green Bay will have the ball at the start of the fourth.

Game Recap: Packers 30, 49ers 19

Brett Favre can still have fun out there.

He passed for 293 yards, leading the Packers in victory to snap a three-game losing streak while bringing their record to 5-8. Terrible. Just as awful as San Fran's present three game losing streak and 5-8 record.

Identical, if you will.

But if the Packers can make it past BJ, John Kitna and Rex Grossman, they can finish at dead even. I have a sneaking suspicion that sounds a lot easier than it's going to be for them.

Mike Nolan's suit was pretty snappy, but it wasn't enough to keep his shame from seeping out of the collar. Alex Smith was 12 of 29 for 201 yards and two picks, facing constant harassment. Vernon Davis turned a short pass into a late 52-yard touchdown, while Gore rushed for 130 yards with a TD, falling short of stopping the Cheese.

The NFC's 6-6 quagmire is the damndest thing

2006-12-09T01:44:00.000-05:00

"Losers, all of them"

And it begins. The NFC playoff picture is about as clear as this photo of former Heisman Trophy winner Chris Weinke, who incidentally has had that same hairline since he was six. Weinke will man the 6-6 Panthers as they host the 6-6 Giants in a colossal epic of mediocre proportions. The Giants have QB problems of their own: one can plainly see Eli Manning is frustrated with each "dad gummit," "carn sarnit" and "shit" he utters. Plus, Jared Lorenzen beats everyone to the post game spread. That's frustrating, NFL players need their cheese logs. Don't worry though, Tom Coughlin was brought in to fix things.....two years ago.

An inkling has me leaning toward a Giants' victory in this one. If I may point out the reason why:

(Hint: The picture)

Thank you

Meanwhile, fulfilling the NFL's lifelong promise to shove parody down your throat, enter the 6-6 Falcons and Eagles. Two teams that were in the conference title game two years ago are in no shape to do the same this year. Both teams are rampant with injuries. Nonetheless, they have maintained and remain in contention. So how does one sort through this 6-6 quandary, ultimately choosing two teams to make the playoffs?

No one cares.

Fact is, there are three perfectly decent 8-4 teams (New Orleans, Dallas, Seattle) chomping at the bit to grind said losers to a fine pulp. However, this is an NFL blog and I'm plum out of ideas within the first week, leaving me no choice but to make the picks. Here goes nothing:

Carolina Panthers- Wow, way to discover the running game....thirteen weeks into the season. The QB problems are well-documented, and hurt this team as much as anything, but there is more to worry about. Corner play has been shaky lately with Richard Marshall in the lineup, as evidenced by the pounding Jeff Garcia put on their asses. Poor choice of words? DE Julius Peppers has only three sacks in the last five games, after starting with eight in the first six. Although the pressure is still there, it must get better for the Panthers to make a playoff push.

I don't think they make it. Games at Atlanta, against NYG, and at New Orleans are too much for a team at flux with their QB situation and with a considerably inconsistent offense.

Update #None: Is that the proper way to use the word "flux"? Sorry, at my school all dictionaries were burned. It's the South.

New York Giants- Don't make it.

This one's simple. The New York Giants just want the nightmare to end. Tiki wants to do the Morning Latte. Brandon Jacobs wants to start. Amani Toomer wants to...not be injured? Jeremy Shockey wants to fascinate you. Eli Manning wants to advertise for your company. Tom Coughlin wants to grind his teeth until he's "Ole Gummy Tom." Plaxico Burress wants to quit.

All I've been taught is that quitters never win. That's why I'm never quitting Oxycontin and vodka. You take me for a loser?

Philadelphia Eagles- Make it. Why? Process of Elimination.

I will take to the grave my firm belief that Brian Westbrook makes this team click even more so than McNabb. He is one of the game's biggest threats, along with steroids. Haha, zing!

Their schedule is debatable as far as difficulty. They certainly control their own destiny with games against the Giants and Falcons. I'm starting to rethink this but it's currently 3:30 AM and I'm running on fumes....of joy.

Atlanta Falcons- This is why I laugh when former players say there should be more teams allotted for the postseason. How many 8-8 teams do we have to stomach before this no longer becomes an issue?

Atlanta is in because they will be getting healthier as the season goes along. Plus, Michael Vick appears to have finished his meltdown and is ready to throw to his tepid receivers once again. Maybe we can even overlook the fact that he is a coach killer. See that, linked to my own blog. I'm awesome.

In summary, the Panthers finish 7-9, losing to NYG, ATL, and NO. The Giants finish 8-8, defeating Carolina and Washington and losing to Philly and NO. Philly finishes 8-8, beating Washington and New York while losing to Dallas and Atlanta. Atlanta ends at the best record of 9-7, losing only to Dallas.

The tiebreaker makes me nauseous. Under my convoluted scenario, Philly and NY would have the same division record, which is the default tiebreaker if teams split head-to-head. Then it's common opponents, which will also be tied. Then it's the win-loss in conference games. TIED AGAIN. Finally, it's strength of schedule. Oh great, Giants have a higher strength of schedule. IT'S ALL RUINED.

Skip Bayless Proclaims Something We Already Knew...

2006-12-08T11:35:00.000-05:00

So, today being a lazy Friday for me, I'm actually awake watching Cold Pizza. I know, you wouldn't force your worst enemy to that show, but I digress.

Skip finally said what America is thinking, "I guess God doesn't like me right now, because it seems he's opening the way for the Cowboys to go to the Super Bowl for the NFC." Skip, I hate to tell you this... But we already knew that God hated you and your douchebag ways.

Now before everyone thinks that I'm hating on Skip entirely, I'm not. I'm just saying that Skip is a poster child on third trimester abortions. For someone who's a graduate of the University of Vanderbilt and be a bigger douchebag than half of the alumni that came from the university, with the exception of Joe Bob Briggs, my God, take a break, Skippy.

Before I finish this article, I'll touch on Skip's points on why he thinks God really does hate him and loves the Tuna.

- The Giants imploded on themselves
- Parcells hasn't thrown T.O. to the Mexicans, yet...
- The Panthers are relying on Chris Weinke
- The Saints are playing without Colston, Horn, or anyone else not named Reggie
- The Bears lost Tommie Harris and still have Rex at QB

While all valid points, they aren't the gospel, Skip. Maybe you should accept this one commandment while you're waiting on your idea of Hell, which is probably Dallas winning the 6th Lombardi Trophy in team history and the most in NFL history.

Thou shalt not be a douchebag.

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Fourth Quarter Action

2006-12-07T22:40:00.000-05:00

The fourth quarter starts with Romeo Crennel sucking on an oxygen mask and demanding no one look at him. The NFL Network provides 12 angles of this.

Update #1: Derek Anderson clanks a three from 35 feet/yards, sending rumbles throughout the crowd. It's still 38-24 Browns. Bryant and Cris will not shut the fuck up about the Bills game. Yes, it's been a nice little display and yes, I hope the game actually becomes close, but let's not all start sucking ea...

Wait! Is...is that Super John Kuhn's music?

God, I hope not; I think they're playing Xanadu. Who let Bryant pick the in-house music tonight?

Update #2: A PLACE WHERE NOBODY DARED TO GO; THE LOVE THAT WE CAME TO KNOW, THEY CALL IT SUPER JOHN KUUUUUUUHN....

Super John Kuhn scores again from 14 yards after another tightly wound drive by the Steelers. He's not juking the socks off anyone; he's just...I don't know. If I had TiVo, maybe I could pause the game and see that it's Scott Bakula under the helmet and Dean Stockwell is on the sideline. For now, though, it appears he's just running and the Browns have decided they've met their quota for tackling white guys this evening.

Steelers fans have started growing new Franco Harris mustaches in anticipation of this new hero in the making. Needless to say, the women are ahead of the men at the first furlong.

Update #3: Oh, hey...how are you folks without NFL Network enjoying this game? Just curious.

Update #4: During the lull when nobody scores for 30 Goddamned seconds, I've had a bit of time to check on Super John Kuhn. Apparently, he nearly set quite a few records at Shippensburg U, most of them involving academics. He's also a local boy by PA standards; he grew up 220 miles away. I believe he could walk there from the stadium without a Cleveland defender touching him right now.

Update #5: Naturally, as soon as I start pumping the boy up, he fails to get a first down on fourth-and-inches and the Browns get the ball at the Steelers 47 with 5:30 left. Running out of time, boys...

Update #6: Wow, this HD is great; I can even hear Derek Anderson's sphincter tighten up. He fumbles the ball while holding it out in front of him and making the mating call for the defensive lineman ("I WET 'EM, SIR"). Romeo Crennel just looked down the sideline for Ken Dorsey, who was sprinting back into the locker room to look for his cajones.

Update #7: Ken finds the Cleveland defense trying to catch the ending of Snow Day. Do the adults get what's coming to them? How will they ever know?

Update #8: Hines Ward, we didn't forget about you; don't be jealous. You can have this TD pass from Ben (whose last name I have not yet bothered trying to master). We still love you. 38-31 Browns, 4:03 left. Tick tock.

Update #9: NOW Cowher doesn't kick the ball onsides, proving that coaches make all their late-game decisions using the Magic 8 Ball.

Update #10: Three and out from Derek Anderson in his last game as a professional. Hey, maybe you could try hockey next...

Update #11: I muted White Chocolate; I can't take the Bills talk anymore.

Update #12: Little girls all across Pittsburgh will be taking out construction paper, spreading glue on it, and sprinkling glitter all over it. The message will be clear when the glitter is brushed away: "I HEART SUPER JOHN!"

As a change of pace, Ben *throws* a touchdown pass to Super John from 4 yards out. Romeo has lost control of his considerable bowels and is screaming to Harvey, his invisible rabbit, that someone should really put a fucking body on that fucking white boy.

Roughly speaking. And his name is Super John and he once pulled a tractor off his father using his bare hands. It is a motherfucking tie, 38-38, :37 left. I may loose my own bowels unintentionally.

Update #13: Sorry about the bowels thing.

Update #14: Bill Cowher has spent nearly 15 years as the Steelers head coach. He has a Super Bowl ring so new that he has spilled almost no mustard on it. His team is out of playoff contention.

This must be the security behind GOING FOR THE FUCKING ONSIDE KICK WITH :35 LEFT IN THE GAME! ack. I fear I have lost control of my Caps Lock key. I DON'T CARE! SUPER FUCKING JOHN RECOVERS IT! I didn't even notice he was still playing special teams, too. Is he working concessions? Calling the camera shots? Selling season tickets?

Oh, he's selling season tickets.

Update #14: There's not enough frozen water in the Fortress of Solitude to ice Jeff Reed tonight. I don't care that he has both sucked and blown this year. Y'know what? He could make it from his living room right now.

Update #15: ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

aaahahahahahahaahhaahahahahaha.

Jeff Reed bounces it off the inside of the right upright from 39 yards out to win the game. Pittsburgh may not sleep for two days. I may sleep enough for all of them. Someone let me know if Super John catches a bullet in his hand in the post-game interviews. I'm spent and the sheets are unusually moist. Good night, you kids.

(Oh, and Cleveland? Last week, I reached out to Carolina fans crushed by a difficult loss. For you? Call Ontario to cry.)

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Third Quarter Action

2006-12-07T22:06:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Three Mile Island. Please don your protective gear and move to the safety area until further notice. Thank you.

Apparently, Bill Cowher has less confidence in Super John Kuhn as he has come out throwing in the second half. (Of course, that may have a lot to do with being down 38-3.) Ben has stitched together 5 straight passes to quietly move the ball downfield. I'm guessing the Cleveland secondary is a bit distracted by their post-game plans.

Update #1: Super John Kuhn shows a little cape over one shoulder. On his first carry, he steams to a 57-yard touchdown run that had very little to do with beauty and everything to do with functionality. Cleveland's run defense consisted of light strips and a clearance to land. Bryant gets Kuhn's name correct, probably because he can relate to a stiff white guy succeeding. 38-10 Browns. Let the healing begin.

Update #2: A few mechanical beeps can be heard from Metaphor Hospital's ICU as Pittsburgh succeeds at an onside kick. Fans are pausing briefly at the turnstiles and glancing back at the concession stand televisions to consider their next move.

Update #3: Their next move is to step the concession stand for a cup of courage, down it, buy another, and then slip back into their seats. Super John Kuhn pulls the whole cape out and takes his *next* carry 54 yards to La casa gol. (Two years of high school Spanish. Can you believe it?) I believe Gumbel showed a pulse and Collinsworth has predicted a victory for the Steelers. I suspect both are kidding, but youneverknow. 38-17 Browns.

Update #4: If the smell of sulphur is overpowering, Bill, stay away from the well. The Browns were quite ready for the onside kick this time. Bill Frist has stopped his vigil on Gumbel and Collinsworth is trying to explain the playoff possibilities for the Browns. I'm only half-listening, but I believe it involves getting Ontario to annex Ohio and absorbing the Browns into the CFL.

Needless to say, I'm open to this suggestion.

Update #5: Apparently, Derek Anderson has been replaced by Eric Snow, the only guard slower than him in the NBA. That must explain how he was caught from behind by Casey Hampton on a scramble. The ball is then pulled into Casey's gravitational pull. The game is delayed a few minutes as the Jaws of Life are called in. Fumble; recovered by the Steelers.

Update #6: Super John Kuhn carries the ball for a 6 yard gain but does not score a touchdown. A call goes out for a young priest and an old priest.

Update #7: Ben's head spins around three times and he finds Hines Ward on a hook and go for a 47 yard touchdown. Cleveland's defensive coordinator is called down from the booth and sent into the locker room to make sure his players made it out on the field after halftime. 38-24 Browns.

Update #8: The Cleveland defense is found watching Snow Day. Oh, those kids with their hijinks...

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Second Quarter Action

2006-12-07T20:57:00.000-05:00

I had an inspirational bit here. It was a message of hope for Pittsburgh fans. It was a message of joy. It was a window to the soul through which Steelers fans could envision both inner beauty and a comeback.

Then Dennis Northcutt ran back the punt for a TD. 21-0 Browns.

I had a beautiful bit here. It was a message of hope for Pittsburgh fans. It was a message of joy. It was a window to the soul through which Steelers fans could envision both inner beauty and a comeback.

Then Dennis Northcutt ran back the punt for a TD. 21-0 Browns.

Update #1: Okay, I stepped away for a few minutes to clean and tend to my cat. What did I miss?

Oh. Oh, I see.

Congratulations to the Browns on their field goal, running TD, and 62 yard punt.

Condolences to the Steelers for their fumble and 24 yard field goal. 31-3 Browns.

Hey, Pittsburgh, did I mention tonight is Test Pattern Night on WPCW? Why don't you flip over now and check that out? I hear Cris Collinsworth doesn't tell you why your quarterback can't change his own diaper on that station. He certainly doesn't present a wonderful series of play breakdowns to illustrate said point over there.

Update #2: Najeh Davenport just limped off the field with the assistance of the training staff at the two-minute warning.

uhm.

Hey! Look! A shiny thing!

Bryant Gumbel calls him "No-Date Davenport," I think. What's the prep work like, Bryant? Do you read the rosters of *both* teams? Very thorough of you.

Update #3: Bill Cowher appears to have just remembered how he lost his favorite stuffed animal, Pilly the caterpillar, when he was 7 and the sudden realization of just how much Pilly meant to him may crush his soul.

Or he may have glanced down the depth chart and seen Super John Kuhn from Sarsaparilla State as his sole remaining running back. Jerome Bettis, please pick up a white courtesy phone. Jerome Bettis...

Update #4: Bets will be taken for the next 60 seconds on Gumbel calling Kuhn "Bowie".

Okay then. That's positive; Bill has the confidence in Dan Kreider to hand off to him inside the 20 with 1:37 left in the half.

Of course, Dan fumbles it to Brodney Pool, who runs it back 87 yards for a touchdown. Still, it's good to see Bill had confidence in the veteran.

(Pittsburgh fans, don't read the rest of this post.)

38-3 Browns.

Update #5: Super John Kuhn, special teams god, gets the handoff from Ben and manages to come out both alive and in possession of the ball. The parade for Kuhn starts at noon tomorrow in front of Heinz Field.

Halftime from a merciful and benevolent higher being. I will be away at half, answering suicide prevention hotline calls from the 412 area code.

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: First Quarter Action

2006-12-07T20:25:00.000-05:00

Alright, let's get this underwhelming party started. Pittsburgh is 5-7 but has (barely) outscored their opponents, leaving them just a bit of good luck away from mediocrity; Cleveland is 4-8 and hoping the third point guard from the Heat can pull them through again.

For those of you not in an institutional setting, you may also wish to consider these possibilities:

My Name Is Earl is doing a one-hour special on measuring the annoyance of Leguizamo against the chest of Pressley.
Smallville has Allison Mack and others I kinda notice near her.
Uhm...TBS has the Chris Elliott vehicle Snow Day.

You get the idea.

Update #1: ....and that didn't take long. Nice assist from Derek to Kellen Winslow for the bucket and the foul on the third play from scrimmage. Give me a second to get my nachos and beer and find my seat again, would you, Derek? 7-0 Browns.

Update #2: Ben? Honey? Do you feel alright? D'Qwell Jackson isn't on the practice squad; he's a Cleveland Brown. I tell you what; I'll introduce you two once he comes back from that hideous touchdown dance he's doing. Very quickly, 14-0 Browns.

Update #3: With just a couple minutes left in the first quarter, Willie Parker was just sent to brain bruise land by Willie McGinest on a third and short. He was out long enough to visit Narnia but not long enough to join an actual Crusade. (We joke because we love; also, I waited until he sat up on his own and asked for a lollipop.)

During this very long delay, we find out two things about the NFL Network: one, they want sooze and the rest of you to think they're CSI because they've shown the blow graphically enough that I may need to call a loved one to sit with me and ensure I don't go to sleep for 6 hours. Two, Bryant Gumbel thought the starting running back was Lewis Parker. Hey, Bryant, Pittsburgh wishes.

Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Pre-Game "Action"

2006-12-07T19:43:00.000-05:00

Hello and welcome to beautiful Pittsb...did we hire a new fact checker? Yes? Okay...welcome to beautiful Pittsburgh, where NFL Hits gets its first taste of White Chocolate, Gumbel and Collinsworth. (Yes, Cris would be the more urban of the two.)

The Cleveland-Pittsburgh matchup always tickles me for its "mud and the blood and the beer" atmosphere and one of my earliest football memories. Rich relatives from eastern OH and western PA visited one prepubescent fall many moons ago. Both uncles declared they needed to see The Game (CLE-PIT) and left the women folk (their wives and their wives' sisters) to abscond to the nearest bar. This was no small trick in a dry town, but they were resolute.

Looking at me and glancing over my shoulder to see the hen party they were fleeing, pity was taken on a young man and I was abducted. Mind you, I'd never been to a bar before. This was a wild new world, full of ginger ale and TV screens bigger than any I'd seen outside of a theme park.

In reality, this was a shitty pitch-black dive bar whose main advantage was being the closest one with the game on that would let a little kid in. What did I care, though?

Each uncle jostled the other throughout the game until Cleveland pulled it out at the end. Even that detail would be fuzzy if the winning uncle hadn't dropped his well-worn $2 Browns ballcap on my head at the end.

I remembered what I needed to, though: all good things this day came because of The Game, which was celebrated by Men. I've switched drinks and company since, but the truth remains.

As I grew older and more sophisticated about sports, I noticed those uncles weren't really much into sports. Perhaps they were casual fans of the respective teams, but they didn't seem to be hardcore by any stretch. How could these two men be the ones to deliver the truth?

Years later, I found that ratty old Browns hat while packing for college. I pulled it on for old time's sake and noticed the rancid smell of sweat, something I never associated with this man. I pulled the hat off to examine it further. Inside, I noticed one of my uncle's friends name written in marker. Who brings their friend's Browns hat cross-country for a family tr...

...and the last tumbler clicked. My uncles may be many things, but they are not to be underestimated. They knew the trip would be clogged with their wives and their wives' sisters cackling and formulated an escape plan worthy of Steve McQueen and Sir Richard Attenborough, packing the borrowed cap as a MacGuffin and grabbing the younger me as a human shield/"good experience for the kid". My Browns' hat off to you, sirs; well met, indeed.

I just missed the pre-game show (aw shucks); we'll jump right into game coverage in a moment.

McCarthy Promises Change

2006-12-06T12:21:00.000-05:00

McCarthy's team didn't look so good during their 38-10 loss to the Jets on Sunday. In fact, they looked like crap. At halftime, the Jets were up 31-0 and the Packers had allowed 340 yards and 22 first downs, after allowing 100 points in the previous 10 quarters.

McCarthy says changes will be made, but the 4-8 Pack don't have a lot of options. He has says he won't fire [defensive coordinator] Bob Sanders - at least not during the season, and won't make any drastic changes to the starting lineup or the coaching staff.

Then what, pray tell, do you plan to do, Coach McCarthy?

"We will be looking at opportunities. You have only so many options, and we are looking into them. I'm not trying to be naive. I'm not trying to skirt the issue here. But I'm also not getting pinned down in 'You said this,' Okay? So that's where we are right now. Trust me, the coaches know exactly how I feel [pissed] about their role in it and their responsibility to get this thing turned around."

Okaaaaay then.

In McCarthy's defense, Green Bay has by far the youngest team in the league, with 28 of the 53 players on the roster having two years of experience or less. Exactly where the Packers are at isn't pretty. They have lost three straight games and haven't even come close to being competitive in two of them. That sucking sound can be heard equally as loud on offense as on defense.

In other Green Bay News: Former Notre Dame quarterback Carlyle Holiday was claimed by the Packers off waivers Tuesday from the Arizona Cardinals. The 6-foot-2, 217-pound Holiday replaced wide receiver Chris Francies, who was released the same day. Holiday played four games with the Cardinals this season and made two starts, catching zero passes. So, the outlook is sunny for him as well.

LT on Leno...RIGHT NOW....with dennis miller

2006-12-06T00:22:00.000-05:00

I think Jay introduced him as "Ladaimian" Tomlinson. What did we(I) learn?

- LT slept with a football for a time in his younger years. He added that he didn't have a girlfriend at the time. I added puke.

- Jay Leno's mother hit him with a pan. LT couldn't run away from his mother. Dennis Miller's mom never taught him how to shut the hell up.

- Idolized Emmitt and Walter...LT, not Jay. Jay idolized Bob's Big Boy.

- LT is from Texas and was a big Cowboys fan growing up. He is now obligated to weigh in on the Romonator. He played fullback in high school until his senior year, then TCU gave him a scholarship based on seemingly that year alone. That's where LT met his wife, who is, in his words, "nice lookin." Plus, he's not a "mack daddy." LT is my favorite person.

- "It would be nice to go to the Super Bowl."

- What, that's it? You had Dennis Miller on there for a goddam year and a half. This is the next Gale Sayers and you give him five minutes? Jay Leno just force fed me diarrhea and told me it was Sara Lee.

Update #1: Who the hell is KT Tunstall?

Joe Gibbs is going to pilot his sinking ship.

2006-12-05T15:23:00.000-05:00

So, according to the AP and the Worldwide Leader in Bullshit. Joe Gibbs is staying in the sinking Scientology funding ship known as the Washington Redskins. To quote the man himself...

"There is no equivocation. I plan on going forward and being the coach again," Gibbs said. "As long as I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be, I'm going to be here."

Say what? Joe, you're on a sinking ship. Danny Snyder is funding Tom Fucking Cruise and the Church of Scamatology! Dear Christ, fucking go back to running Tony Stewart's team and help the man get another NEXTEL/Stayfree Mini Pads Cup.

As said by one of the players who is trying to do it for him, Phillip Daniels.

"Coach Gibbs is a fighter. In all his speeches, he always says, 'I'm not going nowhere,'" Daniels told The Baltimore Sun. "I've got to believe he's not going to [quit]. He's going to get this thing corrected."

Sounds like, Phil, it's not happening with your current owner. Danny's the NFL's version of Mark Cuban. The only difference is that Mark has winning streaks. And he doesn't associate with grown adults afraid of a fake alien lord named Xenu...

Rich

2006-12-05T08:11:00.000-05:00

To the uninitiated, my name is Rich. I'm the non-Deadspinner around here, to be honest. I'm the associate editor over at Sports Bastards. I'm a 26 year old criminal justice/journalism major formerly of the University of Tennessee, now at another college that isn't as bubba-lized.

While I used to have an anti-Deadspin slant to start out, my mind was changed when I emailed Critic about coming on board. Needless to say, I'm glad I did. This NFL Hits! crew is the most amusing group of folks around. Not to mention that Sooze promised me that she wouldn't bite me... hard.

So, the personal items. I, much like Tony Romo, am a third generation Mexican American. My father is a white former Army Staff Sergeant. My mother was a Latina former Red Cross nurse. I'm quite proud of being from two cultures. I also served four years in the Armed Forces ending my term as a Sergeant. Hence, why over at SB, some of the commenters call me the Sarge.

I was a military policeman, so that's why most of the athletes that break the law get the most ridicule from me. While I'm considered by Ron the SB "workhorse", I'll admit that about 96 percent of the ideas I have don't make it to the site. I end up mentally rejecting most of them due to extremely bad taste or amount of time needed.

Other than the NFL love. I'm a fan of soccer (which the Critic hates vehemently), hockey, and rodeo. I was born in Texas, so that might explain the rodeo part and the love for the Cowboys and the Titans (to an extent). I now reside in Nashville, and I wish I was back in San Antonio...

At times, I'll drag on. Sometimes, I get rude on some things. Hell, I'll even admit to wanting to try out for most teams because I think the NFL consists of pussies. The only football game I get emotional over is the Army-Navy game, for obvious reasons.

That's all I have, unless the rest of them actually twist my arm to give more.

When Rich isn't here making Chris Henry bail jokes. He also blogs over at Sports Bastards, when he's not too drunk to make deadline. He's also one of the two man committee that created the Pantheon of Badassery. No, despite what you think, he cannot cure cancer. He also does not have more diseases than Ron Mexico. And sorry to say, he isn't a single man because he's a loser. He's a single man because he's probably a bit of an asshole. That and most black women hate him because he hates Jemele Hill's wannabe journalist/groupie whore self.

Reflections On Monday Night

2006-12-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Thoughts compiled while vomiting into the toilet:

Brian Dawkins is one of the best defenders in football. Darryl Dawkins broke several backboards.
If I have Steve Smith on my team I get him the ball on reverses, quick slants, and over the top. I don't let him return punts.
MNF resembles a BBC comedy about an inept broadcast crew in America. Don't think about it-I've already pitched the idea.
The Panthers defense is overrated.
Game officials should be required to adhere to the 5 second rule: If the flag isn't thrown in five seconds no penalty occurred.
Visitors to the booth should be athletes who can't speak the King's English; not actors who can't speak the King's English.

Panthers-Eagles: Game Wrap-Up

2006-12-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

If the NFC comes to the final week hoping a 7-9 team doesn't make the playoffs, you can thank Jeff F. Garcia. Between his crisp second-half effort and two interceptions from Delhomme, a snoozer turned into a game with a bit of edge. Every Philadelphia fan can take a moment to enjoy the win and then remember that Jeff F. Garcia was responsible for it, allowing them to slip back into the pool of doubt and vomit that is their wont.

Carolina fans...dude. Dude, I'm so sorry. I totally thought she was going home with you, too. Y'know, I think she'd look older in the morning anyway. Yeah, man. She's got that look, y'know? Like she just hangs out in bars cause the light's bad. Yeah, man. It's cool. Yeah, I'll drive you home, Carolina fans. Just lean your head out the window.

Yeah, I know it's cold out, man. Yeah. I know.

Panthers-Eagles: Fourth Quarter Action

2006-12-04T23:09:00.000-05:00

Panthers 21 - Eagles 14

The quarter begins with a wild jump shot by Garcia; he's the scrappy little guy at the Y during open gym. I hate that guy. 21-17 Panthers is the result.

Update #1: Anything you can do, we can do roughly equally well. 24-17 Panthers.

I just noticed Ali Rap is sponsored by Kay Jewelers. I taste copper.

Update #2: Are the Panthers just this bad on pass defense? Jeff Garcia has taken my words of whimsy personally and is laying the wood to the Panthers, completing another long pass for a touchdown. 24-24.

Oh, God...this isn't going to overtime, is it? Oh God. You promised to go gently on me for my first live blog.

Update #3: Jake Delhomme comes back to the sideline, looking for blood. Someone missed a read or fell in a wormhole, forcing Jake to fling a ball up in a high-rent game of 500. INT Dawkins.

Bryant Westbrook's QB rating isn't as great as LT's.

An almost-drive leads to an Akers chipperonenino. 27-24 Eagles.

Update #4: The two-minute warning is punctuated by one of my major annoyances: the Dr. Frist Long-Distance Injury Diagnosis. You're not doctors; you're not trainers; you're not even CPR-trained. Don't play Dr. Kildare. Keyshawn goes down before the break.

You know what I love about the Garmin commercial? It's a solid reminder that the guy in the sweater vest with the beard will never know the touch of a woman. That guy definitely needs constant reminding of his membership in the untouchable caste. Thanks, Garmin!

Elton John pockets another stack of rubles as Lito Shepard saves the game for the Eagles and millions of football fans' jobs with a tumbling interception out the back of the end zone. It overshadows yet another NFL Hits-approved Pretty Fucking Good Steve Smith play.

Panthers-Eagles: Third Quarter Action

2006-12-04T22:29:00.000-05:00

Panthers 14 - Eagles 7

I'm heartbroken. The "Rocky is so old that he's now Sandy" bit is cute and all, but Chuck D doesn't have his uppercut anymore and that actually matters. Ali Rap? You know what? Just pry open my ribcage and squat over my chest. Thanks.

I hadn't noticed the sparkles on Hank Williams, Jr.'s coat. Now he looks like an incredibly fey homeless man.

How close are we to Garcia being benched? Not at all? Let's all root for the game flow to stop stuttering more than a young James Earl Jones. It can be majestic if it just stops stammering, not unlike Jack Jefferson himself. (Now there's a boxing figure you can't take away from me.)

Update #1: GARCIA DOES NOT LOOK LIKE MCNABB, THEESMAN.

Sorry. Sorry. We haven't seen the last of Garcia; he leads a very solid drive down the field that has all the consistency and comfort of a metronome. That's a compliment, sir; you will do well to take it and move along. 14-14.

Do you think Elton John's accountants check the Monday Night Football schedule each year and automatically factor in the royalties for every Philadelphia home game?

Update #2: I am really enjoying DeAngelo Williams. He's bouncing around like a tightly-wound top; this game really benefits from that kind of nervous energy. 21-14 Panthers.

Update #3: I believe that was a shuffle pass to Buffalo. Nice work, Garcia.

Nice Rocky quote, Tony.

Feeley is warming up. Nice call, Tuffy.

Panthers-Eagles: Second Quarter Action

2006-12-04T21:19:00.000-05:00

Panthers 7 - Eagles 0

It's an inauspicious start for the Eagles. Jeff Garcia has connected as often with his receivers as he has with his hair stylist. (Remember...1.3 joke difficulty. No Mike Piazza rumors tonight.) Delhomme's 'quarterback controversy' seems awfully forced at this point.

I fully expect to see Sly this quarter, so please prepare your barf bargs if you own a high-definition television. This may be worse than Joy Behar in HD.

Update 1: Who is a more convincing boxer?

Update 2: Stallworth makes an incredible catch, causing the Panthers to take a time out to suck any dramatic tension out of the first verb-like item in 45 minutes.

Update 3: 7-7 on a quick Westbrook TD. Both teams continue to keep the score low and hope to get lucky. Couldn't we just show New Jersey Devils clips from the 90s? Dump...and chase. Dump...and chase. Back...and to the left. Back...and to the left.

Would someone please explain to the Threnidions that you can't just flood a GD-47 Flapfligger and hope it will restart? You've got to drain the diptherium and let it cool down before you try to fire 'er up. Dragnor help them if they corrode the Capthet relays. No tripod flashlight will help at that point.

Brian Dawkins is an undiagnosed epileptic or the most constipated man ever.

Update 4: I had planned on putting my television in dry cask storage for halftime to protect against hearing Berman, but Chuck D canonizing Ali might be worth the risk of sticking around. Maybe. If Sooze is doing the third quarter, you'll know I sacrificed all to find out.

Remember, you heard it first at NFL Hits: Steve Smith == good. If it wasn't for Mr. Smith, this game might encourage Stallone to buy the rights to Awakenings II.

....and an Eagles player lies on the turf after the exciting play to suck the marrow from my bones again. Sweet Jesus on a flaming stick, I'd like a narrative flow that wasn't constructed by a narcoleptic.

Update 5: I am trying to limit my updates per quarter, but I believe this quarter started in August.

Of 1612.

Keyshawn Johnson has weeknight visitation rights to his cojones. It's nice he was able to work something out without involving the lawyers. A patented Johnson snatch makes it 14-7 Panthers.

The first half ends mercifully with 12398410923480 punts recorded. My right leg hurts from watching, though I also might have tensed up a bit too quickly when I saw Stallone's girl toy.

See you after the half; the Tex Avery-wannabe highlight reel makes me omnidirectionally homicidal and I'm trying to stay focused.

Panthers-Eagles: First Quarter Action

2006-12-04T20:48:00.000-05:00

Jeff Garcia starts for the Eagles. As often occurs, the coach's short-team needs outweigh the long-term benefits of finding out of A.J. Feeley can do his dad proud. I suppose it's much ado about nothing, but is there anything to be gained by starting Jeff Garcia?

I don't have a terribly nice television, but did the start of the game look like the wind is blowing down from the tire fire?

As the starters are listed, I recall a conversation I had a co-worker today. I would like to name my first child "Slotheny" after my favorite two vices. Perhaps this will help my child do well in sports and support his old man. After all, I refuse to change my last name to Marinovich.

Not to be an ass, but isn't the poor young businesswoman that ends up in the wrong airport washroom while fixing her contacts already 'away'?

Jeff Garcia just hit a wide-open patch of grass. I expect this to be a pattern for the first half. To his credit, it really was wide-open; the ground just dropped it.

"They're not booing; they're saying, 'Contract testicular cancer...ooo.'"

At the 10:00 mark, the punters are looking sharp so far.

Jeff Garcia starts for the Eagles. As often occurs, the coach's short-team needs outweigh the long-term benefits of finding out of A.J. Feeley can do his dad proud. I suppose it's much ado about nothing, but is there anything to be gained by starting Jeff Garcia?

I don't have a terribly nice television, but did the start of the game look like the wind is blowing down from the tire fire?

As the starters are listed, I recall a conversation I had a co-worker today. I would like to name my first child "Slotheny" after my favorite two vices. Perhaps this will help my child do well in sports and support his old man. After all, I refuse to change my last name to Marinovich.

Not to be an ass, but isn't the poor young businesswoman that ends up in the wrong airport washroom while fixing her contacts already 'away'?

Jeff Garcia just hit a wide-open patch of grass. I expect this to be a pattern for the first half. To his credit, it really was wide-open; the ground just dropped it.

"They're not booing; they're saying, 'Contract testicular cancer...ooo.'"

At the 10:00 mark, the punters are looking sharp so far.

Update 1: There we go! I really enjoy when 11 people can successfully improvise like that 40+ yard pass play. That's one great way football goes from droning to drama.

Hey, when does Keyshawn Johnson get his penis back? Does he have visitation rights? He hasn't been the cock of the walk for an awfully long time. I hope his publicist is keeping an eye on him.

Let NFL Hits bring you the hottest trends: Steve Smith is pretty good. Also, he has the best strut this side of John Travolta. (Hey, as long as it's throwback night...) Try watching the replays of that touchdown later tonight without hearing the Bee Gees. I dare you.

Update 2: Speaking of enjoying an unexpected moment, Tony lays out Philly fans by injecting a cautious tone into the McNabb recovery. I hope he likes green tagging on his bus.

Please excuse me; I need to step out for a moment to buy an Xbox 360, about $200 in accessories, and Halo 3. Thanks for your patience.

Panthers-Eagles: Pre-Game "Action"

2006-12-04T20:26:00.000-05:00

Welcome to beautiful...Philadelphia? Really? Did someone proof this copy? ...okay, then.

Welcome to beautiful Philadelphia, where the Eagles encourage their supporters to develop stigmata to challenge even the most ardent Boston sports fan. Can I get a li'l "Nobody's Seen the Trouble I've Seen" from the congregation? Amen. Their starting quarterback's name is actually T.B. Determined, drafted out of Alcorn State. This kid's projectible if a bit underused.

Carolina fans...well, how do you kids feel? I know Carolina's been all over the place, but this team has the chance to throw down a 3-4 game winning streak at just the right time, no? A win tonight probably fills the hubris cup a bit tonight. (You're waiting for it, aren't you? The Hubris Cup joke? It's not happening. I've chosen a joke difficulty this evening of 1.3; there will be no NASCAR jokes tonight.)

Rocky couldn't wait until the game started to shill. People forget how charismatic and smart Sly used to be; he wrote Rocky! (Then again, he was smart enough to cash in at the right time. I've failed to do so. Good on you, Stallone. Good on you. Now go the fuck away, k?)

What a lovely piece on the Santa Claus attack by Jeremy Schapp; it's equal parts the better bits of NFL Films and SportsCentury. Admittedly, many viewers know this story, but it's tightly delivered.

I'll be checking back in with updates, trying to pick up on trends in the game that would normally slip past the announcing team. This may mean I have to post the down and distance a lot. We'll see.

Update 1: Hank Williams, Jr.'s patch-laden jacket makes him look like a homeless man. I believe this.

Sylvester Stallone loves Tony Romo

2006-12-04T20:14:00.000-05:00

Sal Paolantonio just interviewed Sly Stallone without a translator. Brutal, it was.

In Sly's words: "Tony Womo has uhmuzing stah whuality...and he's juz a Rawky in the natiunuh footbuh lee."

Couldn't agree more....or less?

I defy you to find a worse picture. And no, Frank Stallone doesn't count. I can smell his failure a mile away.

Hadesgigas

2006-12-04T19:28:00.000-05:00

Roses are red, violets are blue, Chris Berman is fat, Christmas
- Gandhi

Look, I'll be honest, I haven't a damn clue what I'm doing. I started blogging when my television was stolen and I had nothing to do on weekdays but drink. I'm in college.

I'm 21 years a newborn's senior. I am a biology student. That's right, no writing background except AP English, and that was an H-Bomb of a class (that was a sentence fragment, too, F). With a biology degree, I look to be broke in about five years.

Sports have always provided a comforting avenue for yelling and arguing. Hell, I can't even have a conversation without sports entering the discussion. Just the other day:

Me: Hi, would you like a drink?
Girl: Sure thing, how about a Rob Roy?
Me: Holy crap, did you see that hit Roy Williams put on Plex!!?
Girl: Get away from me.

Okay, that didn't happen. By the time I got to the word "you," she hit me with the mace. Not the spray, I'm talking the medieval weapon. Where do you even get a license for those things?

This blog, www.sportsdump.blogspot.com, is okay. That's the highest praise I can give it. October '06 was the first sports post, everything before that is a grab bag. It's four parts humor, six parts stupid, and two parts Denzel. It's not mine.

Confused? You're welcome.

Give It Some Gas - Sexy Rexy Edition

2006-12-04T14:12:00.000-05:00

The National Football League, as much as any other major sport, lends itself nicely to the creation and perpetration of Generally Accepted Storylines. These thumbnail ideas certainly offer much to the sports consumer. The Generally Accepted Storylines echo classic epic tales and lessons, providing continuity to our shared experience and comfort in their easy digestion.

They're also very simple to whip out when you're on deadline. In the Swiss Army Knife of storytelling, throwing the GAS is the Philips screwdriver. You can cram it into any situation with the appearance of work in every flail.

Here at NFL Hits, we look forward to finding the hottest GAS out there and dispersing it to the seven winds, post haste, so you can look good at the bar while wasting as little time as possible on excessive GAS.

GAS of the day: Chicago Bears Quarterback Controversy!

Please try this experiment at home, work, or a high school business education classroom:

Go to the cupboard and get a saucepan. Fill it three-quarters full with water. Add a pinch of salt. Put the sauce pan on the stove. (Kids, get help from your parents/guardians!) Turn the heat on High. Start a timer, stopping it when the water reaches a rolling boil. Wait patiently. Mark the time down.

Turn everything off and let it cool. Turn the heat on High again. Start a timer, stopping it when the water reaches a rolling boil. Try everything you can to increase the temperature faster. (Recommended tools include a sauce pan lid, IcyHot, and an acetylene torch.) Throw more salt in. Try to take the salt out with a slotted spoon. Suck the water out with a straw. Wail like a wounded chimp when you burn your tongue. Mark the time down.

Answer these questions in the comments:

1. Which attempt was faster?
2. Which attempt required more patience?
3. Which attempt would look cooler with commercials, four men in ill-fitting suits screaming, and a 24-hour sports talk radio station covering it?
4. Who should start at quarterback for the Chicago Bears?

Please use MLA formatting in your answers. NFL Hits is not responsible for death, dismemberment, or Jay Mariotti's opinions.

That Seat is Hot

2006-12-04T10:26:00.000-05:00

In professional football there are two types of coaches; those who are fired and those about to be fired. Therefore, to educate and amuse, let’s look at the coaches on the way out and those that can stick around for next year.

First are the coaches who’ve coached well despite low expectations:

Sean Payton – His Saints are playing excellent football and he’s used Reggie Bush in ways that maximizes his ability.

Mike Nolan – He’s won more games with less talent than anyone in the league.

Eric Mangini – The chubster has the Jets looking superior to the Giants despite the absence of Curtis Martin.

Hot Seat Coaches:

Nick Saban – A pitiable start from the Dolphins put them in a hole and despite a wining streak the loss to the Jaguars puts them back on the dung pile. Isn’t Nick a genius?

Jim Mora, Jr. – The coach killer may kill this coach. Nothing short of winning the rest of their games will save his job.

Brian Billick – It’s your offense now Brian. You still can’t move the ball.

Coaches on the Express Train to Dismissal:

Dennis Green – Never has one person done so little to garner so many chances.

Art Shell – Wake up from the coma. Please Art, you’re family is worried.

Tom Coughlin – Players are quitting, fans are quitting, and Coughlin should quit.

Bears Clinch NFC North, no thanks to Rex.

2006-12-04T09:34:00.000-05:00

According to the AP, Chicago clinched the NFC North. However, only their opponent this past Sunday, Minnesota, has the balls to change from a bad quarterback to a decent quarterback.

Chicago won the game despite Rex Grossman trying to lose the game for them. Rex ranked a 0.0 rating throughout the game until the 4th quarter, where he managed to raise his rating to a 1.3. Wow, what a damn overachiever. Maybe you'll hit 1.5 next week, Rex? I would say 2.0, but then the Critic would fire me for giving the readers of this site false hope.

But let's face it, Rex. It can't get too bad, can it? Yes, it can. LaDainian Tomlinson. Yes, LT v.2. He's got a higher QB rating this season than you do. Want a fact check. Read the man's wiki. He's officially listed at the league office this season with a 150.0. In his 10 passes, he's only flubbed two. By the way 158.3 is the top you can get.

What's also sad. Jon Kitna is looking like Joe Montana compared to you, and he plays for Detroit!

Lovie, before you tank out your team. Put in Brian Griese or Kyle Orton. At least with Orton, he fucked up his way to a winning record. Rex, can't even lose properly...

Week 13 Scores

2006-12-04T08:30:00.000-05:00

Relive the final scores as you clean up the vomit from mixing sushi with too much beer:

Cincinnati 13 Baltimore 7
San Diego 24 Buffalo 21
Chicago 23 Minnesota 13
Cleveland 31 Kansas City 28
Jets 38 Green Bay 10
Jacksonville 24 Miami 10
New England 28 Detroit 21
New Orleans 34 San Francisco 10
Dallas 23 Giants 20
Pittsburgh 20 Tampa Bay 3
Arizona 34 St. Louis 20
Tennessee 20 Colts 17
Atlanta 24 Washington 14
Houston 23 Oakland 14
Seattle 23 Denver 20

Tonight: Carolina - Philadelphia

Denver vs Seattle 2nd Half

2006-12-03T22:02:00.000-05:00

10:03- Still confused. Was Elam supposed to throw? If Plummer is the holder, then....nevermind.
10:04- "Cutler passed a big big test right there." The third down throw, that is. Cutler has looked alright, I am not expecting an easy button here. In fact, as we speak, he throws it away when the play action fools jack squat.

10:06- Beautiful third down throw on third down. Sorry, was that redundant? I should be an announcer. Cutler follows that with a bad pass, followed by offensive holding on Mike Bell. This is the least happy I've ever been with a six point lead. AS I TYPE THAT MIKE BELL FUMBLES. Fumbalaya!!!!!!!!

10:13- Seattle goes nowhere and Plackemeier punts. I clicked spellchecker and it exploded.

10:16- To take on the thin air in Mile High, Madden suggests you get to the stadium as late as possible and leave immediately after the game. What is this, Fallujah? Suck it up. Cecil runs for a score. Not a TD, but 20 yards. Felt like being learned.

10:18- I agree Madden, no bootlegs. Cutler stumbles, falls down and is forced to eat grass.

10:20- I hope no one is proud of this: I kind of might....go see Rocky. I know, I know, don't worry. If I go, I'll be completely incognito.

10:22- Shaun Alexander goes for 18. He has a record of 60 straight games with at least a 10 yard run. Then they give it to Morris. He has a record of 60 straight games with at least a carry. Third down, no Shaun, but still a first to "D-Jack as he calls him himself." That's right, Al.

10:24- THROWING TO CHAMP BAILEY. No sir, sixth pick of the season. Maybe Matt switched places with Tim!?! He's been, for lack of a better word, ungood.

10:28- Three and out. No wonder this defense tires in the second half. The special teams are always awful from a field position standpoint, and the offense usually sustains one big drive a game. It has to change or the prophesy of JC won't be fulfilled.

10:30- Foreigner's "Cold as Ice" as NBC fades to commercial. Real cute.

10:31- Why do cartoons have such trouble with online trading? Talk to Chuck!!!

10:34- Seattle punt, and what a punt. Downed at the one. Safety Dance? We can drop back if you want to, we can leave the blitz behind...that's horrible

Madden mumbo jumbos about passing, running, downs and possibly a turducken. The take home message is run on second down. End of the third, 13-7 Denver

10:38- Inside Man was tremendous by the way. Possibly needed less Jodie Foster, but what doesn't? What? Oh right, football. JC gets sacked and Denver will punt from their one. Take the safety.....NOT. Has the shelf life on Borat jokes expired yet? I vote no.

10:42- Hasselbeck sacked by Elvis Dumervil, the only consistent pass rusher on the line, and he's a rookie to boot. Josh Brown and friends fake the field goal with a pooch punt. Darent Williams muffs it. Can someone drive me to the hospital after this one....Denver recovers.

10:46- Al Wilson is on the ground, seriously hurt after running into the fat Gerard Warren. Here comes the cart, man that sucks. Blogging as your team struggles chews the stink.

10:48- No, I don't like 6'5" 230 pound quarterback with a laser, rocket arm.

10:50- I really hope Al Wilson is alright. You hear that "heart and soul" line a lot, but he truly is the heart and soul of that defense. "You hate to see that green thing come out there." Yes, John, I hate that thing on wheels. Please give me a thumbs up, Al. Please.

10:53- How tough is this game now for all of these fans and this team. Now Tatum is hurt. You know what, just drop smallpox on the Denver sideline.

10:55- Third and 5, run. No one likes it. But I think this team is out of sorts right now, and that call may be for the best.

10:57- Jackson with a big gainer, now Seattle is at the one. Pepto with Chivas Regal? Worth a try. TD Shaun Alexander. *Gulp gulp gulp*

11:02- Sprained neck for Al Wilson, best wishes to him as his team truly misses him. Brian Clark fumbles and Josh Brown recovers.

11:05- Michaels recounts everything that has gone wrong for Denver, and I mean everything. I wonder how the corner of my desk would look lodged into my brain. DEFENSIVE HOLDING AUTOMATIC FIRST DOWN, GOOD LORD!!!! Yes, Al, where is the defensive holding? I never saw it.

11:07- Big third down here...................great wrap up by Ekuban as MoMo tries to hit the corner and can't. Josh Brown hits a kick, 17-13 with 4:08. Sets up great for Cutler to make a rookie mistake and for me to take a razor to my gums.

11:11- "The Drive" 2006 is here. First play: tipped and intercepted! I don't know what to say. I forgot how to breathe properly, let alone type coherently. Feetballs not rain trampoline @&*%&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;^@*#^&@&

11:13- I hear "good news for Al Wilson" before I totally black out. That's good news.

11:15- Deion Branch end around, tackled short. YES MADDEN, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MATT HASSELBECK, HE'S BALD. Fourth and short and I honestly expect Holmgren to go for it, so he kicks it. 20-13, Seahawks

11:17- *Cough* "The Drive" 2006 is here. Broncos don't get a good return, big surprise. Al Michaels starts talking about the referee's pants. Great timing, ass hat. Now Cecil Sapp is hurt. Where's my nailgun? Okay, now where's my ulna?

11:20- I CANNOT BELIEVE MY PANTS. Sorry, all caps, BUT WHOA MOMMA, BRANDON MARSHALL ON A SIMPLE DUMPOFF, THE ROOKIE BREAKS A SERIES OF TACKLES AND THEN RUNS FOR AN INSANITY ENSUING 71-YARD TOUCHDOWN. JC TO BM. That's inappropriate. What a flipping turnaround!

11:23- HOLY poop, two minute warning. Someone get these nails out.

11:24- No one but Rex Grossman and Muhsin Muhammad will cast a Pro Bowl vote for Rex Grossman and Muhsin Muhammad.

11:25- "Rebuilding New Orleans...one win at a time." Yep, those house foundations are built on nothing but wins.

11:26- Hasselbeck completes a third down. Nothing is wrong with him and everything is right with the world. Meanwhile, Elam is getting a massage, which reminds Al Michaels of a David Akers story that I remember. I finally understand you, Michaels.

11:29- Hasselbeck continues to dent the tired Broncos defense. After all, the Denver offense just had a 21 second scoring drive, and before that was a one play turnover drive. The D can't rest.

11:33- Josh Brown makes a 50 yarder. Four seconds left.

11:36- A couple of batty laterals. Migraines. Final Score: Seattle Seahawks 23, Denver Broncos 20.

"Josh Brown does it again." Does what, misses two field goals? This all makes me want to puke. It's the mistakes all over again. Denver (and I) felt like taking Plummer out would solve many of their other problems, but alas, it did not. They finished with five turnovers, and the defense was rendered weak by poor field position and TOP all night. With all of that, they still allowed just 270 yards. Josh Brown wins the Rock Star. I cast the first stone.

Just make out already! Denver is now 7-5, and the playoffs look bleak. Next week they go to San Diego, a loss. I predicted a 10-6 finish to the season, but that was assuming they'd win this game. With San Diego and Cincy left, 9-7 is on the horizon. Seattle, at 8-4 can lose four straight and likely win their division anyway. How's your NFC!?! I would give my left ulna to move Denver to the NFC West.

Okay, I'm done. My grapes are mighty sour; just a horrid, apcalyptic night for football. Like Mike Shanahan, I will cry myself to sleep tonight. Sigh

The Critic

2006-12-03T21:58:00.000-05:00

The Critic is a product of his generation, men known for their fanatical dedication to defeating the Soviets through Thermonuclear War and watching MTV as much as possible. Now between 30 and 40, residing in a state known for it's boundaries, The Critic takes the work of Physicists and critiques it until either the work is correct or the physicist is on mood stabilizers.

Unlike many in his field, The Critic is an avid sports fan, participant, and all around hip motherfucker. Listening to Ice Cube, drinking single malt scotch and discussing Chaos Theory may not sound hip but in fact, in some depressive way, it's tragically hip.

A lifelong fan of the New York Giants, New York Knicks, and Minnesota Twins, The Critic is well versed in the art of verbal self defense, dirty tricks, and early playoff exits. In his spare time The Critic listens to whales dying, despises television and maintains The Critical Sports Blog.

Denver vs. Seattle 1st Half

2006-12-03T20:16:00.000-05:00

I guess I will do this by time.

8:17- John Madden doesn't know what to expect from Jay Cutler. That makes all of us. Now Jay gets to talk! I have the following things in common with him: 1. I need a haircut 2. I have a double chin. How many QBs have a double chin? That discussion begins and ends with Stan Humphries.

8:19- Go away, Bob Seger, you are trying to ruin rock. You may be succeeding.

8:21- Al Michaels uses the word "garb." Okay. Meanwhile, Seahawks are 4-20 in Denver since 1977.........garb? Is this the twenties? Seattle goes three and out and a bad punt follows. Mmmm, chicken cutler.

8:24- Listen to the cheers! Tatum Bell says quiet down folks by making bird gestures. And there is a five yard run. Oh, and the O-line doesn't talk to the media. I guess they shouldn't, unless they wanted to field questions like: "How fulfilling was it to take that nose guard's knees out and put him on IR?"

8:26- 3rd & 1, incomplete pass to Javon Walker. BENCH JAY CUTLER DOT COM ORG NET GOV. Paul Ernster punts. He is bad. I miss Todd Sauerbrun. Now a Seattle three and out and this game is rolling!!!

8:34- John Madden hates when people say "manage the game." I want to paint that on his car. 3rd and 8, Cutler throws to Scheffler, nearly intercepted. Nice punt by Ernster. Not one of his Ernster eggs....sorry.

8:40- Shaun Alexander tries running right, away from Walter Jones, and that is just career suicide right there. Gain of nothing. ANOTHER three and out. Folks this is just unlike anything you'll ever see again, because you've gouged your eyes out.

8:43- The first 1st!! Tatum goes for 25. Another first, Tatum goes for 11. Third and five, Cutler gets dropped. Jake Plummer could have evaded that rush...and thrown a pick....Jake is still the holder? Man, Shanahan, don't knock a man while he's down. 3-0 Broncos as Elam kicks it true

8:48- All new Deal or No Deal. On tomorrow's episode the banker gets robbed and the show is cancelled. Alexander gets seven yards, he's on pace for 163 carries. Now he has a first down. 486 carries.

8:53- Seattle has three drops already, none from perrenial drop all star Jerramy Stevens. Darrell Jackson had none last year, and has ten this year. Take that, Seneca Wallace. Seattle looks to set the record for punts as they do it again to start the second quarter.

8:55- No, Peyton, they are saying "boo."

8:57- Just so you know what a great sports fan I am, currently the television is being switched between the game and a borrowed copy of "Inside Man" on DVD. Viva la Blog!

8:58- Tatum nearly fumbles, then they pitch it in their own endzone, then I have a series of heart attacks. John and Al have a discussion about how Jay Cutler is Mike Shanahan's guy for good. Uh, well considering Preston Parsons from the practice squad is the only QB left, that's a safe bet. Unless of course they were suggesting he go with Plummer all over again. That's just silly. Silly like the punter forgetting his helmet....ugh.

9:03- Darrell Jackson with a comeback route, with which WRs always kill Darent Williams. I don't hate the word "cover corner," Madden. Why do you hate words so much? Couple of runs and a delay of game. This game is delaying the end of Inside Man. SPORTS FANATIC!

9:05- Maurice Morris, Mercury Morris' unfortunate bastard child, runs for 5-ish. Josh Brown kicks wide left. 3-0 still, bizarro barnburner.

9:10- Jay Cutler hates John Elway. Just kidding. But that would be totally awesome and confusing. Cutler fumbles the snap, keeps it. This just keeps getting better.

Cutler runs for about seven and gets a first on a bit of a facemask. Natily attired ref gives an emphatic first down. Exceptional garb.

9:13- Madden has it spot on. JC is incredibly tight. Just as we agree, JC throws a strike to Alexander for a first. I call him JC for a reason....

9:14- Tatum gains 30, giving him 10 carries for 81 yards. "He's not only a good runner, but he has good speed." Most good runners are slow. I shouldn't harp on the announcing so much. That's for here.

9:16- Who would have thought that Denver's Alexander would score before Seattle's?!?! Seven yard TD as he fidgets with it before securing the catch! Michaels says something stupid about juggling. 10-0 Broncos

9:22- Seahawks don't have a backup fullback? Weird. I thought Morris could play FB, but I am so mistaken that I've just lost the will to live. Borderline creepy McDonalds commercial has me right back on my feet.

9:25- Naked dude in a barrell and his itinerary. How captivating! Jay Cutler apparently has learned a lot from Jake Plummer. Horrible interception while being sacked, Seattle takes it back for a TD. 10-7 Broncos. THE WONDERLIC JAY!!

9:31- Tatum Bell is rushing out of his gourd. Gain of 17 and he is at 110 on 13 carries. The O-line must really be tearing up some legs. Madden has playful issue with players coming out on their own volition. Apparently that's not old school. Rod Smith is old school, and he just fumbled. Naturally, I blame Madden.

9:36- I like Penn Jillette. Maybe I should be his agent and advise against these things. Tim Hasselbeck gave his brother Matt advice about dropping his elbow down or something. I'm guessing that conversation went down like this:

Tim: You gotta move your elbow down to avoid those bad throws
Matt: Oh really? You know what, I do want football advice
Tim: DO YOU!?
Matt: Yeah, put Elisabeth on the phone

9:39- Another FG miss, then a penalty, then Mike Holmgren getting so red that his skin tone is close to matching the orange in the Bronco logo. Let's hope we see that.

9:42- Is it safe for me to say Romo was mediocre? Will I be murdered? And no, Madden, it's not that hard to bench Drew Bledsoe. Cutler going no huddle, throws deep, good coverage on Walker for the incompletion. I think they are going to kick a field goal. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, it's a fake. I...............am.......................so..........................confused.

It's a fake to have one yard shaved off the FG attempt? He makes a 41-yard attempt. Did Elam say something bad about Shanahan? WHAT IS THIS?

13-7 Denver at the half. Elam is hurt. KILL ALL THE DAMN HEROES FOR ALL I CARE, NBC! Ahem, I'll be back after halftime.

Coughlin Should Resign

2006-12-03T19:25:00.000-05:00

Tom Coughlin faces the same situation Napoleon faced after an ignominious retreat from Russia. Does he resign, place the blame on the men under his command or face exile to some Midwestern state?

The New York Giants are in a bad fix but it's not entirely Coach Coughlin's fault. Tiki Barber leaking his retirement, injuries, and sporadic power outages in the brain of one Eli Manning have conspired to render the Giants ineffective. Lest there be any confusion however, Tom Coughlin needs to resign.

The Giants, as previously mentioned, lost to the Cowboys and coaching played a role. The inability to command the players respect, poor clock management, and questionable calls all land at the feet of Coughlin. What he does is in part up to him. Resignation is the honorable course to take but if the past is any guide Coughlin won't resign. Thus it may be necessary to escort him to the turnpike and send him to Delaware until arrangements can be made to send him to Iowa.

It worked for France (Except for the Iowa part).

Giants Fans set up a convoy to escort Tom Coughlin to Delaware.

Dallas vs. New York Final

2006-12-03T19:19:00.000-05:00

Dallas - 23. New York - 20.

The blaming on Eli is now commencing in New York. As is the blaming on Coughlin being outcoached, and also the drops by Plexiglass.

At least Tiki Ono got his 300 carries a game...

Dallas vs. New York Update

2006-12-03T19:07:00.000-05:00

Suddenly, it seems that Dallas forgets how to tackle when they have the lead and when Tiki has the ball.

However, Tiki is all they have. Plexiglass and Shockey-nuts have dropped everything thrown to them including Coughlin insults.

For some odd reason, Yoko Ono still wants Tiki to retire...

Raiders vs. Texans: Moments that Shine

2006-12-03T18:37:00.000-05:00

The game is not even over, yet someone needs to page ESPN Classic right now.

Aaron Brooks has an interception, but he is handily outplaying counterpart David Carr. Two lost fumbles and 32 delicious yards passing for him. Raiders down 17-14, despite allowing only 106 total yards to this point. I wonder who is to blame...

I can't put my finger on it.

Update #1 and only: Oakland was driving, kind of, and then some guy named Randall Williams fumbled. Brilliant!

Jaguars - Dolphins: Game Wrap-Up From the Future

2006-12-03T18:31:00.000-05:00

Joey Harrington still sucked.

Sooze

2006-12-03T18:17:00.000-05:00

I am the Fred Astaire of karate.
-Vince Lombardi

My name is Sooze and I'm an alcoholic. As a 25-year-old journalism student, I'm hoping to one day get paid to watch and write about sports. That is, unless being a gunslingin' bounty hunter/drunk K-Mart underwear model doesn't pan out.

I was born in a barn and raised in Minnesota, but I hate the Vikings with all of my cold, cold heart. I've hated them for as long as I can remember, which isn't saying much, since I can't recall what I ate for breakfast. I think this is how I became a Packer fan; it was my destiny.

I'm pretty sure my Dad always wished I was a boy, even though he already had three of them. We used to turn down the volume on the television and do the play-by-play ourselves on Sunday afternoons until he'd fall asleep. (Aaawwwww). I still do, credits to the wonderboy announcers of this generation.

I’d rather play than work. I’d rather drink and smoke than go to the gym. I love the Packers and I love Brett Favre. In turn, I love cheap beer, bratwurst and cheese. I believe that people who "hate the snow" are a bunch of pussies. Hot baths, green tea, walks on the beach and tracking down criminals to beat the crap out of them with blunt objects are just a few things that bring me joy. Also, believe it or not, I can juggle like a mofo.

Being a fan isn't always easy. Our favorite teams can’t go all the way every year. So, after pain-staking scientific research that kept me up very, very late at times, I’ve found nothing short of a sense of humor and a sixer helps to curb the spiral into the total madhouse that is football season for a Cheesehead.

All kidding aside and regardless of what John Madden might try to pound into your melon, the point is sport. Sport is the single greatest and quite possibly the oldest outlet in the history of our world. Competition: there's nothing like it.

Obviously, if you're not playing the game, the next best thing is to spectate. Sports are unique in the way they bring hope and passion into our lives as fans - sometimes only to leave us writhing with heartache. What says I Fucking Love You like two tickets to a football game? That's right, nothing.

So, here's to Sport. May it last forever.

When Sooze is not completely out of control, she also rants and reports over at Babes That Love Baseball - a Minnesota Twins blog. Babes That Love Basketball is another project of hers...which isn't as fun, since the Wolves suck ass. Luckily, she has taken on yet another project with co-editor and founder of the Critical Sports Blog, The Critic. She'll make it smell nice.

Bob Whitfield Channels Stooges

2006-12-03T18:13:00.000-05:00

Hey Bob,

When your team gets a first down, it's not a good idea to slap the defender.

That type of thing usually gets a penalty. Of course, when you look like this.

Thank you, Deadspin. For this little gem of idiocy...

Jaguars - Dolphins Update

2006-12-03T18:08:00.000-05:00

Joey Harrington sucks again. Carry on.

Jets-Packers: Game Wrap-Up

2006-12-03T17:05:00.000-05:00

Jets 38 - Packers 10

Green Bay's defense was completely disemboweled by Chad Pennington, who went 25 of 35 for 263 yards and two touchdowns. His two picks were lost among three touchdown drives of 70+ yards in the second quarter alone.

Cruising on a 31-0 halftime lead, Pennington and company found it easy to produce yards and confuse the young Green Bay defense with occasional no-huddle offense, connecting with eight different receivers.

Jerricho Cotchery led the Jets in receiving with 99 yards and a touchdown with Chris Baker adding fifty and a score. Cedric Houston rushed for 105 yards with two touchdowns and Leon Washington contributed forty with his second TD of the year.

Brett Favre managed to complete 24 passes for 214 yards with 1 touchdown pass and two picks. Noah Herron led the Pack in receiving with a whopping 51 yards, while DoubleD produced forty-one with a touchdown. Ahman Green had yet another 100+ yard rushing game to no avail and to add to the constant suffering, David Rayner missed a field goal.

The Jets improve to 7-5 on the year while the Packers fall to 4-8.

The Packers head to San Fran to take on the 5-7 49ers for what could be their fifth win of the season. Or possibly their ninth loss, while Ingle Martin inches ever closer to his dream.

Fans booed the Packers several times throughout the game, but loudest as they jogged to the tunnel at halftime. Mike McCarthy sees why:

"I'd be booing too. Shoot, they should boo us. I've got no problem with that. This is a man's league, a man's business and a man's game."

Cowboys vs. Giants First Half Box Score.

2006-12-03T16:25:00.000-05:00

1st Quarter

So far, Martin Grammatica missed his 1st NFL Field Goal attempt this season from 34 yards.

Currently the Giants are on a drive with 5:50 left in the 1st quarter.

Dallas is now pinning down with 3rd and 4. Manning to Shockey for the TD.

Dallas - 0. New York Giants - 7. PAT Good.

NY Drive Summary. 10 plays. 5:55 elapsed. 66 yards.

Dallas's Austin returns the kickoff for 33 yards. Ball is now at the Cowboys 45.

Romo to Witten for 24 yards. Massive breakdown in the NYG secondary. Jones for a loss of one.

Romo INT to Kiwanuka. Kiwanuka Fumbles. Samuel Hurd recovers the ball for Dallas.

TO for a catch to the Giants 30. He escapes Sam Madison.

Julius Jones for a gain of three yards.

Romo to Fasano. Defensive Pass Interference against NYG. Ball at the 1 yard line for Dallas.

Marion Barber for the Rushing TD. PAT Good.

Dallas - 7. New York Giants - 7.

Drive Summary for Dallas. 3 plays. 1:26 elapsed. 40 yards.

Grammatica with the short kick. 17 yard return for the Giants by Ward at the Giants 32.

Run for no gain by the fullback. False Start on the Giants. 2nd and 15 for the Giants.

Manning incomplete to Tiki. 3rd and 15. Shockey loses the ball. Incomplete for NY. Punt ensuing.

Feagles hits a 47 yard punt for a Fair Catch.

1st and 10 for Dallas on the Dallas 26. Romo with a pass. Incomplete, but flags are out...

2nd and 10. Romo with another pass. Incomplete attempt to TO.

3rd and 10. Romo to Owens for the 1st Down.

1st and 10 on the Giants 26. Jones for a 1 yard run. 1st Quarter Done.

2nd Quarter

2nd and 9. Romo to TO. INT by the Giants.

Giants Ball at their 30. Tiki with a 2 yard run. 2nd Down. Tiki stopped. No gain.

Manning to Shockey. Completed for the 1st Down. Ball on the 45. Tiki on the run. 1 yard gain.

Manning to Tim Carter. Incomplete. Massive Cowboys D pressure.

Manning to Plaxico. Incomplete. Defensive Pass Interference on Henry. 1st Down for the Giants. 1st thrown headset by the Tuna this game.

Manning to Tiki with the toss. Late Flag on Plaxico. Late Hit Penalty. Personal Foul on Plaxico for 15 yards. 2nd and 25 for the Giants.

Manning to Shancoe for 7 yards. 3rd and 18.

Manning to Jacobs. Not enough. Feagles out to punt.

Feagles with a 34 yard stonewall punt. Dallas at their own 4 yard line.

1st and 10. Screen pass to TO. One yard gain. Stopped by McQuarters.

2nd and 8. Barber with a 5 yard gain. 3rd and 3. Romo to Glenn. 1st Down at the 37. 27 yard connection.

1st and 10. False start on Dallas. 1st and 15. Barber on the run. Picks up 7.

2nd and 8. Romo to Hoyte. 6 yard gain.

3rd and 2. Romo coughs up the ball. Dallas recovery. 4th Down.

McBriar for a Fair Catch. Late hit by the rookie. Personal Foul on Dallas.

1st and 10 at the Giants 30. Manning to Carter. 1st Down.

1st and 10 at the Giants 40. Tiki gets the handoff. Gain of 2.

2nd and 8. Tiki runs for another 5.

3rd and 3. Direct snap to Tiki. 19 yard gain.

1st and 10 at the Dallas 33. Manning for a TD attempt. Incomplete.

2nd and 10. Tiki runs for no gain.

3rd and 10. False start on Shockey. 3rd and 15, thanks to Gomer Shockey. Two Minute Warning time!

David Diehl with a false start penatly. Giants are now 3rd and 20. Way out of Feely's range.

Manning to Tyree. A yard short of the 1st on an iffy catch. 4th and 1.

Coughlin is going for it. Manning and crew stay out. Jacobs denied by Ware. Turnover on downs.

1st and 10 for Dallas at their 27. Barber with a 6 yard run.

2nd and 4. Romo to Glenn for the 1st Down at the 44.

1st and 10. Romo to TO for a gain of 9. Late Flag on Glenn. Block in the back against Glenn.

1st and 15. Romo to Witten. Gain of 12.

2nd and 3. Handoff to Barber. Gain of 2.

3rd and 1. Barber with a huge run. Stopped at the Giants 25. Timeout called by Dallas.

1st and 10. Romo with the garbage pass to avoid the sack. Tuna calls out Grammatica.

Automatica is back. :01 left in the half. Dallas - 10. NY Giants - 7.

Tuna is yelling at the kid right now. The story, though. Grammatica with a 35 yard kick.

One last first half kickoff. Squibby to the Giants. Half over.

That's it. Either I'll come back, or one of us will get the wrap-up. Or, our leader could go with the 2nd half box...

Browns versus Chiefs

2006-12-03T16:20:00.001-05:00

The majesty that is Derek Anderson to Steve Heiden for the win.

Despite an injury to Charlie Frye...or thanks to...Cleveland beat KC 31-28. The key play was a 33-yard run by Anderson in OT, breaking a number of tackles along the sideline before being dropped at the 12. The Browns then ran it twice just to see if they could fumble. After losing four yards, Phil Dawson kicked a 33 yarder. The Chiefs are now 7-5, good for dubious third in the AFC West.

NFL Hits feels Browns fans deserved this game, a stark reminder of the infamous Dwayne Rudd debacle. Cleveland supporters always take losing with a grain of cyanide, so it is refreshingly miraculous to see them get a win. Especially these folks.

Titans vs. Colts Final Score

2006-12-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

Rob Bironas wins the game for the Titans with the second longest kick this NFL season.

He hits the game winning tiebreaker from 60 yards.

The Final Box Score. Indianapolis - 17 Tennessee - 20.

Nashville is party central right now, crew. And yes, I'm getting quite buzzed with the usual folks around here.

Vikings-Bears: Game Wrap-Up

2006-12-03T16:19:00.000-05:00

Bears 23 - Vikings 13

While the Bears' offense sucked chilly wind and the special teams members displayed a respectable bit of schizophrenia, the Chicago Bears defense quietly gathered the materials for a woodshed and constructed it in the far end zone. In the second half, the Bears defense grabbed the Vikings by their ridiculous horns and dragged them behind their new woodshed (sponsored by Home Depot) to show the Vikings around.

After Vikings turnovers allowed two Bears touchdowns (one by the defense), Brooks Bollinger was broken out of cold storage (HA!) to replace the desiccated four-interception corpse of Brad Johnson, apparently being stored in the meat locker addition of the Chicago Bears Home Depot Woodshed. Brooks then supervised the safety given up to the Bears, ending any strong hope for the Vikings despite some nice work by Bollinger late.

Dan Barreiro and the rest of the Twin Cities sports media had been touching themselves absent-mindedly since the third quarter benching of Brad Johnson and moderate success of Bollinger as the one of the Generally Accepted Storyline (GAS) canards had been resurrected: Quarterback Controversy! However, a particularly vicious sack by Adewale Ogunleye appeared to jam Bollinger's left shoulder into his colon, forcing Tarvaris Jackson to come out of the '70s to finish.

The Bears, on the other hand, will continue to train Rex Grossman to stand on his back foot when he throws and the special teams unit to attempt completing each play without swallowing their tongues. Congratulations to the Bears on winning the NFC North. It may be a dubious distinction this year, but it is still an accomplishment worth noting.

This game was announced by Loose-Moose-Goose, who were apoplectic about the numerous bad decisions made by nearly every player in this game. At one point, the normally-eloquent Daryl Johnson started to rant about a punt returner's indecision and could only finish with a growl that Lou Ferrigno would be proud of. In total, ten turnovers coated this game in a fine sheen of excrement.

(A quick note of thanks to the NFL officials that work in freezing conditions and are forced to call dead-ball penalties time after time when they'd just rather be at home with a cup of cocoa.)

Titans-Colts First Half Update

2006-12-03T14:51:00.000-05:00

Somewhere Archie Manning is wincing. Peyton Manning has thrown two picks and Vince Young led the Titans to a touchdown after the second Manning goof to make it 14-10 Colts. Despite every third play being reviewed by the booth and the presence of Dan Dierdorf to state the obvious over and over, the game is competitive.

The Titans can change things by reverting to their normal mode of fumble, bumble, and stumble. Meanwhile look for Goober Manning to establish himself in the second half.

Jets-Packers: First Half Update

2006-12-03T14:40:00.000-05:00

NY Jets 31 - Green Bay 0

THIRTY-ONE TO ZERO.

The Packers have been shutout twice in Brett Favre's illustrious career. Both have come during this season. How hard is it to get into field goal position? Pretty difficult when you've turned the ball over twice and never even stepped foot into the red zone.

After 97 total Packers yards to New York's 340 and six first downs to the Jets' 22, something has got to happen. A field goal, perhaps? That would be swell.

UPDATE: Yep, you guessed it. A field goal! The Jets now lead the Pack 31-3 with just over seven minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter. It's all I've ever dreamed of.

UPDATE #2: Favre hits Driver in the end zone, Jets 31-Packers 10. McCarthy throws his flag and gets the call on a defensive reach-around.

UPDATE #3: Pennington hands off to Washington for a 20-yard touchdown run. Jets 38-Packers 10 with 11:35 left to play.

Vikings-Bears: First-half update

2006-12-03T14:36:00.000-05:00

Bears 7 - 3 Vikings

However, the score could more eloquently be put “Bears fuck, Vikings shit.” According to my statistician's marks, there have been 847 turnovers, 312 plays for loss, and 608 missed receivers. (All numbers are approximate; I fear he has taken extra medication to deal with watching the first half.) This game only confirms the Generally Accepted Storylines (GAS) that the NFC has nothing much to offer and that there is little to enjoy about that fact.

Rex Grossman continues to be the lead story; he misses reads and forces throws from his back foot just as in previous weeks. (His checklist to improve is so simple that the Chicago Tribune has sussed it out.) The Bears have also coughed up the ball twice on special teams as well as scored the only touchdown via Devin Hester's mea culpa punt return.

The Vikings, of course, have been just as embarrassing. If you're not yet aware that the thousand-yard rushing mark has been completely devalued, Chester Taylor passed that line in the first half. Brad Johnson has missed the target so often that his wife makes him urinate in the back yard.

It appears for all the world that neither team wants to be out in the cold today. If you have an option and no rooting interest, reward solid craftsmanship and quiet confidence by tuning into another game. If you are cheering for purple or navy blue, chug until the second-half kickoff to help the gentle blackout come and carry you to the end.

Do They Play Every Week?

2006-12-03T11:52:00.000-05:00

For your edification and enjoyment:
49ers at Saints
Cardinals at Rams
Chargers at Bills
Falcons at Redskins
Lions at Patriots
Colts at Titans
Chiefs at Browns
Jets at Packers
Vikings at Bears
Texans at Raiders
Jaguars at Dolphins
Buccaneers at Steelers
Cowboys at Giants

AND TONIGHT:

Seahawks at Broncos

Wonderlickin' Good

2006-12-03T11:29:00.000-05:00

Are you ready for the Jay Cutler era, or error, if you ask Michael Irvin. No one's asked Michael Irvin since 1992. In case you have lived under Sam Adams all your life, the big news is that Cutler will start tonight against the Seattle Seahawks. At 7-4, the Broncos remain a substantially flawed team, especially in the hellish AFC.

Rushing out to a 5-1 record, the media peeps argued that this defense may be as good, if not better, than premier defenses like Baltimore and Chicago. But while they were first in scoring defense, they were not in the top ten in yards allowed, either passing or rushing. It was the ultimate "bend but not break" philosophy, with defensive coordinator Larry Coyer scaling back on the blitzes that were so prevalent in 2005. Moreover, they faced offenses that dilly dallied when they hit the red zone (Oakland, Baltimore, Cleveland). And yes, I just used the phrase "dilly dally" on an NFL blog.

Then they faced Indianapolis, and all the foibles were on display for the world. The front four could not get a consistent pass rush alone, and yet, there was no blitz pressure on Manning the whole game. It also proved that if you play opposite Champ Bailey, good teams will pick on you all day. Enter Reggie Wayne and second year CB Darent Williams. Wayne was clearly leading that dance all day, and smoked DW to the tune of 221 yards and two scores.

Another exercise in poor defense happened against KC. The Chiefs pushed the defensive line back four to five yards every run play, leaving John Lynch to clean up the mess when Larry Johnson hit the secondary. Lynch is effective, but aging, and the likes of Larry Johnson can often run by him.

All in all, the defense is still what is right with this team. The offense, meanwhile, has all the rhythm of a Bjork song, producing seemingly one impressive drive a game. Mike Shanahan has mixed runningbacks, benched O-linemen, reigned in his pass catching tight end to block, and searched desperately for some receiver help alongside Javon Walker. Hmmmm, what's left? Oh right, Jake Plummer.

To be fair, Plummer was excellent last year. To be unfair, I hope I never see him in a Denver uniform after this season. Two years ago, Plummer was more or less let loose, resulting in a 27 TD, 20 pick year. The twenty-seven touchdowns were a Bronco single season record. The twenty interceptions were....rage enducing. Shanahan knew he had to tame this wild mare (that's stupid), and the process looked promising last year. Plummer had 18 TDs and only seven picks. This year, Shanahan maintains the reigns, but to the detriment of the playcalling. Plummer takes even an iota of a chance, and it's interception city, population dunce. I don't know what that means.

Jay Cutler is our Tony Romo. He can make the throws, he can curb the mistakes, and he can put this team in the playoffs. Well, actually, I don't think so. I think they finish 10-6 and still miss the postseason. The certainty for this team is that the time to play this kid is now. The confidence in him is contagious up and down the roster. Rod Smith said he is ready; when was the last time Rod Smith lied to you? Last Thursday? Really? I'm sorry then.

What I really love about Jay Cutler is how he aced the useless Wonderlic Test. With questions like: "What's the ninth month of the year?" Cutler might as well be a brain surgeon. Few people know, however, that the Broncos gave him another test. Paper and three #2 pencils in hand, Jay the Brain got 110 out of 100. Here are some of the questions on the Bronco test:

- It's 4th and 4, your team is down by one. You call a dropback pass play and your primary receiver is covered, what do you do?

Look off the primary receiver and dump it off to a back
Get it to the slot receiver who is covered by a shorter DB
Eye the primary receiver like he was Eva Longoria, ignore the quadruple coverage, summon the greatest powers of the soul, bring your arm back to a full right angle and fling it like a catapult with such sheer velocity that if anyone touches it, their hand explodes, except for the receiver that catches it after a series of explosions has slowed said ball down, TD and you're a hero

- It's 1st and goal at the one, game tied, and your coach has called a playaction pass to the tight end. Turns out the blitz has come too quick and its on you before you know it, what do you do?

Throw it away
Take the sack and avoid the mistake to ensure a score
Pffff, F that. I'm going to stay up until the last possible moment and throw a sidearm shiver as I'm falling down, because there is NO WAY the defensive end could pick that off and take it down the sideline 99 yards. TD and you're a hero

- How do you feel about throwing from the pocket?

With good protection, it's just stepping up and airing it out
I can sense the blitz well and appreciate good line play
Terrified. That thing is so frightening. I mean, there are defensive players all over the place?!?! I would prefer to run out of the pocket, to the right or the left, so I can cut the field in half. That means half the decisions and I am more likely to be a TD hero.

- Do you think QBs should look professional on and off the field?

Yes
More on than off
I think QBs should grow either a mustache fitting for films entitled "In Diana Jones," or grow all of their hair out so much that marmosets start hitting on them. Somehow, TD hero.

- What QB do you model your game after?

Joe Montana
John Elway
Toss up: Aaron Brooks or Sean Salisbury

- Fans are really on your back, how do you respond?

Take it easy on them, they are entitled to that
It is upsetting, but I'll live with it
THOSE PIECES OF CRAP. THIS REALLY BRINGS MY LYMPH TO A BOIL. I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO FLICK THEM OFF AND ISSUE A HALF-ASSED APOLOGY. LET'S SEE SOME OTHER QB HAVE SUCCESS AGAINST A REALLY HORRIBLE DOLPHINS TEAM.

- True or False: Are you Jake Plummer?

False

Dallas Cowboys vs. New York Giants vs. Skip Bayless's Douchery.

2006-12-03T10:38:00.000-05:00

Let's say that you wanted to put together the game to end all games in NFC so far. So here goes.

Take one dynamic Latino quarterback named Antonio Ramiro Romo, Tony to you. One team of former me-first individuals, that's Terry Glenn and T.O. Then you take a coach that's cranky enough to get them as one heart, that would be Tuna. You have the Dallas Cowboys.

Now, let's take one great white semi-hope named Elisha Nelson Manning, that's Eli to you. One former team that's now me-first individuals. That's including Shockey the Tard, Strahan the Mouthbreather, and Tiki with Yoko Ono. You have your New York Giants.

Why is this game so damned important? It's only the one game to determine which team that's not the Chicago Bears can hang with the AFC. We've seen the 'Boys take out Eli's older brother this season. We've seen the Giants take the out Cowboys when they had Bledsoe at the helm. So, how is this entire game going to be different? It's easy. The roles that both teams had are now reversed.

Dallas is going in without major controversy for once. The only T.O. complaint this past month was about the release of Mike Vanderjagt. He didn't even keep that one up for very long. A non-complaining T.O. is a very dangerous T.O. This version of T.O. lights you up for multiple scores, or he causes enough of a panic on the field for his crew to get multiple scores.

New York is going with an entire month of controversy thanks to Tiki, Jeremy, Mike, and Eli. Tiki listed that he wasn't getting enough carries. Shockey stated that they're getting outcoached... again. Mikey decided to intimidate Kelly Naqi and raise the ire of all of us media. Eli has no confidence left in himself, and his team has no confidence in him.

If you remember the first game, things were mirrored exactly the same. The 'Boys didn't trust Drew. The Defense was doing the reporter scaring. T.O. yelled at Bledsoe and Tuna all the time. Drew had no confidence in anyone, and the Cowboys didn't have their confidence in him. What a difference a new kid in town makes.

Romo is becoming what Eli was. Romo is now the new it-"rookie" in the NFL. He's only waited 4 years for his shot. Eli was one of Archie Manning's prodigcal sons with the golden arm, sort of. Both men have a lot of pressure on their laps. Eli was told to stay the course. Tony was told to get them back on course. One man has done his job. The other man isn't even given a chance by his team to do the job.

Say what you will, Tony Romo is the mirroring act of this game. For the Cowboys, he's the balance to their force. He's the one ascending to the top of the NFC right now. Poor Eli is falling to the wayside, and it's a shame. Eli could've had a cushy deal in San Diego with LT. Yet, his father's expectations cost him that shot. Now Eli is wondering what if he had that weapon.

All Eli has now is a selfish group of individuals that only want their spotlight without doing the work. The team leaders are failing. Tom Coughlin has lost control. It's only a matter of time before the Maras decide that enough is enough.

Tony Romo now has the path that Eli wants to be on. The Tuna reminds him to be humble or else. T.O. has become his biggest fan. His linemen line up as one massive group of brothers to protect their younger brother. The team leaders put aside their star power and unified as one unit. Jerry Jones is almost to pleased to tell you that he was wrong about the kid.

Say what you will, Skip Bayless. Romo is the real deal right now. The kid might go in and lose today, but it won't be because his team let him down. He told his team that he couldn't do it alone. He could get them the ball, but they had to catch it for him. When you get Terrell Owens and Terry Glenn together pledging their faith and protection to you, you're not a flash in the pan. That shows that they're going to hell and back.

I hope to see the look on Skip's moronic face if Romo completes this team role reversal. Then Romo will have other things to look at. Mainly, Miami...

It's Game Day

2006-12-03T09:21:00.000-05:00

Sunday and Monday are big days for NFL Hits. It's not just the excessive alcohol, Albert Haynesworth jokes, or remembering the glory days of Akili Smith. Big games are our forte and as a fan every game is big (Oakland Raider fans have permission to laugh) in the NFL.

As a group devoted to NFL coverage and exposing the absurd, hilarious, and downright obscene, this first Sunday will resemble no other in the future development of our coterie of evil writers. Today we get our feet wet and generally imbibe far too much alcohol. Next Sunday, despite the inevitable inebriation, there will be live blogging of the Sunday Night and Monday Night games.

We invite you to join us in our headquarters, located just down the street from several strip clubs. Actually you can't visit but you are able to read our latest posts via the handy feed to your right or by simply visiting over and over. Either way we are getting paid. Wait-did I say paid. No-I meant laid.

Enjoy.

You know it's a violent sport when Suzy is around.

Player Profile - Sean Landeta

2006-12-02T21:33:00.000-05:00

The New York Giants brought in the most veteran of all veteran punters alive, Sean Landeta, to protect against the inability of the next-most veteran of all veteran punters alive, Jeff Feagles, to start on Sunday against the Dallas Cowboys. This is no doubt in respect of Wellington Mara's final wishes that a New York Giants punter never be younger than him.

As a refresher for all those football fans that don't remember Sean Landeta's career, we at NFL Hits are pleased to provide a profile of Sean Landeta as the first of an occasional feature*:

Sean Landeta was pulled fully-formed from the kicking toe of Zeus in 450 BC in a suburb of Athens, Greece. He attended school at Towson College (now University), which he created to give him an opportunity to play college football. In 431 BC, a particularly rough intra-conference rivalry with Syracuse caused him to be conscripted into the Peloponnesian War (later named the USFL).

Sean became the first punter in NFL history before it was known as the National Football League and was instead known as The Roman Empire. While many of his exploits were lost to the sands of time, some survive to this day, including:

The Italian peninsula was once named Landeta due to its unique shape. When he moved to the New World, the peninsula was renamed.

Sean once lost a kicking job to Paul Bunyan. As the legend goes, Babe's corpse still circles the Earth in low orbit to this day.

His contributions to the Allied cause in World War II made the American purchase of Werner von Braun's contract from the Axis unnecessary until 1945.

When Rick Johannson of Scottsdale, AZ, had to battle Satan for his soul in 1985, Rick selected Sean to defend him in a punting battle with Satan. This ended up being unnecessary since Satan's hooves were a distinct disadvantage. However, Sean did drop-kick a football into Satan's immortal groin to remind Satan of his place.

To add a degree of difficulty to his kicks, Sean had Baltimore columnist Mike Preston's lips grafted to his ass in an elective surgery in 1989.

Sean whiffed on a punt so hard on December 4th, 1994, in Soldier Field that flood warnings were issued in Muskegon, MI. 47 people died that day, but Sean kicked a football around the Earth so hard as to cause the Earth to spin backwards and reverse time.

He has the largest callus in medical history on his kicking foot. The density of this callus requires Sean to force the football out of its gravitational pull on each kick.

He once booted the smirk off Al Michaels' face. The resultant injury caused him to miss six weeks of action.

Sean has a wife, Pam, and an undetermined number of children.

*As always, “occasional feature” means “whenever the hell we feel like it.”

Vick To The Raiders? It Could Happen.

2006-12-02T21:03:00.000-05:00

Among the rumors floating around prior to the titanic clashes (funny how all games are vital) tomorrow is Mike Vick going to the Raiders in the off season in exchange for several draft picks. This is interesting for several reasons:

Marcus Vick would be a better fit for the Raiders. He's emotionally disturbed, lacks the requisite throwing skills, and is otherwise a misfit. Now that's a Raider!
If Atlanta were to trade Mike Vick it would leave a void that's hard to fill. Angry, confused, and fumbling quarterbacks don't appear out of thin air. Unless the Steelers are looking to move Big Ben.

Will the Falcons move Vick? He's a hot commodity despite his sub par performance at the position. In addition, and it's no small issue, there are a number of people who look at Vick and believe that he gets undue heat because of his race. Are the Falcons willing to stimulate the debate?

Atlanta is home to the legacy of Martin Luther King. A high profile athlete like Vick, playing a position regarded by many as the toughest in sports, is important to many people. And were it not for Vick's emotional extension of his middle digits he'd likely be safe. Now, in acting out, he's opened the door for Arthur Blank to move him.

In the end Vick, as is habit, fumbled away his chance to stay a Falcon.

Do You Take Drugs, Danny?

2006-12-02T20:12:00.000-05:00

Everyday.

Are you ready for some Packers football? Well, you’re really not until you shove a brat in your mouth and down a pint of Milwaukee’s Best, or twelve. After many tested hypotheses, I’ve found this season - and every one since around ‘98 - more entertaining and much easier to discuss after I’ve consumed mass amounts of alcohol.

On that note, let’s take an intimate look at Green Bay’s season up until this point.

Week 13 is upon us and the Packers stink like sauerkraut. After a 1-3 preseason, they’ve managed to muster a win against two division rivals: the 5-6 Vikes and the 2-9 Lions. Impressive, I know. Generally speaking, in a division such as the NFC North, a crappy record doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not going to the playoffs. Enter the 9-2 Chicago Bears.

The Pack started their season with high hopes. After all the retirement rumors at the end of last season and speculation throughout the entire off season, legendary starting QB Brett Favre returned for "what could possibly be his last first game ever". They were shut out 26-0 by the Bears in broad daylight.

Then the Saints came marching into Lambeau, coming off a vagabond year, all fired up about a guy named Reggie. Piss-pounding ensued and the Packers found themselves at 0-2.

They held on tightly to a shred of dignity and beat the Lions on the road before two straight losses to Philly and St. Louis. Whispers of Favre’s possible retirement slithered out of the Primetime woodwork while prayers for a less painful season could be heard in taverns throughout Wisconsin. Maybe a bye week was all they needed to regroup?

It seemed so, as they took down (ex-nemesis) Dante Culpepper and the Dolphins before putting the beat down on Leinart and the Cardinals. Holy crap, two in a row! Suddenly, they had a 3-4 record and the future didn't seem so dim. Next thing you know, they're in Buffalo, being held to one touchdown and a field goal for their fifth loss of the season.

The Pack then hopped across the river to Minnesota, where Fred Smoot runs wild with a broad on each arm, insisting he looks fabulous in purple. Or maybe that was Prince. Regardless, there were no water-recreation related shenanigans that weekend, unless you count the spanking that went down at the Metrodome, a 23-17 Vikings loss. Confidence rebuilding, now!

The Patriots arrived at what is normally a frozen tundra two weeks ago and shutout the Packers 35-0 before they were creamed by the recently refreshed Shaun Alexander and trigger-happy Hasselbeck on the national Monday night stage, in "what could possibly be Brett Favre’s last Monday night football appearance of his career". Pshh.

The Packers are now 4-7 with five games remaining, looking forward to a home game against the 6-5 Jets where they will strive to not play like the JV team we’ve been watching all year. Any playoff hopes flew out the window long ago, so all that can really be done at this point to save face is win out the season.

I've got my eye on you, McCarthy.